A spiritual awakening is a real phenomenon: you suddenly see through the veil of society and can’t continue living your old life any longer. You realize that our present humanity is very far removed from what really matters: to love and let love.

But if you think that a spiritual awakening is all love and light, you couldn’t be further from the truth.

If you enter into this stage of your life, nothing will ever be the same again. Is this good? After all, according to most ‘awakened’ people, a spiritual awakening is the best thing that could ever happen to you.

But a real spiritual awakening wakes you up to the harsh reality that most people are living very far removed from their authentic Soul, including yourself.

It makes you aware that many of us are always looking for something better and can never really be at peace. That a lot of people hurt each other, whether consciously or unconsciously.

A real spiritual awakening is hard work. You have to dedicate a lot of time to get to know yourself and your shadows. It’s really easy to close your eyes again and fall back into your old (toxic) patterns.

It’s actually not fun at all to see how everybody around you is mostly living on autopilot. How we are all mainly chasing money and power.

Why did the Universe want to show you this?

The good news is that it is indeed all worth it in the end. You entered into this awakening to grow as a human being and to be a better person to others.

That said, a spiritual awakening can also make you really confused.

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The negative side effects of a spiritual awakening

Nobody really talks about the bad side effects of a spiritual awakening, but they are as real as the whole process of waking up itself. Having entered into a spiritual awakening myself six years ago, I encountered (and still do) the following bad side effects during my process:

1. You become boring

This might be the most persistent negative part of being spiritually awakened: people perceive you as boring. Whereas before you used to love going out and socializing, now you prefer to meditate in nature and learn about the secrets of life.

You still try to have fun and let loose sometimes, but it just doesn’t resonate with you anymore. You find the conversations shallow, and you drift further and further away from your friends.

They comment on how boring you became; you never want to do anything fun anymore! And now that you think about it yourself, you are actually pretty boring.

What happened to the extroverted, funny person you once were?

A spiritual awakening makes you listen to your soul and your purpose in life. And for most people, that is not partying and getting drunk all the time. You might resist this fact in the beginning, but at some point, you conclude that you’ve lost that part of yourself.

It’s up to you to see that as a good or a bad thing.

2. You doubt yourself even more

When you first start learning about your spiritual awakening, everything is amazing. You feel so lucky that you could get out of the matrix, and that you are growing so much. You seek other spiritual friends and make wonderful connections.

But it wouldn’t be a spiritual awakening if you start doubting yourself again at some point.

Who are you? Why are you here? What is the meaning of life?

This might make you lose trust in your progress, and you try to be your old self again. You’ll soon find out, though, that you don’t resonate with either version of yourself anymore— not your old one, but not your new one either.

An awakening is notorious for making you always doubt everything over and over again.

3. You get confused about real spirituality

What is being spiritual anyway? Is it to believe in God? To become Buddhist? To dedicate yourself to yoga and meditation? To endlessly pursue inner healing?

Real spirituality can’t be put into a box.

Being spiritual is different for everybody. You might get confused about what the ultimate truth is. Who holds the real secrets of the Universe?

You compare religions with each other. You might become obsessed with Taoism, follow Alan Watts’ words, or become a monk for a while. You buy ‘spiritual’ items, like tarot cards, crystals, or incense sticks.

But it all ends up making you more confused. What if it’s all made up, and we are just a bunch of sheep trying to make sense of it all? Never coming to any conclusion?

Being confused is a not-so-fun part of going through a spiritual awakening.

4. You lose friends

If you enter into a spiritual awakening, you will get more and more removed from the people that you call your friends. You want to stay away from gossip, and only deep conversations get you excited.

Especially if you are the only one in your circle who sees how toxic our society really is, it might be very hard to explain that to them. They are still convinced that they should make a lot of money and that a powerful career reflects success in their life. Or they are conditioned to follow the general fear mentality we mostly live in right now.

It’s very hard to stay friends with people who you don’t resonate with anymore.

And they probably think that you are into some woo-woo shit and it’s just a phase in your life.

It’s a sad side effect that you will lose some of your lifelong friends after you get more spiritual. It’s okay though; people come and go into our lives, and sometimes you just have to say goodbye if your friends are not good for your personal growth anymore.

5. You follow the wrong gurus

This is a trap that many spiritual seekers fall into:  you follow the wrong gurus. Many “enlightened” people claim to have special healing powers, and can’t wait to show you how it’s done.

As a newly-made spiritual person, you believe everything. These people are so radiant! And their life is like a dream! They have so many followers; they must do something good with their lives, right?

You get obsessed with their YouTube channels and buy every course they recommend. After all, you are the one who needs guidance, and you feel like everybody around you knows more than you. Even the wrong people.

However, the sad truth is that there are many sharks in the spiritual world. They might actually have some sort of wisdom, but this doesn’t mean that they are better than you.

Be aware of any guru or healer who claims they can heal you. They are probably the ones who need the most healing themselves. Spiritual narcissism is a real thing, and you should know about this.

6. You lose a lot of money

Following the previous bad side effect of an awakening: you most likely lose a lot of money when you reluctantly set foot into the spiritual world.

This is because you probably believe all the crap that people try to sell you at first.

Whether it is their “blessed” tarot deck, or that mega-expensive online course that promises you'll get enlightened. Or maybe because you get obsessed with spiritual healing events, like breathwork sessions, cacao ceremonies, or plant medicine/psychedelics retreats.

Don’t get me wrong, though — these ceremonies could be really helpful. In fact, I am a big fan myself of this type of healing.

But there is a difference between paying a fair price for these things to cover the costs, or having to put down thousands of dollars to attend a retreat with a ‘Channeler’ who claims he/she should get paid top-dollar for their services since “money is energy that should flow”.

7. You think you have arrived

Another bad side effect of a spiritual awakening is falling into the trap of new-age spirituality. New age spirituality is using your new status as a spiritual person to not face your issues.

You think you have seen the light, and you have arrived. You entered the 5D, saw some visions, became enlightened, and now the work is done.

But this is actually where the real work begins. How “enlightened” are you to realize that enlightenment was always inside of you?

There is always more to learn about yourself and your shadows. You will never ever stop growing and evolving.

8. You become entitled

This is a dangerous side effect of being spiritually awakened: you feel better than others. You think you have gifts that others don’t have. Or that you deserve to get what belongs to you.

You look down on people who “are not there yet”. You and your new friends are so awake! You use the Law of Attraction to manifest all you feel entitled to. You tell people that they create their own reality, and all they need to do is change their thoughts. After all, they chose their own life, right?

It’s very common to fall into this negative side effect of a spiritual awakening (and it happened to me as well!). But despite the fact that you have woken up to the toxicity of our matrix society, that doesn’t mean that you deserve more than others.

Or that you should close your eyes to a lot of misery that people have to endure. They didn’t choose to be born into a war-ridden country or be locked up in a basement to be sexually abused.

To really realize you became entitled is a true sign of growth.

Nobody chooses to have bad things happen to them. If anything, you should feel heightened compassion for everybody around you. Especially the people who are less lucky than you.

Because ultimately, a spiritual awakening teaches you that We are all One.

9. You think you need to heal others

This is a bad trait of many spiritual people that I have encountered so many times. And truth be told, I also fell into this trap.

I thought I learned so many lessons about life and the Universe that others would want to learn the same. I diagnosed people with which problem they had and thought it would help them to know about this.

You feel the urge to make it your mission to wake others up as well.

After all, you do feel different. And maybe you really do see what the issue with somebody else is, and how they could improve their lives. But who are you to knock them off their feet with your truth if they are not ready for it?

Everybody is on their own journey at their own pace. You cannot heal anybody else but yourself.

People will naturally come to you if they feel like they want help and if you inspire them.

10. You wish you never entered this stage in your life

After getting aware of all these negative side effects, what the hell is the purpose of getting into a spiritual awakening anyway?

Especially if you have been a victim of the toxic spirituality circles, you might want to turn your back on spirituality completely. Why did you have to enter this journey that is so full of fake people?

If everybody is so awakened as they claim to be, why is there still so much misery in the world? If only you could go back to the fun times you had before, where you didn’t have to navigate this confusing awakening bullshit.

The good thing about a spiritual awakening

Fortunately, there is also a silver lining in entering into an awakening. It’s true that you get more peaceful and happier in general. You stop searching for external validation, and you just trust the pace of life. You learn that your intuition is always guiding you.

You feel more secure about who you are, and you can genuinely enjoy the beautiful things on this amazing planet. You learn to trust in your skills, and might completely change your career around into something that really fulfills you.

A spiritual awakening definitely isn’t all unicorns and yoga, but if you are genuine about your process and your intentions, you do reach a state of higher consciousness that can inspire and truly help others.

And that, I think, is the real purpose of a spiritual awakening: let everyone be on their own journey, and have empathy for the thousands of people who fight every day for their lives.

If you’re craving a deeper connection with yourself and feel ready to begin again, I highly recommend this course. If you’re longing for a reset, this might be just what you need.

Have you ever heard about ayahuasca, the psychedelic plant that brings you straight to your core wounds? If you have not, let me give you a bit of an introduction.

Ayahuasca (called Yage in Colombia) is a psychoactive plant used by indigenous tribes in the Amazon for centuries. This powerful plant medicine was originally only used by shamans (or Taitas in Colombia) to heal members of their tribe. Healing can be on a physical, spiritual, or mental level.

The shamans also used it to predict the future or get information from the past during visions.

Ayahuasca is a brew that consists of two different plants: the ayahuasca vine and the chacruna leaves. These plants only grow in the jungles of Peru, Colombia, Ecuador, and Brazil. Only the combination of the two plants will allow your brain to materialize the DMT, which is one of the main psychedelic compounds of ayahuasca.

Both DMT and beta-carbolines (which are the other psychoactive ingredient in the brew) are supposed to increase brain health and reduce stress.

Modern-day use of ayahuasca

Ayahuasca retreats nowadays are gaining popularity all over the world because they’re known to be a fast-track method for mental healing. It can act as ten years of therapy in a single session. Ayahuasca can cure addictions, depression, anxiety, stress, traumas, and generally improve mental health.

According to a study, as explained by VeryWellMind:

The findings show that ayahuasca users tend to eat healthier, engage in more physical activity, suffer from fewer chronic diseases, and experience better overall well-being.

Nearly all (99.8%) of the participants who used ayahuasca during the study reported being happier and healthier after the ceremony.

Hearing the ayahuasca call

I had been intrigued by ayahuasca for a while already. I have used other psychedelics before (like peyote, magic mushrooms, and DMT) to get a better insight into who I am and how I can improve myself. They have certainly helped, but none of them were as profound as my 6-day ayahuasca experience in the jungle of Colombia.

Traditionally, you are supposed to be ‘called’ by ayahuasca. She (ayahuasca is feminine) has different ways to do this. For example, reading this article just might be your call!

I heard my call when more and more people started telling me about their experiences. In the beginning, it sounded crazy to me — who the heck signs up voluntarily to get catapulted deep inside all your mental issues?! But the more I researched it, the more curious I got.

At some point, I couldn’t resist anymore and tried a one-night ceremony in Mexico, which turned out to be nothing compared to what I was about to experience in Colombia.

Traveling to the Amazon in Colombia

I always knew I wanted to do ayahuasca in the place where it grows, the Amazon. I chose Colombia as my destination because that country had been on my bucket list for a while already, and it was easy to reach from Mexico, where I lived at that time.

And sure enough, after my experience, I am so happy I did. I really understand now how vital it is to choose a real shaman for your ayahuasca retreat, and also to preferably do it where it comes from.

So I flew to Bogota and took a 17-hour bus ride to Mocoa, a small city in the heart of Putumayo. Mocoa is the entry point to this part of the Colombian Amazon.

Note: in Colombia, a shaman is called a Taita, and ayahuasca is called Yage, so I will interchangeably use the different terms throughout this article.

What you need to know before drinking ayahuasca

Yage is no joke. It is incredibly important to use it in a ceremonial way with a Taita who has years of experience with this plant medicine. After all, you are going deep inside your mind and potentially your traumas;  you need someone to look after you.

It is common to vomit or have diarrhea during ceremonies, which they call purging. It sounds horrible, but it actually feels like you are releasing a lot of bad energy out of you. And this is exactly what Yage does: it helps you to release things that are stuck inside of you.

Yage is different for everybody; some people experience pure bliss and happiness, and others have a very dark and deep journey. It all depends on where your issues are and what needs your current attention.

You normally set an intention before a ceremony, but ultimately, Yage will choose what she wants to show you. No matter what happens to you during your trip,  it will be what you need to know at that moment.

Three ayahuasca ceremonies in six days

I chose to do three ceremonies because I heard that only one is normally not that profound. The first time you drink ayahuasca, it travels through your body and uses this first night to get to know you. It’s not uncommon to have quite a shallow experience for newbies.

A Yage ceremony should take place in nature around a fire where everybody who participates gathers. In my group, there were about five foreigners and the rest were Colombians who came to the Taita’s house for healing. The ceremony was held on the land of the shaman under a thatched roof, which is called a maloca. We also had an area with hammocks to chill if you needed a break from the others.

A Taita is deeply respected by the whole village, and all the Taitas in that area know each other as well. They help each other with their rituals, so during my ceremonies, we always had three shamans in total.

I won’t go into all the details here after I drank my first cup since it’s quite personal. But I basically got put back into my mum’s uterus a few weeks before I was supposed to be born. It felt incredibly safe and warm, and I did not want to come out. I felt the unconditional love from a mother towards her child, which made me think about how special it is that this type of love exists.

I told my baby-self that I should never doubt my decisions and my lifestyle, and that the world can be scary but also immensely beautiful. We as humans are put on this Earth to experience it to the fullest. It is quite a miracle that we have feelings and touch and emotions and can fall in love with each other!

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Nearly my whole life, I have been dealing with a fearful-avoidant attachment style, in myself as well as in others. It was always hard for me to truly connect with others or let love in. And once I got into a relationship, I pushed it away and was longing for my freedom.

I had done numerous assessments, talked to past partners, and recognized myself completely as being avoidantly attached.

But what exactly is an avoidant attachment style? And is it always connected to a certain upbringing or childhood? Do you need to heal your attachment wounds? Or perhaps your body is just trying to warn you about something that is not aligned with you?

Avoidant attachment develops in children who do not experience sensitive responses from a parent or caregiver to their needs or distress. Children with avoidant attachment may become very independent, both physically and emotionally. — Medical News today

According to the main narrative, your attachment style is configured in your childhood years. If your parent was absent, did not emotionally engage, or was overly critical, you most likely developed an avoidant attachment style. There are other attachment styles too, but for the sake of this article, I will only discuss the avoidant one.

The role of spirituality in attachment styles

If you are somewhat spiritual (like me), you probably believe in the idea that everything happens for a reason and everything is perfect the way it is. That means that you developed this avoidant attachment style with a deeper meaning behind it.

After all, nothing happens by coincidence. What if your avoidance actually means you can sense on a deeper level that somebody is not aligned with you? That is a superpower!

With all the partners I was avoidant with, I subconsciously knew that they were not the ones I was looking for. However, I was conditioned to believe it was my attachment style that I needed to heal, not change my partner.

Because at some point, I met somebody who felt completely aligned with me, and my attachment issues were suddenly not so important anymore. Of course, I still felt those avoidant tendencies, but I wanted to be with this person so deeply that I actively tried to address my attachment wounds.

I believe that the Universe brought me and him together at the right time, and despite it being incredibly painful, it was also incredibly healing. We didn’t stay together, but I knew that this person was the right one for me at that particular time in my life.

And I was not avoiding anything.

Compatibility and avoidance

Since that relationship, I have learned a lot about myself and even consider myself safely attached now. When I do online attachment tests, ‘secure’ is what comes out. After all, I am able to open up, show emotional vulnerability, and attach in a normal way to people. That is to say… to friends.

With friends, there is a much broader window to make it easier to attach to (however, if you are completely avoidant, you also won’t attach to friends). You don’t need to build your life around a friend and most likely won’t spend most of your time with them either. Your friend doesn’t expect things from you that a partner would.

But if you are with the wrong partner, this would have significant implications for your daily life. No wonder your body is signaling to avoid this person — you are just not compatible enough.

I believe, however, that if you are with the right partner, you will want to actively work on your avoidance. Simply because now you are ready for it.

The conditioning of finding love

Our society is glorifying a certain way of life. We need to find our mate at a fairly young age, get married, buy a house, and have children. Have a steady income, pay your taxes, and contribute to the greater good by simply complying with this narrative.

No wonder we get anxious when our lives don’t follow this path. We think we miss out on finding a life partner and ultimately settle for less when time seems to be running out. We ignore the signals of our bodies that this person is not right for us, and then blame it on attachment style.

What if you are just not ready yet to meet your forever partner? Maybe your life has all these amazing things in store for you, but you are so focused on partnering up that you completely miss the bigger picture.

In the meantime, you are getting constantly triggered and re-traumatized by the partners you settled for, and are being told you have to heal your (or their) attachment style.

And even though I do believe that your attachment should be secure in the end, maybe the person who is triggering your avoidant behavior is simply not the right one for you at this moment.

Opening up to the right people

Since I can remember, I have always walked a different path than what society demanded of me. I solo traveled the world since I was 19, never had a stable job or income, don’t have big savings, and don’t own a house or have a partner or kids.

And somehow, I always knew I was going to find the right person at the right time. I am 38 years old now — a reason for many people to start panicking if they are still single.

But this panic is just another form of conditioning to what society wants and not letting the Universe decide what’s meant (or not) for you.

Maybe people with insecure attachment styles are just not ready yet for that forever partnership, no matter how much they want it. Because I believe when you are ready, you will work on your attachment automatically, because that partner is right for you. That person provokes opening up to and helps you uncover things about yourself that will make you grow.

A person who is constantly triggering you is not going to give you that secure feeling. It’s simply not an energetic match, and your body knows that before you do. It’s sending you all sorts of signs, and yet you keep thinking you need to heal your attachment style (or heal your partner if you are on the other side).

Avoidance or intuition?

Two years ago, I met somebody who was annoying me a lot. He was a great guy, wanted to be with me, and gave me a lot of secure love signals.

At first, I thought it was my avoidant attachment style again kicking in. As soon as somebody comes emotionally close, I tend to push them away, and I thought that was exactly what I was doing with him, too.

What is wrong with me? I thought I had healed enough to not let my avoidance bother me again and was ready to securely attach to somebody.

But the truth is, this person was irritating me more than they should have. Not because I have unresolved issues, but simply because my intuition knows better. The triggers came from a certain behavior he had that was not aligned with me. However, it wasn’t his behavior towards me; it was his behavior in general.

My body signaled to me that this person was not okay to be with, and boom, the doubts about myself came flooding in. Was this something I needed to heal within me, or just simply an acceptance that we were not right for each other?

I think the latter.

Healing by trusting yourself

When you are in a situation like this, you can choose to get help to work through your triggers, or you can simply trust yourself. Maybe real healing takes place when you honor your body when something does not feel right.

I am fully aware that triggers can also be a trauma response, and you need to address those at some point. But when you’ve done a significant amount of healing already and you are still getting triggered all the time … maybe invest in trusting yourself first.

Perhaps you are not in the right environment with this person to heal your attachment issues. Maybe by staying with them, things only get worse. After all, you are actively ignoring your body’s signs that something is not right. That doesn’t mean they are a bad person; it just means you need to focus on yourself in a different setting. Maybe even with a different person.

It’s probably the fear of not wanting to be alone that you don’t listen to your triggers. But if there is one thing I learned on my journey, it is that everything always works out exactly the way it’s supposed to.

Triggers are teachers?

The internet is so full nowadays of opinions about all sorts of things, including being avoidant or anxiously attached, and those things are all valid. I spent a big part of my adulthood deciphering my attachment style and trying to heal it. Those articles and resources were a big help.

I agree that most of the time, a trigger can be a great teacher, showing you exactly where you need more healing. An emotional trigger is often a projection of something you need to see (or don’t see) in yourself.

But, as I move through my love life and watch those of my friends, maybe there is nothing we need to heal right now. We just need to trust that the Universe knows what’s best for us, and that includes sending us signals through, perhaps, triggers.

Don’t choose to stay with a partner who is constantly irritating you and puts your nervous system in a permanent state of fight, flight, or freeze. Be okay with being alone and not knowing what will happen.

Maybe now you need to step away from this partner to give yourself time in solitude, and when the timing is right, you will meet again. Then both of you are different people and probably won’t trigger each other so much. And then the relationship can finally flourish and will feel right on all levels.

Or maybe you need to make space for a different partner that’s waiting out there for you and won’t annoy you in all these ways. By forcing yourself to stay in situations that are not meant for you, you are delaying what is.

What if you are not meant to find a partner at all and will live your best life being single? Perhaps your freedom will fulfill you in all the ways a partner never can.

Heal yourself

I am not a psychologist; I just speak from my own experience. I also believe that you can heal your attachment wounds within your current relationship container, as long as you really want to.

And as long as the relationship feels safe.

However, I believe as well that you will know it when you meet the right person, and the triggers won’t be so severe. Simply because you are ready to heal at that time.

That said, whatever happens or whatever you believe, just keep trusting your intuition, always.

My Anxious & Avoidant Shadow Work Journal is a great first step to becoming aware of your own attachment issues, so you can start healing.

It is available as a digital download or as a print journal, in case you are interested in learning about yourself through shadow work, which was the only thing that actually worked for me.

If you had asked me five years ago if I believed in destiny, I would have laughed at you. I was very down-to-earth, did not believe in any otherworldly forces, and thought everything was just a coincidence.

How arrogant to think that we, humans, mean something in our massive Universe! I thought we were just a grain of sand in the desert, not having any impact or predestined plan. Our whole existence, according to me, was just a funny play of evolution and the Big Bang that caused some cells to interact with each other and create life.

Nothing to feel special about, right? But I couldn’t be more wrong.

Big life events are meant to happen to you

Six years ago, I met someone who completely changed my life around. I feel like everything leading up to that made me meet him.

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The world nowadays is full of self-help advice, gurus, spiritual retreats, immersive mental health programs, you name it. It might make you think something is wrong with you when you don’t embark on some kind of healing path.

Or, if you are on a healing path already, all these options might overwhelm you. When is it ever going to be enough? Will there be a time when the inner work is done, and you can just be?

Learning the lessons

I have been walking the self-discovery path for six years now, and it has completely changed me. People who know me from the outside might not see this, but my inner landscape has turned around 180 degrees.

The truth, however, is that I didn’t even realize how unhappy I was before embarking on this journey. I thought I had my life together, was traveling the world, and living in freedom.

But I kept getting into relationships that weren’t healthy, kept running away from my responsibilities, and was always chasing the next thing. When I reached that next thing, though, the new next thing was already waiting.

I was looking for external happiness because I couldn’t find it within. The lessons kept presenting themselves to me, but I was blind to them. I told myself I had no reason to feel unhappy, especially since I was living such a perfect life.

But inside my mind, something was dying. My Soul was screaming at me to do something,  and yet I kept silencing it. Looking back on it now, I had been unhappy for a long time already because I had lost the connection to my Soul.

Entering the Dark Night of the Soul

The biggest catalyst for embarking on my healing path was another failed relationship. Not just any relationship, though; he was the ultimate mirror.

Our break-up brought me to my knees in getting to know myself. I had no idea how much I could get shattered by this experience. It made me realize how incredibly vulnerable I was. How nothing was left of myself to lean on.

It catapulted me into a Dark Night of the Soul, which is pretty much a spiritual depression. The curtains suddenly open, and nothing makes sense anymore.

This stage stripped me of all my beliefs and conditioning about myself, and it brought me into a deep desire for solitude. I started doing inner child work and shadow work, which were paramount for my change.

Embrace the calling

I’ll be honest with you: embarking on this path is far from easy. In fact, it’s probably the hardest thing you will ever do. I know tons of people who scratched the surface of healing work and think it’s enough. Or they are just too afraid to let themselves fall into the depths, which is totally understandable.

But there is a reason why the lessons keep presenting themselves to you.

You need to start learning.

Feeling lonely, rejected, anxious, depressed, overwhelmed, like you are never good enough, abandoned, constantly triggered… all these emotions are there to be seen.

And they will keep showing up in your life if you don’t address them. You can distract yourself as much as you want, but these feelings will always resurface again.

Live the life you are meant to live

You might think something is wrong with you for constantly having all these emotions. But the truth is, you don’t need to change who you are at all. You are good enough exactly the way you are. The problem is that you don’t know who you are.

You don’t know how to regulate your emotions. You don’t know how to choose for yourself or set healthy boundaries. You don’t know how to make choices that are good for you. And that is why the lessons keep coming back to you.

The good news is that you can learn all these things. You can learn how to deal with your triggers and what kind of growth they bring. You can learn to self-soothe and be in your body.

You can befriend your authentic Self and be at peace with who you truly are. The core of your suffering is your Soul being severed from your Self. But it will always keep trying to make its way back to you.

Embarking on the journey

Once you are ready to go deep into your psyche, be aware of the many traps out there. You are going to be extremely vulnerable, which makes you a target for fake gurus who just want your money.

Your intuition is your biggest friend here. When something feels off, acknowledge it. Your gut feeling is a powerful tool; don’t ignore it.

If you don’t know where to begin, I would suggest finding ways to practice self-love first. And simply acknowledging that something needs to change within is a powerful first step. You will find what resonates with you at some point.

You are never done learning

You might wonder when you’ll ever be done learning. But the beauty of embarking on an inner-self journey is that you get excited about never being done.

A whole new consciousness is waiting to be discovered, and there will never be a time when you know enough. Because the more you know, the more you realize you know nothing.

“Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance.” — Confucius

And that’s the best part about learning your lessons: your life suddenly starts to get meaning, and you couldn’t be more excited about it.

Share The Soul Visions

I used to be the most skeptical person ever towards spiritual practices. I laughed at crystal healers and people picking up and reading energies. I used to believe everything in life is a coincidence, and we’re just a grain of salt in the vastness of things.

Why would a single human even matter?

The funny thing, though, was that I kept meeting ‘spiritual beings’ on my path. They wanted to do Reiki on me, heal my chakras, and clear my aura. But I pushed them all away. I did not want to believe that there was anything more to life than what I could see with my naked eye.

Until I started to feel those energies myself.

‘Spirituality’ nowadays is almost a dirty word in our current society. We put this label on the boho hippies who spread love and light wherever they go. Or the meditation teachers who weave a soft-spoken channeling into all of their classes. Or the plant medicine advocates who believe magic mushrooms can heal everyone.

Maybe for you, a spiritual person means anybody who believes in God, Buddha, Allah — you name it.

But spirituality is so much more than would ever fit on a label. Yes, it’s all those things mentioned above. And it’s also none of those listed above.

I think spirituality mainly means knowing that something greater outside of us exists to guide us.

How did my shift happen?

Honestly, I can’t mention one particular event that made me ‘spiritual’. It was a journey of pushing and pulling against spirituality for over four years. My mind tried to hold on to my old beliefs that we as humans don’t matter. That we just happen to be alive, and you’re either lucky to have a good life or unlucky to be miserable.

Now I know, however, that everything happens for a reason. Your misery happened to make you grow. It’s up to you to rise out of it.

No matter how bad something is for you, there is an innate power and wisdom inside of you to overcome it.

You can always change your life around and start living on your own terms. There is a secret button you can press in your mind to shift. And once you find it, everything changes.

Stop rejecting the signs

To find your True Self, you first have to let go of all your old beliefs and conditioning. We’re not out here on Earth to suffer endlessly. We’re here to experience all of life, the sadness and the happiness.

But if you’re sad most of the time, happiness might seem far away from you. However, anybody can experience the happiness that’s waiting for them on the other side.

If you’re currently walking in the wrong direction, here are some signs that the Universe is trying to shift your path:

1. Your body is trying to tell you something

Your body keeps the score. Whatever our minds won’t process will show up in our bodies. This can manifest itself in autoimmune disorders, cancers, skin problems, chronic fatigue, gut problems, or generally feeling unwell.

Our bodies hold so much wisdom — listen to it when something is off. It’s not normal to feel sick all the time. It’s not part of who you are. It’s your body trying to get rid of unhealed emotions and trauma.

Look into somatic practices when your body displays all sorts of weird diseases. Those bad energies need to get out before they actually kill you.

2. Bad luck keeps happening to you

If you’re walking in the right direction, you won’t experience bad luck any longer. Not because nothing bad happens to you anymore, but because you learn to deal with whatever comes.

Bad luck doesn’t exist when you’re in alignment with your life. This is one of the most liberating mindsets that comes after accepting the spiritual healing journey.

Life always flows with you.

But if you keep having bad luck, it’s a sign that you’re rejecting something. It’s the Universe trying to put you in the right direction. Pay attention and change your course. Deep inside, you know exactly what to do.

File for that divorce, quit that job, cut that friendship, travel the world. Do the thing that scares you the most and let it liberate you from bad luck.

3. You are often triggered

Triggers are teachers. If you’re on the spiritual healing journey, you’ll learn to recognize them and let them pass through you.

We all get triggered; it’s undeniable. But if you are constantly triggered - feeling like you want to fight or run away at any given moment- this is a sign that you can’t handle yourself.

After all, a trigger shows up because you were hurt by a similar situation before. And if you learn to process that particular event, it won’t trigger you anymore. Or even when it does still trigger you, you’ll take a step back and sit with it.

Living in a constant fight-or-flight mode is a sign that you’re rejecting the lesson that’s trying to knock on your door.

4. Your relationships keep failing

Another big one: your relationships in general are not healthy. Whether it’s with a partner, friends, or family … relationships are mirrors.

Once you see yourself reflected in every person you meet, that’s where conscious relating comes in. We are all One in the big scheme of things. Everybody can teach you a lesson to grow.

And the best thing about going through a spiritual healing journey is that you start to attract what you send out. If your own toxicity is gone, so will the toxic people around you magically disappear.

You simply don’t have time for their drama anymore and walk away.

5. You’re (secretly) deeply insecure

If you’ve truly walked the awakening path and learned the lessons as they were presented to you, your insecurities vanish.

This might seem hard to believe, but it’s true. Not because you’re suddenly a superhuman, but because you accept yourself fully as you are right now.

You don’t need to achieve anything or become anyone. You don’t need to drive that big car, and you don’t need to buy that villa on the wealthy side of town. You don’t need a better job title or a higher salary. Those are all signs of insecurity that you’re unconsciously trying to cover up.

I’ll even bring it one step further: you don’t need anything that is in the future. Because the future is always tomorrow.

That big car now will be a yacht tomorrow. That manager title now will be CEO tomorrow. There will always be something better tomorrow.

But true happiness hides in experiencing fully where you’re at right now. Without the house, the car, or the relationship of your dreams.

We are all spiritual beings

You might think that you don’t have it in you to be spiritual. But the truth is that we are all spiritual beings experiencing life through our humanness.

When you find yourself in these signs, it’s time to look beyond the physical. Life is trying to tell you something:  listen. The Universe is here to guide us all, not just the “Chosen Ones”.

You might have felt for a long time already that you need to change courses, but you think you don’t have the tools to do it. I think the first step is to trust that change is okay.

For example, if you are unhappy in your marriage, acknowledge it. It’s okay that it’s not working. It’s not okay that you keep staying because you’re afraid of what happens afterwards.

Stop making excuses for staying in a situation you don’t want to be in. Walk in the direction of your fears and do that big thing. You will soon see that the Universe supports you after changing courses. Because you finally made a step in the right direction.

Challenge yourself, and you’ll see that your life is not coated with a dark cloud. The first step is believing.

You can get out.

The rest will come along the way.

If you’re craving a deeper connection with yourself and feel ready to begin again, I highly recommend this course. If you’re longing for a reset, this might be just what you need.

I am reluctant to write this article, but I feel it needs to be put out there. I have been fearful-avoidant attached most of my life, and I am very aware of the stress I have caused to some of my partners.

Avoidants are often pictured as the evil force in an otherwise beautiful relationship. They are the reason that things don’t work out and take most of the blame, according to a lot of online content.

And that is often the case; avoidants are very hard partners to be with. I have been avoidant, and I have dated avoidants, and the push-pull is exhausting.

Meeting the right One

The truth is, avoidants crave love as much as anyone else; they are just terrified of it. But when somebody with an avoidant attachment style partners up with a person who is not right for them, their avoidance gets even worse.

I can personally attest to this because it happened to me as well. I always knew there was somebody out there who would not feel like I was being tricked into a partnership.

And there was.

I met him six years ago, after a 3-year relationship where I had been extremely avoidant.

Why do we have certain attachment styles?

We develop our attachment style mostly in childhood, where our parents/caretakers should be the example of unconditional love. But when love gets conditional, the child learns to behave a certain way to receive that love.

For avoidant people, this means they created a defense mechanism to protect their heart. They learned that love is not safe and that they can only rely on themselves.

So when a partner shows up in their adult life, they still feel the need to protect themselves for love. It’s their inner shadow saying: “Love will be painful, don’t let yourself get hurt”.

It’s a long and hard journey to understand those patterns in yourself, but the right partner will make you face all your fears.

What does ‘the right one’ mean?

When I am talking about the right partner, I don’t mean it’s some magical person who suddenly heals the avoidant. Quite the opposite.

Read more

I believe there’s a new understanding in our collective consciousness about love. I start seeing it all around me: we are done with shallow relationships and toxic connections.

We are learning about our shadows and those of others. We are aware of our childhood wounds, our attachment styles, and our nervous systems.

All around me, I see people getting more conscious and opening their eyes to a new form of partnership. A form that is rooted in mutual understanding and growth, not just chemistry.

More than physical attraction

I used to think that chemistry was the number one starter for a good relationship. I was always looking for that spark and intense attraction. The rest I would figure out later, but that initial spark was mandatory for me.

And in a way, I still want that, but I also know there should be so much more than that.

I might even conclude now that that intense physical attraction is actually a red flag, especially if you have childhood trauma. After all, we often fall in love with partners who represent our parents, and especially the validation that they never gave us as kids.

Subconsciously, we are looking to reproduce that type of love. So that this time we can finally be seen and we can heal what we were missing as children.

Relationships are catalysts for growth

I’ve learned a great deal from my previous relationships. I used to fall for wounded men because I thought I could heal them with my love.

My fearful-avoidant attachment style played a huge role in this. Deep down, I wanted real love and true connection, but I was also terrified of it.

Terrified to lose it when it would finally show up.

So I sabotaged good relationships before I became too attached (my avoidant side), and fell in love with guys who would never commit to me (my anxious side).

Because deep in my shadows, I didn’t want to commit to them either. Falling for unavailable men was a ‘safe’ exit strategy, and it took me a long time to admit that to myself.

The healthy relationship

I think the point of any (especially hard) relationship is to help you grow. To help you see the inner child in you that was never seen, and give them that hug they so desperately need.

Once we realize that our relationships are a projection of ourselves, we can finally choose to heal from within first. Never put that burden on a partner; you are only responsible for yourself.

And once you’ve healed that wounded part of you, you will also understand what a healthy relationship looks like. And it has nothing to do with that intense chemistry and everything with being compatible and showing up for each other.

Green flags that somebody is ready for a healthy relationship

Most people have to go through an inner journey before they can be a good long-term partner. Some do that with current partners by their side, but most have a period of solitude before reaching that version of themselves.

And once they are ready, here are 8 undeniable green flags:

1. They take responsibility for their inner world

According to Jung, each Soul goes through a process of Individuation. It’s where you find your repressed shadows and let them come to the light. Your fragmented parts have to integrate into one whole being.

An Individuated person doesn’t blame their past, their exes, or their parents, but accepts that everything was needed to become their authentic Self.

They also understand their own projections and triggers and how they affect their partner. They take responsibility for their actions and reactions.

2. They can tolerate emotional discomfort

Nothing is more frustrating than a partner who constantly shuts down and runs away when things become uncomfortable. You cannot build a sustainable relationship with somebody who always wants to escape.

A healthy partner stays present when you share your feelings, even if they don’t like to hear them. They don’t ghost you after a hard conversation and can stay with you through the tension.

They are willing to repair and take a look inside themselves as well when there is conflict.

3. They are aware of their shadows

We all have shadows, and nobody is perfect. A person who understands their shadows can recognize them when they come up and work on them.

They don’t pretend to be ‘all light’ and are aware their partner has shadows as well. The goal is not to punish our dark side, but to integrate it.

A healthy partner has worked on themselves and admits insecurity, jealousy, or envy without becoming defensive. They also understand that their partner sometimes slips and doesn’t punish them for that.

4. They don’t need you to complete them

This is a hard one, especially in anxious-avoidant relationships. Many people are very codependent on their partner. They feel like they wouldn’t be complete without them and do everything to make the other one stay.

Or, on the opposite side of that spectrum is the avoidant who thinks they don’t need anybody and they can do everything alone.

The truth is in the middle: we need interdependence. We should be whole by ourselves with our own lives and passions, so we can share that with a partner and build something bigger together.

5. They choose love over their ego

Jung stated we all have four core archetypes: The Persona (the mask you wear for social approval), The Self (the authentic you), The Shadow (the suppressed parts of you), and the Anima/Animus (the inner feminine and masculine).

Many people in this world operate from the Persona, just because we need external validation so much.

But a healthy partner operates from the Self and is not attached to the other masks. They don’t care about preserving their ego or pride, but always choose love instead.

6. They can regulate their nervous system

Most of our triggers and conflicts come from an unregulated nervous system. One partner feels inadequate or fearful and lashes out. Their nervous system is trying to protect them from perceived danger.

But a healthy partner found ways to regulate their nervous system and knows that all triggers are teachers. They are aware of their body before they react and know how to calm down.

They also have compassion for their partner’s nervous system, but don’t become martyrs in the meantime. They choose regulated partners for themselves as well.

7. They celebrate you

A healthy long-term partner celebrates your successes and your path to becoming whole. They don’t make you dependent on them and encourage you to work on yourself, even if that’s uncomfortable.

They see a relationship as an expansion of themselves and are genuinely happy to see you thrive. Your happiness is their happiness.

A healthy partner doesn’t compete with you and encourages you to become the best version of yourself (without becoming controlling).

8. They are willing to repair

No relationship can be healthy if one partner is not willing to repair. Every relationship will have conflict and discussions, but it becomes toxic if there is constant fighting and no improvement in communication.

A healthy partner wants to resolve conflict and understand the other one deeply, not just get their way.

This means they can apologize and don’t weaponize vulnerability later. They will change their behavior if that is necessary for the relationship to grow.

You attract what you send out

If you read this list and are wondering where you will find people like that, the first step is to look within. The Universe responds to vibration, not to what you want.

If you become a healthy partner, you will attract a healthy partner. That doesn’t mean you will never meet toxic people again. But if you are aware of what safe love should feel like, you will walk away earlier from a person who is not good for you.

And safe love feels like a warm bath. It nourishes you and calms you and makes you feel safe and secure. It doesn’t put your nervous system on edge, but regulates it.

Physical attraction is also important

There is no mention of physical attraction in these 8 signs, but I think that is also an important factor in a long-term relationship. We need that bodily connection, and conscious sex is the best form of sex (I personally think).

A healthy partner worships your body and treats it like something sacred. There is so much beauty in having a fully aware physical attraction to someone and devoting yourself to that.

We often dismiss this desire in long-term relationships, but without it, you will just become best friends.

Take care of your own body before you give it to somebody else. The relationship with yourself is as important.

The ultimate green flag

No relationship will work if there is no commitment to growth. All the other green flags can be achieved, but the first requirement is conscious awareness.

If somebody doesn’t want to grow in and for the relationship, they won’t be a healthy partner. Love cannot be stagnant; it’s a moving energy in constant search for deepening.

And remember, nobody is perfect — we are all learning in this life. But if they are committed to becoming whole with you (not through you), then you can grow into a healthy, long-term partnership.

Has this article helped you, and want to support my writing? I would be super grateful if you could Buy Me a Coffee. Thank you so much!

Call me naive, but I don’t just think that soulmates are real. I know they are. In fact, I already met a few in my lifetime.

I believe several people can be our soulmates, and they are not only romantic ones. They all come at different times in our lives to help us evolve. And when you are meant to meet each other, nothing stops that from happening.

Soulmates are not just lovely fantasies, though; they often reflect something hidden deep inside of you. According to Carl Jung, soulmates are mirrors of your subconsciousness and often carry archetypal energy.

Soulmates have a purpose

I think everybody we meet who causes us to deeply transform is pre-destined. We don’t just cross their paths by accident; there is a higher reason behind it. These souls come to change you, whether through deep pain or through deep love.

Some soul connections carry karma from the past. If that is the case, the relationship will not be easy. The goal is to forgive the karma and move on in gratitude. A lot of triggers will come to the surface here, and your only job is to go inward to heal yourself.

Other souls come to show you what true love feels like. This is like coming home; you feel truly seen and appreciated by someone. It’s like you finally get rewarded for what you’ve always known to be true: soulmates are real.

How to recognize soulmate connections?

In a certain sense, everybody in your life makes you grow. But with soulmates, this growth is so transformational that it’s hard to think it was all a coincidence. And it wasn’t.

Here are 9 signs of a soulmate:

1. You feel the recognition immediately

There is a reason why, with some people, you feel this inner sense of recognition, like you have met them before. You look into their eyes, and something sparks.

This happened to me with a guy whom I saw at the intro party of my new university when I was 20 years old. I was standing in front of the DJ booth when I suddenly felt the urge to turn around and look backwards. He stood there, quite far away, and I felt a jolt of recognition.

I had to pinch my eyes to really look at him, wondering where I’d met him before. However, I had never seen him, and he turned out to be a hard lesson in my life.

Some would say this is because of a shared trauma, and maybe it is. But if that is the case, these people show up to heal that trauma.

2. Inner shadow activation

According to Jung, a soulmate reflects your shadow back at you. Whatever you love or hate about them is also in you. Here comes the Anima/Animus archetype at play: you are projecting your suppressed inner masculine or feminine onto them.

That is why it feels like coming home, you suddenly come face to face with the part that you tried to hide for so long. The shadow longs to be seen, and if you are with a soulmate, that is what is going to happen.

3. Your gifts will come out

Having them in your life will activate hidden gifts and talents. Maybe they support you in following your dreams. Or they make you believe you are actually good enough to bring out your creativity. Or pursue that writing career.

One of my soulmates always praised me for being so entrepreneurial, a side of me that I absolutely did not see in myself. But his view of me made me believe in that too, and now I make enough money with my business to support myself full-time.

4. Your consciousness expands

If you never believed in anything supernatural or magical, a soulmate will make you question all your beliefs. The connection you feel with them is beyond explanation.

You will have moments of pure Oneness with them, where everything in the world falls away, and it’s just you two. The Earth will feel more welcoming in general, and you will start seeing beyond the veil.

A true soulmate wakes you up and takes the ordinary out of everyday life. Because life is not ordinary …  it’s pure magic.

5. Challenges that push you to grow

Not all soulmate connections are easy. Some shake you at the core and make your whole foundation crumble. If that happens, that was exactly the purpose.

They came to bring you back to yourself. They disrupt your comfort zone and make you grow immensely. Don’t think you can escape this; they will keep coming back until you finally learn the lesson.

A soulmate signed a contract with you before your birth. They enter into your life to make you evolve, and sometimes this comes with very hard lessons. This is not to punish you, but to help you come home to yourself.

6. A calling toward a shared purpose

When you have a soulmate in your life, you most likely get pushed into a shared mission. Maybe it’s to heal one another, or to be of service to others.

A soulmate will make you see that we are all One, and the desire to help your community will get activated. We are not on this Earth to just live our own lives. We are here to expand the collective consciousness.

Soulmates will help you with that mission.

7. Time starts to bend

Moments spent with a true soulmate are timeless. When you are together, it sometimes feels like time does not exist. It becomes spacious and light, as if you can even travel to other Universes.

Time is only a given on our planet and is a concept of the human mind. When you are with a soulmate, you start feeling those moments of timeless presence. This is how it is when two souls are truly together, and not only their bodies.

8. Energetic communication

When a soulmate has entered your life, you will feel their energy even if they are not around. For example, you might feel their sadness and their happiness at any random moment.

At first, this is very hard to recognize. You might think it comes from inside of you, and in a certain way it does. But when your mood suddenly changes out of nowhere, it could be their energy you are feeling.

According to quantum physics, atoms that have a connection with each other can be affected by one another even when apart. There are even scientific researches now that molecules that have been completely separated still act in the same way as the other one does.

This just shows our energetic resonance goes way beyond our initial understanding, and that energy is real.

9. They bring you into inner union

While the idea of a soulmate might sound romantic, it’s often not. They come into your life to bring you into inner union. Jung calls this individuation: when you embody all your repressed energies in a balanced way.

This means your higher Self vs. your ego, your masculine vs. your feminine, the different archetypes, and your shadow and your light.

A soulmate might feel like they complete you in all of these aspects, but a real soulmate makes you feel whole within yourself. You don’t need them to feel that way.

What is the purpose of soulmates?

Not all soulmates come to stay forever, but that doesn’t make them less valuable. Some people stay with us for exactly the right amount of time we need to find ourselves.

I know how hard this is to accept. I’ve met two soulmates in my life, and they were both incredibly hard to let go of. There might always be a sort of longing to them, because this life is not your first rodeo with them. Maybe in the next life, you have both evolved enough for a forever partnership.

I believe that some soulmates make you grow so much that the next one you will meet will finally stay. After all, you can’t have a fully conscious relationship if you are not whole in yourself.

Sometimes, you are still acting from your past traumas, so a soulmate will show up to help you overcome that. But they might not last forever.

How to know if your soulmate is meant to stay?

I think the Universe guides us to meet people, but also guides us to let go. You will start seeing cracks in the relationship. Your body will show signs. Things stop aligning. You stop growing.

Soulmates are powerful catalysts, but you have to do the work to make yourself grow. One way to do this is with shadow work, which I published a guided journal about.

After the inner work, you will start sending out a frequency that is healthy and conscious, so you will also attract that in your life. The right people will always come into your life at the right time.

Believe that what is meant for you will show up. Simply because they are also ready for you.

My Anxious & Avoidant Shadow Work Journal is a great first step to becoming aware of your own attachment issues, so you can start healing.

It is available as a digital download or as a print journal, in case you are interested in learning about yourself through shadow work.

It’s been almost six years now since I entered into a spiritual awakening. I have been through the Dark Night of the Soul phase , and got to know my inner child and her core traumas. I did a lot of inner work these past years and discovered a lot of things about my conditioning.

I experienced many positive and negative side effects from my spiritual awakening. Being the best effect that I learned to always go with the flow and appreciate all things life throws at me, even the negative parts. I feel generally very at peace on a day-to-day basis.

But one negative side effect that I have a hard time dealing with is how boring it made me.

Of course, boring is a subjective feeling and maybe should not be perceived as such. But the truth is that it’s hard for me to just have fun since my spiritual awakening.

From extrovert to introvert

I used to travel a lot — to 45 countries to be precise. I loved this part of my life because I loved meeting new people and going on spontaneous adventures. I was always up for a last-minute party and would hardly say ‘no’ to any new experiences that could make my life more interesting.

I would consider myself quite an extrovert before my spiritual awakening.

Most of the time, I was easy to talk to and didn’t have a hard time engaging in conversations. I didn’t often speak about serious things and was generally just easy to be around.

But after my spiritual awakening, I turned into a complete introvert. The people I used to hang out with bore me with their shallow conversations. I didn’t want to engage in gossip anymore, and I realized that a lot of my interactions with people were based on that.

Parties also didn’t interest me anymore. I was very aware of the damage I was doing to my body by consuming alcohol and/or drugs. And going sober to a party turned out to be not nearly as fun for me.

No more parties

Looking back at it now, I used to love partying because it gave me a reason to escape my ‘real life’. The weekend was the moment to unwind, dance, and let go of everything. This often involved getting drunk and/or high and partying till the crack of dawn.

The next day, I would be useless because my hangovers would prevent me from doing anything active the day after. I didn’t really care, though — I had nothing better to do anyway. Sunday was ‘Netflix and food order day’ during my party years.

But when I discovered spirituality in my life, I wanted to absorb all the things I could learn about it. A whole new world opened up to me;  from trance-like meditations to lucid dreaming and Kundalini activations.

My Saturdays now consisted of going to healing ceremonies or taking plant medicine.

The Shadow Side of an Awakening

But a real spiritual awakening eventually forces you into the Dark Night of the Soul. After all, the entire reason you entered into an awakening is to get to know the real you.

For me, this meant going deep inside my childhood wounds and the reasons why I was always traveling,  or actually running away. I discovered a lot about my toxic patterns and shadow sides.

During that time, I completely isolated myself.

I had so much going on in my mind that I could not bear being around others. Let alone hearing their gossip, or dancing the night away.

I spent complete weekends alone in my house ,  going deeper and deeper into the shadows of my being. Some might have called it depression, and in hindsight, it might have been close to that.

All I wanted was to spend time in nature and with myself. I had no motivation to work or spend my time with people who were not open to anything spiritual.

Boredom and spiritual awakenings

Being bored and feeling boring is a part of the awakening process. It’s hard to let go of the person you once thought you were, and sometimes you miss them. I sometimes wish I could go back to being that carefree, happy backpacker that I used to be, not questioning every little thing that happens in my life.

I guess that feeling boring around others is a natural reaction if you compare your life with your previous friends. Looking at their Instagram stories might even worsen that effect ; it seems like the whole world is having fun except you.

And I think this is exactly where the lesson lies: you cannot compare your life to somebody else’s anymore.

Your life is unique and so are you.

Everything always happens at the exact right moment ,  and that includes your spiritual awakening and being boring for a while.

It doesn’t help to dwell on the past and the person you used to be,  they no longer exist. And that is actually a good thing. If you learn to fully accept yourself at this very moment, you will also attract the right situations in your life.

High sensitivity

I discovered that one of the reasons that I became boring is because I got hyper-sensitive to a lot of things around me. One of them are cities. I feel the chaos and intense sounds and lights deep inside my body, and it overwhelms me.

I am very aware of the environment I place myself in, and if that emits a lot of negative energy, it directly affects me. Nightclubs also tend to have a lot of bad energy often, many people there just want to escape their lives (no judgment here, I was one of them for almost all my life!).

Being around negative people also impacts my personal energy. I tend to take on and feel their problems inside myself. My spiritual awakening made me a lot more empathetic, and absorbing energies is a direct result of that.

I now prefer to spend time alone and not be influenced by so many energies around me.

Boring and happy alone

I think that one of the main reasons why awakened people tend to feel boring is because they learned to be happy alone. Our whole lives, we have learned to distract ourselves with external things. We always strive for the next best thing, and it’s very hard to enjoy the moment right now.

But if you have passed through the Dark Night of the Soul, you have learned to be happy with just yourself. You no longer need all those distractions, and you can genuinely enjoy your own company.

In the beginning, it was really hard for me to have nothing to do on the weekends. I felt shame when people asked me what my plans were for Saturday night — I literally had none.

Being alone in my house on a Saturday night amplified my feeling of being boring. I knew all my friends were having fun and getting drunk, and I was just sitting on my couch with a self-help book or watching a spiritual documentary.

It was only when I forced myself to go to some parties that I realized: This is not me anymore. I can’t pretend that I like to party any longer ,  it just makes me feel further removed from the people around me. And with that, further removed from myself.

Being boring helped me discover my gifts

There is one beautiful silver lining in feeling boring after your awakening: you have more time to discover your unique talents.

Imagine all that time you used to spend chasing happiness (in alcohol/drugs, sex, or money), material things, and achievements. And once you reached it, the next thing was already waiting in line.

But after your spiritual awakening, you know you don’t need to chase any of those things anymore . You are simply whole as you are right now. This leaves you with so much more time to discover your gifts.

Maybe you are a great musician, love painting/drawing, or unmask the hidden writer in yourself. Being boring helps you to really develop that side of yourself.

In my case, I realized I can express myself in written words better than with speech. I discovered that my body and my health are my best allies, and allow me to practice all the outdoor sports that I love.

Becoming friends with my body and my mind gave me so much gratitude for the boring parts in my life. Because in exactly those boring moments, I forced myself to do something just for me, whether that be meditation, yoga, or journaling.

Trusting my intuiton

Of course, I still think about those fun, carefree moments that used to define my life when I was traveling a lot. And yes, I do still miss that person as well.

But one result of my spiritual awakening is that I learned to trust in my intuition. And my intuition tells me now that I am just happier right now while being boring. It might be an extended version of the ‘cocoon stage’ of the spiritual awakening process, and I am not sure if this is going to last forever.

I still have hope that at some point I’ve done enough inner work to be able to simply just have fun again,  but until then, there is nothing wrong with being boring.

If you’re craving a deeper connection with yourself and feel ready to begin again, I highly recommend this course. If you’re longing for a reset, this might be just what you need.

DMT (N, N-Dimethyltryptamine) is known as the world’s most powerful hallucinogen. It gained popularity since the general rise of interest in psychedelics, like LSD, mescaline, and magic mushrooms.

DMT is a compound that naturally exists in our bodies and gets released when you actually die, but can also be awakened during deep breathwork sessions. Besides that, DMT can be found in ayahuasca, a toad in the Amazon, or in other types of plants.

It is so powerful because many people experience ‘ego-death’. You basically die, enter into a different Universe, and come back again reborn. Many people are not afraid of real death anymore after using this psychedelic, since they realize that there is much more life after dying.

My own DMT experience didn’t involve ego-death, but it did reveal some other interesting insights.

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Most of us have been conditioned since an early age that we need to live a certain way. This path generally includes getting a well-paid job, finding a partner, buying a house, and having children. This way, we are most valuable to society.

We will pay our taxes, are stuck with a mortgage for life, and work our way into depth for our kids, who are waiting for the same predicament.

We put so much emphasis on finding a partner at a young age to complete this narrative that we think we are failing if we don’t encounter one.

To be honest, I also believe that for many of us it’s important to have a romantic partner. There’s a reason why all our movies, books, and songs revolve around love.

But why rush it so much?

You’re not a failure for waiting for the One

Even though there is a certain time limit on finding your partner (if you are a woman and want kids), our society makes us believe that you have failed in life when you’re single for a long time.

There’s a lot of pressure on us to find somebody at an early age, because “all the good ones will be taken if you wait too long”.

This creates a romantic pool of people desperate to find their forever love. But we haven’t even learned any life lessons yet when we’re young. We’re operating from a total lack of awareness.

We probably get attracted to partners that subconsciously remind us of our childhood. There’s nothing wrong with that, but these types of attraction often resemble a toxic pattern.

We get addicted to the serotonin and dopamine our partners provide, and actively ignore red flags because of that.

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Believe in divine timing

One result of our society is that we have lost touch with our own intuition. We don’t believe in higher forces guiding us from within anymore.

We are very pragmatic and are told that magic does not exist. But if you are totally quiet and just observe around you… You will see that magic is everywhere.

I believe the Universe sends us signals and synchronicities all the time. But we learned not to pay attention to them. After all, a person believing in their own intuition is useless to society.

That person wouldn’t buy into the fears they are telling us, nor be on the chase for always wanting more (more money, more status, more women, more power, more clothes, more jewelry — the list is endless).

And if you stop being a consumer, you stop being valuable to the system.

Recognizing synchronicities

Divine timing exists. If there is one thing I learned after my spiritual awakening, it is that all you can do is surrender. Believe there is a plan for you. Believe everything happens for a reason — it’s all to make your soul grow.

The Universe (or God, Allah, Source, Buddha, Krishna, or whatever you want to call it) sends us signs all the time.

You probably had those typical moments when you were thinking about someone, and they suddenly reached out. Or your plans failed, but the detour caused a necessary shift in your life. Maybe you had a very strong feeling you had to take another route to work, and therefore missed a big accident.

Perhaps, you keep seeing the phrase “Let go” in songs, books, and conversations, signaling you need to release control.

Those are all signs from the Universe, and they are not coincidences.

Maybe you were dreaming of an ex just before they contact you, or receive an insight in a dream that helps solve a problem. What about premonitions that turned out to actually happen?

Even déjà vu can be a sign from the Universe about another life you were living, and you suddenly remembered something. Sudden feelings are also signs: you walk into a house and feel a deep peace (or discomfort) without a logical explanation.

When you pay attention to these signals, you will notice that the Universe shows you when you’re not aligned with someone.

Signs the Universe Sends When You Are Not Meant to Be With Someone

Since we’re so focused on partnership, it’s hard to walk away when the time is right. We try to change the other person, blame it on attachment styles, or pay an expensive therapist to help us out.

But our souls already know. Here are some signs you should learn to recognize:

1. You feel drained after spending time with them

Energy is real. We constantly react to each other’s soul energy — it’s the reason why you are drawn to certain people and want to stay far away from others.

If your partner makes you feel empty all the time, this is a big sign that you are not aligned. Maybe you get a headache after talking to them. Or fatigue kicks in when you spend time with them.

Don’t ignore these signs. After all, the body keeps the score.

2. You’re getting a lot of setbacks

Synchronicities are not just coincidences. They are signs that things are (not) aligning. Or you’ll get signs about things that constantly fall apart.

Missed appointments, canceled plans, traffic jams that prevent you from getting to your partner; pay attention.

If there is a constant disruption of flow, this is a sign you’re not aligned. This can also manifest in the form of having endless discussions or constantly being misunderstood by your partner.

3. Your intuition is trying to reach you

This is an important sign you shouldn’t ignore. It can be an inner knowing, a gut feeling, an upset stomach, or anything that just feels “off”.

This is a sign trying to grab your attention. Maybe you have heavy dreams about your partner, or instantly become irritated when they are around you.

Your intuition knows it before you do and is making your body respond. Don’t push it away.

4. You don’t grow with them

We all walk certain paths in life. Some people never overcome their traumas. Some people will always project their pain onto others. Some will have addictions that they keep for the rest of their lives.

But if you are healing and doing the inner work, and they are not, your paths are separating. If they constantly fall back into old patterns and don’t want to change anything, it’s time to let them go.

Your values are (becoming) different from theirs, and this cannot create a harmonious relationship.

5. The lessons keep repeating

You always get into the same discussion. Always have a fight about the same thing. Keep stumbling on miscommunication with them. Your growth is not growing with them anymore, and you are stuck in the same patterns.

This is a big sign that you are not aligned anymore. The lesson keeps repeating itself until you learn it. When one of you doesn’t learn, your paths are separating, and something much better is waiting for you.

6. It feels like an addiction

Any sort of addiction is bad. This includes an addiction to your partner. If you feel you can’t live without them, that your whole day revolves around them, and every little thing they do affects you immensely — that’s not healthy.

You are not aligned with your partner; you’re acting from trauma. You need them to not feel lonely and would do anything to make them stay. These types of patterns are big lessons about your childhood and have nothing to do with real love.

7. You don’t like who you are around them

This is a massive sign often overlooked. You realize you don’t like yourself when you are with them. Maybe you are mean to them, get very controlling, and want them to constantly change something.

When you are a genuinely nice person to others, but your partner brings out the worst in you, don’t take this lightly. They might trigger your deepest shadows and wounds, and even though this is a sign you need to work on yourself as well, it can mean your partner is so unaligned with you that you dislike yourself completely.

8. You are waiting for them to change

The Universe wants us to accept what is, not what could be. True love is loving someone for who they are right now, not for their potential they could be in the future.

If you only stay with someone because you think they will change at some point, don’t. Only you are the one who can change yourself — don’t wait for them to do the work.

Walk away when you don’t like who they are right now. It’s not your responsibility to change them or heal them.

Know when it’s time to walk away

Some people come for a reason, others for a season, and a few rare ones for a lifetime. Our general approach to relationships is not to just give up. Keep loving your partner, and they will eventually change.

But it doesn’t work like that. You need to change. If the Universe is constantly sending you signals, it’s time to recognize them and move on.

It’s no crime to give up on someone. Actually, it’s the only right thing to do sometimes. You are preventing their growth, plus your own, by staying with somebody who is not aligned.

The Universe has all these amazing things for you in mind, but if you fail to listen to the first signs, you will never get it.

Eventually, you just settle for less and blame it on the situation. But the only one to blame is yourself for staying. We can only work on ourselves; no one else causes our problems. It’s all about how you perceive them.

Trust that by closing one door, another one will open for you.

My Anxious & Avoidant Shadow Work Journal is a great first step to becoming aware of your own attachment issues, so you can start healing.

It is available as a digital download or as a print journal, in case you are interested in learning about yourself through shadow work.

The Dark Night of the Soul is a term coined by St. John Of The Cross during the 16th Century. It describes the lowest period in a Soul’s lifetime and is often confused with depression. There is a big difference, though: the Dark Night is a spiritual depression meant to wake you up to a point where there is no return anymore.

This is the moment life as you know it completely crumbles away underneath your feet. Everything you believe in suddenly seems futile. You were told your whole life that external things would bring happiness. But the more external desires you fulfill, the further happiness seems away from you. You did everything society demanded of you — you got a good job, a nice partner, a house, maybe some kids. You are a good citizen, helping others and bringing money in for your company and family.

You have friends around you who you hang out with often, you take nice vacations, and life is generally pretty good to you.

How come you’re not happy?

Waking up to your own unhappiness

Once you realize you’re the opposite of being happy, everything around you seems like the ultimate burden. Even doing and buying whatever you want doesn’t excite you anymore. What’s going on?

I know so many people who are depressed without even knowing it. This is not limited to people who are living the mundane society life, but also to those who have built their supposed dream life somewhere else. They escaped the rat race of society, live in a beautiful house, are financially free, have a loving partner and friends around them, and still, they are not happy.

Depression doesn’t seem to spare those who seem to have it all.

It happened to me as well. I was traveling the world, living in the most beautiful houses, sailing the seas, and seeing the most incredible places some can only dream of. I didn’t have a full-time job with all the stresses that come with that, but I worked seasonally and only occasionally to finance my lifestyle.

I was very lucky as well — I often got the best deals, and things always seemed to work out for me. I often praised myself as the luckiest girl alive to be able to experience all of this.

Not my authentic Self

There was one thing missing from my life, though.

Me.

I had taken on a persona to cope with the pain I had left behind in my own country. I wore the mask of the happy backpacker girl who seemed fearless and fun. I presented myself as an extrovert who loved partying and traveling. I slept in hostels and made friends with everybody around me. Only to move on as quickly as I had known them.

That was exactly the problem, however: I couldn’t be myself around them, so I traveled fast before they would find out. I wasn’t doing this consciously, though. I thought it was just who I am. I loved the thrill of finding new places and meeting new people.

Now, after I went through my Dark Night of the Soul, I realized I have always been an introvert. I never felt like I belonged anywhere, so I made myself into somebody I thought people appreciated. And I was so good at it that I even believed it myself.

The Dark Night of the Soul is a blessing

I have had minor depressions before in my 20s, but nothing compared to how I felt during the Dark Night of the Soul. My whole existence crumbled to pieces, and I was left completely empty. I remember lying flat on the floor in my kitchen one day because I felt so incredibly alone and broken that I couldn’t even move anymore.

The Dark Night presented itself to me after an intense break-up when I was 33 years old. I had changed my whole life around to be with this person and had crossed many of my own boundaries during our time together. When the relationship failed, I felt like the ultimate failure myself. I had no idea where I should go or what I should do with my life, as I had lost my backpacker identity completely as well. Who was I if I didn’t even know myself??

I know now that I was having an existential crisis, which is a vital part of the Dark Night of the Soul. This is also what differentiates it from a ‘normal’ depression, which can happen because of hormonal imbalances.

“An existential crisis encompasses overwhelming feelings of dread, anxiety, confusion, dissatisfaction, etc., around the deeper questions of life, such as who you are, what happens after we die, and the general meaning of life.” — Mind Body Green

A Dark Night of the Soul is the period where you’re stripped completely empty of everything you thought you were. And this is necessary because only then can you meet your authentic Self. If nothing is left anymore, only your pure Soul stays. After that, you can rebuild yourself into who you truly are.

More than just a night

The Dark Night lasts much longer than just one night, as the name might indicate. For me, it was a period of more than two years. I had to slowly get to the core of my issues and how they shaped me. Peeling more layers every time I thought I’d healed.

It was a period of introspection and a lot of meditation and yoga. I quit drinking and dating and looked at my childhood in depth. I also took plant medicine because I felt like some issues I just couldn’t reach alone.

And slowly, piece by piece, I found myself again. I embraced my introverted side and respected my boundaries more. I learned to say no without needing an excuse. I dropped my people-pleasing tendency just to be liked by others. I dared to say my truth. Better yet, I was proud to say my truth.

My eyes opened to the matrix life most of us tend to be stuck in. We have been conditioned since childhood that we need to become someone in order to succeed. I started to realize that humans are mostly living on autopilot — following the path that society demands of us.

This already starts in kindergarten, where kids are told they have a disorder when they have ADHD or autism. We all need to comply with the general rules of learning in school from books and theory, but so many children don’t thrive this way.

And it continues in college and even in our jobs  and relationships: we all need to follow orders to ‘succeed’ in society.

The blessing of the Dark Night

The Dark Night of the Soul strips you of all these external controls. All your conditioning and trying to fit in doesn’t make sense anymore. Who even cares to fit in if fitting in is exactly the issue here?

Your unique Self and perspective on the world show up during the Dark Night. It doesn’t come easily, though — you will have to do a lot of inner work to really see the truth about the lie you’ve been living for so long.

But once you’ve truly dared to look in the mirror, an immense sense of surrender comes along. You will understand that everything happens for a reason and that even the hardest times of your life are helping you grow.

You will learn to accept every situation as it is and not try to change anything. After all, you know you cannot change anything once it has happened. All you can do is accept it, learn from it, and move on.

This ultimate surrender to the flow of life is your reward after going through a Dark Night. You’ll care less about what people think of you and more about just being yourself. Because you’ll realize you are good enough exactly the way you are right now.

Trusting your intuition

Another reason why the Dark Night of the Soul is the best thing to ever happen to you is the fact that your intuition becomes the driving force of your life.

When something feels off, you’ll feel it and act on it. You tune in with your body and protect yourself from toxic people and situations. Where once you wanted everybody to like you, now you know exactly who to stay away from.

We are all born with our personal superpower intuition. But over the years, you have learned to silence it. This is what happens automatically by following society’s rules. Your intuition is always trying to get your attention, but you numbed it.

There is one question to ask yourself if you wonder if your intuition is working.

Do you feel at peace?

If you’re generally not, it means somewhere along the way you’ve silenced your inner voice. After all, its only job is to help you make the right decisions in your life. And if you’re constantly walking in the wrong direction, the result is that you’re never at peace.

Not always red wine and roses

This doesn’t mean, however, that if you’ve been through the Dark Night and re-awakened your intuition, life will always be happy.

It’s not.

Life is all about balance, and we can never be 100% happy. If you were always happy, you wouldn’t even know it because you don’t know how it feels to be sad.

And that’s the beauty of experiencing a Dark Night of the Soul — you feel so incredibly sad during that period that every step forward is better than before.

Building yourself up after the Dark Night is what does make you happy. Because you can finally be your authentic Self and cut loose from the grip of performance.

You can make decisions that help your Soul’s journey. You learn to detach from situations you have no control over. And you can connect to the beauty and wonder that is around you all the time.

Don’t give up

If you’re experiencing a Dark Night of the Soul now, don’t give up. I know it feels like nothing in life has value anymore, but this is all part of it. Embrace the pain and let the emotions flow through.

Spend time alone in nature and in solitude, and actively avoid your go-to distraction. Whether it’s drinking, sex, eating, work, shopping, binge-watching, or whatever you normally do to distract yourself, now is the time to work through your issues.

Your Soul will thank you for it.

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If I had known six years ago that I was entering a spiritual awakening instead of feeling like I was going crazy, it could have made my journey a whole lot easier. I had never even heard of the term spiritual awakening, and actually wanted to stay far away from anything spiritual.

But the truth is… once you enter this journey, there is no way back. You can fight it or write it off as bullshit, but sooner or later, you will have to deal with it.

What is a spiritual awakening?

A spiritual awakening is basically a wake-up call from our matrix society. You suddenly realise how most people are unhappy and are just living on autopilot (including yourself).

You start to see what is wrong with the world and with our consumerist way of thinking. You feel no joy in fitting in anymore, and you crave to find a real meaning in your life. Your job suddenly doesn’t interest you any longer, and you have an ongoing sensation of anxiety. You try to find external distractions, but nothing seems to be able to shake off that feeling.

A spiritual awakening changes you so profoundly; you can never be who you were anymore. And it’s certainly not an easy journey. The ‘western’ explanation would probably be that you are going through a depression.

But you know in your heart it’s something much deeper.

What are the stages of a spiritual awakening?

It is easy to confuse a spiritual awakening with depression. We know so little about the secrets of the Universe that we try to explain them with logic or science. Your doctor might prescribe you anti-depressants, which end up making you feel even more useless.

So what then are the stages of a spiritual awakening? You might not recognise the following signs:

1. Being Angry About Everything

My own spiritual awakening started with feeling angry about everything. And with everything, I mean E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. I was angry at my (ex)boyfriend, at my job, at my travel life, at my family, at society, at the cities, at my friends, at the topics we talked about, at my country, and much more.

I was angry about a lot of things. But most of all, I was disappointed with myself.

How could I even justify being so angry while living an almost perfect life? I literally had no reason to feel this way, which made me even angrier.

2. Feeling Empty

After my anger stage, I was left just feeling empty. I continued doing the things I did (traveling the world), but I found no joy in it anymore. What I once thought was my life’s mission now felt like a confusing mental trap.

I felt like I was wasting my years trying to pursue something that I would never find. Traveling used to give me this immense feeling of happiness and freedom, but now it felt like a cage I couldn’t escape from.

3. A Big Change In Your Life

This is where a spiritual awakening is different from a regular depression. Something big changes in your life. You might meet somebody important to you, quit your job, lose somebody close to you or have a serious accident. It could also be a profound psychedelic experience that awakens you.

This event totally shakes you up.

Your eyes literally open up to a new world. You suddenly see that you have to do something about this feeling you are having.

You become much more aware that something profound is happening in your inner being. You start to see that our society, as we know it, is not healthy for us. And that most people are not conscious about the way they live their lives.

4. The Search For Understanding

This is the stage where you get more interested in spiritual or religious books and videos. You want to figure stuff out. You look for online communities that you feel aligned with.

You search for friends who have ‘woken up’ as well. You are like a sponge now; there is so much to learn! You might also have mystical experiences; things you just can’t explain to anybody.

I experienced moments in nature when I felt completely one with everything around me. I had dreams that felt like visions. I dedicated myself to yoga and meditation, and I had out-of-body experiences.

5. The Disillusion

After the previous stage, which feels so blissful, this fifth spiritual awakening stage is exactly the opposite. Even though you know there is something more, it doesn’t feel like it anymore. You don’t have that feeling of oneness any longer, your curiosity drops, and you might even think it was all an illusion.

It feels like the Universe has turned its back on you. Your feelings of emptiness come back, and you wonder once again why the hell we are doing it all for.

You can’t fit it into your previous life anymore, but you also feel foreign in your new life. Your new spiritual friends seem more and more crazy, and you wish you never discovered this side of yourself.

6. The Dark Night Of The Soul

This part is the worst of all the spiritual awakening stages. You fall into a deep void. Everything around you doesn’t make sense anymore, and generally, life feels pretty fucked up.

You learned enough during the previous stages to know that humanity is deeply flawed, yet you can’t seem to do anything about it. You feel like there is no sense in trying to figure stuff out anymore — everything is shit anyway.

But this stage is also the part where you grow the most. You discover things about your childhood traumas. The veil of your conditioning drops, and you have the chance to start from zero again.

7. Getting To Know Yourself

Once you have fallen so deep, there is only one way out. You have to get to know yourself. Get to know your inner demons and shadows.

Where did they come from? Why did you hide them? Who and what brings out the worst in you?

You finally learn how to really love yourself.

You realise you were always looking for external answers, but everything you need to know is found within.

This is the perfect time to do inner work. I bought a shadow journal and an inner child journal, and they helped me immensely to get to know myself. You need solitude during this stage, or else you just keep distracting yourself more with external things.

8. Increased Sensitivity

Once you get more connected to your Soul, your body follows as well. You suddenly become more sensitive to external noise. Cities might drain you. You start to feel other people’s energy. You have the urgent need to take care of your body and leave all toxicity behind (like junk food, smoking, drinking, etc).

You start to notice synchronicities around you, and your sleep pattern might change, and you’ll have more meaningful dreams.

I wrote another article about this stage because it can feel very overwhelming.

9. Inner Peace

The best part of the spiritual awakening journey is inner peace. Even though shitty things still happen to you, now you can deal with them. You embrace all the feelings you have, the good as well as the bad. You stop needing external validation.

You feel more empathy and compassion towards people around you. You realise everyone is on their own journey and you can’t do anything about that, except inspire others.

You let go of attachments. You stop chasing unavailable people and reinforce your own boundaries.

You realise we are all One, and what you do to others directly affects your own Soul as well. You have the need to protect Mother Earth and drastically change your own consumer behaviour.

10. Service & Co-Creation

The final part can take years to reach, and many people get stuck in one of the previous stages. But a complete spiritual awakening involves being of service to others.

You see that awakening isn’t personal but a collective endeavour. You feel the deep need to guide others as well, not by forcing them, but by inspiring them.

Your purpose will be activated during this stage, and it always involves making the world a better place. You become a stabilising frequency towards others and possess a deep inner wisdom.

Why does a spiritual awakening happen?

I think a spiritual awakening happens because we, as humanity, need to learn some lessons. We have forgotten about our ancestors and our connection to nature.

All we think about is ego, money and power, and we totally lost touch with ourselves. Our planet is slowly dying, and nobody really does anything about it.

A spiritual awakening connects you to your intuition again, and you learn you have so much to give to this world. You discover hidden talents, and you generally become a better person.

You get less judgmental and learn to flow with the present moment. My own spiritual awakening drastically changed who I was and how I saw myself. I haven’t experienced a more fulfilling part of my life than during my spiritual awakening stages.

So if you recognise yourself in any of the signs above, don’t immediately grab towards those anti-depressants or alcohol/drugs/sex.

Life just may have this amazing journey planned for you.

If you’re craving a deeper connection with yourself and feel ready to begin again, I highly recommend this course. If you’re longing for a reset, this might be just what you need.

The more I learn, the less I know.

Over the past six years, I have devoured spiritual and self-healing books, been on numerous psychedelic journeys, watched countless YouTube videos on trauma, and meditated for hours. I had profound insights and luckily was able to spend a lot of time alone in nature.

But having to function again in normal everyday society makes me wonder … what if all the inner work leads to nowhere? I am once again trying to fit into a mold that I tried so hard to break free from.

Healing in a high-functioning society

I have spent the last five years living in the desert in Mexico. These years were the most catalytic of my life, not only because the pandemic forced me to put the brakes on my nomadic lifestyle, but mostly because I had to face the darkness that had been surrounding me since I could remember.

I think many people come face-to-face with their shadow at least once in their lives. But when it shows up, you still have to welcome it into your house. I had the privilege of being surrounded by nature with no job or financial responsibilities when mine forced its way into my life. It gave me the chance to dive deep into the psyche of my being. Finally learning who I am.

It made me enter into a Dark Night of The Soul, which is basically another word for spiritual depression. My whole life, I had pretended to be someone I am not, and now I had to face that. I lost touch with everything that mattered to me before, and there were times when I just wanted to leave this world. But it also gave me the chance to start from zero again with newborn eyes to the beauty surrounding me.

And after those years inside the Dark Night of the Soul, I came to the conclusion that I don’t exist, but I am part of everything that surrounds me.

Coming back into normal life

I am very well aware of the luxury of being able to be in solitude while undergoing my Dark Night. I lived in a beautiful rent-free house with the ocean within walking distance of me. Some of my friends were undergoing similar journeys, so I had time and space to talk about my insights.

Without these circumstances, I would probably not have been ready to face the darkness. It’s a journey that requires immense dedication and devotion, diving deeper and deeper into the core of who you are. And many people simply don’t have time for that.

Most of us have to pay mortgages, raise kids, and navigate complicated relationships. How would you ever have time enough to heal yourself? No wonder that when the darkness shows up, you push it away. I don’t blame you.

But this is exactly the reason why people become depressed, burned out, get all sorts of diseases, and sometimes even commit suicide. The darkness is within, and it is going to show up no matter what.

Get out of your comfort zone

You might wonder if facing the darkness is worth it. Why make yourself feel even lower than you already are? You probably have found a way to make it comfortable to live your life this way now. Your situation is not ideal, but hey, it’s not that bad, right?

I see it all around me: people are just “okay”. Not happy, not sad. They learned to live with the choices they made and get comfy in their comfort zone. But you will never grow in your comfort zone.

When the darkness presents itself, embrace it. This is where you will learn the most. The darkness can come from a broken relationship, a loss you have to endure, a situation at work you can’t escape from, or simply a dark cloud hanging above your head all the time.

The truth is, you are not okay with what’s happening to you. You try to make peace with it, but it just comes back in another form. You make excuses for why things happen the way they do and hold on to beliefs you have built around your safety.

Inner peace is real

But safety is an illusion if you are not safe within yourself. For me, coming back home to the Netherlands made me aware that, yes, inner peace also exists there. I tried to run away from this country for over ten years, trying to find something outside of myself.

I can now finally say that I can live my life authentically. I can flow with life as it comes, and ride the wave of how it presents itself to me. Whatever happens, I know it passes, and it’s a lesson. Everything that triggers me is an invitation to take a moment in introspection to see what’s really going on.

After all, a trigger shows you where there is still hurt inside. When you learn to flow with your triggers, inner peace follows. You start to accept that hurt will always be part of your life. And so will happiness.

You can’t hold on to attachments anymore because you create none. The Buddha once said that all attachments are suffering, and this is true. You try to hold on to something that just wants to pass by.

“Attachment leads to suffering.” — Gautama Buddha

The world is a construct of your mind

Have you ever wondered why some people seem to have it all? They get the best jobs, the nicest houses, and their lives just seem amazing. But you can get any of those things, too. You just have to believe in it.

If you don’t believe you’re worthy of those things, they will not show up. The world around you responds to the thoughts inside you. If you think you’re broken, you will attract brokenness into your life.

You create your own reality because the world around you would not exist without you in it. You observe the world from the place you’re at. If you’re at peace, you will experience peace no matter what happens to you.

It’s not that happy people don’t experience pain. Life is all about balance, and where happiness enters, pain is also part of it. But peaceful people accept this constant changeability of life.

Sadly, most people learned to live so comfortably with pain that they don’t even want peace anymore. Attracting (and thus chasing) drama is a painful addiction that needs a lot of courage to let go of.

Are you ready to go through the withdrawal effects of your addiction before reaching peace?

Tips to reach inner peace

Inner peace doesn’t mean constant happiness. Our whole world is shaped around balance; it is simply impossible to always be happy. Inner peace means that you flow with whatever happens to you.

But how do you do that if everything around you feels like it’s against you? Here are some tips:

1. Know thyself

I think the first step to inner peace is to get to know yourself. Who are you really? What experiences have shaped you? What makes you happy? What makes you sad? And why?

And most of all, what triggers you? Whatever triggers you is a lesson to dive deeper. Journaling and reading self-help books can help you in this stage.

2. Meditation and mindfulness

I know it’s cliché, but meditation is essential for inner peace. You can finally see your thoughts passing by instead of engaging in them constantly. And in this stillness, profound insights occur.

Don’t give up if you think you can’t meditate. Nobody can in the beginning. Your head goes crazy with thoughts, and this is all normal. But if you’re consistent, you will experience moments of silence at some point.

Make time in your day to meditate (even just for 5 minutes), and you will see that it gets easier. For me, guided meditations on YouTube helped me a lot.

3. Practice minimalism

Materialistic stuff and things you don’t need just distract you. Besides that, they form another attachment that can worry you. If you possess a lot of things, chances are higher that you will eventually lose them. If you don’t get attached to things, you’ll suffer less.

Because we as humans naturally attach to stuff. Simplify your life (and your mind) by de-cluttering your house and getting rid of all the excess stuff.

4. Take care of yourself

Your body and your mind are implicitly connected. If you don’t take care of your health, you can’t take care of your mind either.

Eat healthy and take time to prepare your meals. Stop drinking alcohol excessively. Don’t smoke. Practice sports. Listen to your body when you are sick. Rest and have gratitude for your health.

Accept your body for what it is and don’t try to change it externally. Embrace getting older.

5. Go with the flow

This is why most people can’t feel inner peace. They don’t accept situations as they come and want to change the circumstances. They try to explain or justify why it has happened.

But sometimes things just happen… because. There is no explanation for it. You’re not being punished, you’re not the victim.

Things just happen.

For example, someone breaks into your house. This sucks. But you can’t change it. It already happened, and you lost some things (another reason to not have much stuff). It’s gone, and it will (most likely) not return.

You can dwell on this event forever and be angry and sad about it, but in the end, you will have to accept it. You create your own suffering by trying to find an explanation for it, or by soaking yourself in self-pity.

If you learn to go with the flow, you will also know that these things pass. Humans are extremely resilient, and you can overcome whatever happens to you.

Inner peace takes devotion

The main reason why many people don’t reach inner peace is that it takes devotion. You can’t expect to feel peaceful after one week of meditation. Monks spend years and years in monasteries and live a very sober life. And they are still learning every day.

Maybe that is the key to real inner peace: expect that you will be a lifelong student. Don’t desire inner peace because you’re focused on the final destination. Feel inner peace for where you’re at right now.

It’s not a badge you earn because you spent some time healing yourself. It’s a way of life, and this is an ongoing journey. Life takes you to unexpected places sometimes, and wherever a door closes, another one opens.

Embrace the darkness, and you will soon dwell in the light.

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A few weeks ago, I watched a video about the different levels of consciousness, based on the theory of David Hawkins. And it suddenly dawned on me: I had finally transcended to the green parts of the chart.

My spiritual process began five years ago, when I was forced to get to know myself on a whole different level. I had said goodbye to my nomadic existence to build a life in Mexico.

But what I didn’t anticipate was that, in order to build a new life, I first had to break my old one down. And Mexico did exactly that to me.

Mexico is a country of opposites. The darkness and the light exist very close to each other. It represented how my mind felt before I moved there.

The spiritual awakening process begins

If you are meant to go through an awakening, it will happen one way or another. And in order for it to be successful, it needs to break you down completely.

This is not just your average low period… instead, it strips you of everything you once knew. To the point that you hit rock bottom and there’s nowhere deeper to sink.

It’s called the Dark Night of the Soul, and it feels awful. Everything you once believed in, everything you thought was true about the world and yourself, falls apart.

You start to realize that most of us live on autopilot, chasing something external more and more each day. You feel extremely alone in the process, like you are the only one who is going through this.

These feelings represent the lower levels of the Map of Consciousness.

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The goal of a spiritual awakening

The ultimate goal of an awakening is to reach enlightenment, but this probably won’t happen in this lifetime. After all, real enlightenment is only attainable after going through many, many stages (and many lifetimes). Figures like Jesus, Buddha, Krishna, etc. would have been those on the highest scales of the Map.

If you are just starting the awakening process now, you most likely won’t even reach the purple Consciousness level in this life. But you can definitely get out of the ‘red zone’, which is where most people are hovering at on our current planet.

It took me 33 years to reach the green zone, and four more to get some glimpses of the blue levels. And once you are there, you know exactly why the other stages are keeping you (and the world) in a low vibration.

The Map of Consciousness

So, what are these red, green, and purple zones? They are based on the Map of Consciousness by David Hawkins. Mr. Hawkins was a spiritual teacher and psychiatrist who researched spirituality, consciousness, and frequencies.

He used kinesiology (muscle testing) to “calibrate” various emotional states, attitudes, and belief systems according to their vibrational frequency. David developed the enlightenment scale, reaching from 0 to 1000, and differing between low and high vibrational states.

Here’s an image of the map:

After watching that YouTube video, everything during my spiritual awakening process just clicked. No wonder I fell so deep — I was living my life mostly in the red zone.

The different levels of consciousness

David Hawkins claims to be able to measure people’s consciousness based on his method. But even without the machine he used, you can probably put yourself into one of the levels below.

So let me explain the different Key Levels of the Map of Consciousness:

Levels below 200: Separation and Survival

These are the frequencies where a person operates from their egoic mind, and does not believe that we all affect each other all the time.

Shame (20) — Shame is the lowest level of all. The main emotion is humiliation, and you have a miserable view of life. You feel worthless.

Guilt (30) — This level causes despair and self-punishment. The main emotion is blame. These frequencies often attract karmic loops.

Apathy (50) — On this level, you feel hopeless and depressed. You fall into victimhood and see life through a lens of helplessness.

Grief (75) — Grief is the first level where we start to feel deeply. It’s loaded with regret, loss, and sadness. You see life as tragic and long for something else.

Fear (100) — This level is very common right now. The world looks frightening, and you have a lot of anxiety. There is worry and insecurity.

Desire (125) — Desire comes right after fear, when you keep craving something external. Life feels disappointing, and you get addicted to achieving. This is false manifestation.

Anger (150) — This is a frequency that begins to generate fire. You feel frustration, resentment, and aggression. The main emotion is hate.

Pride (175) — This level is driven by ego and arrogance. You get demanding and think you are better than others. You defend your own points of view constantly.

When reaching the Pride level, the ego believes it is ascending, but the soul is still operating from polarity and control.

All levels below 200 are energetically weak. They are associated with force, conflict, and resistance to truth.

Levels 200–399: Personal Power, Healing, and Awakening

The green zone starts here, but you often still oscillate between the red and green zones in the beginning.

Courage (200) — The turning point. Here, you take responsibility and feel empowered. You see life as feasible, and the Soul begins reactivating.

Neutrality (250) — This level makes you open-minded and satisfied. You trust life and become non-judgmental to what happens to you.

Willingness (310) — This frequency comes with optimism. You feel hopeful and capable. Your soul switches to growth-mode.

Acceptance (350) — This level feels great. You are emotionally balanced and harmonious. There is an inner forgiveness for everything around you. The Soul starts to accept its mission on Earth.

Many scientists and philosophers dwell here, and stay stuck because it’s such a nice place to be in. But real truth knows: “The intellect is a bridge, not a home.”

Levels 400–1000: Divine Alignment and Remembrance

This is where the blue zone truly starts. But all levels above 200 are energetically strong. The higher you go, the more aligned you are with truth, love, and spiritual reality.

Reason (400) — Access to higher mental planes, but it can become a trap if the mind dominates the heart. You feel intellectual clarity and a deep understanding. Life is meaningful.

Love (500) — The activation of 5D frequency. You act from unity rather than polarity. This love is unconditional, and you develop compassion for all living beings.

Joy (540) — On this level, you feel a deep inner peace. You want to be of service to others and feel serene. Life is complete in your view.

Peace (600) — This is the last level a normal human being can attain. Life is perfect, and you are in a constant bliss. There is total surrender and transcendence. You won’t have a personal identity anymore.

Enlightenment (700–1000) — This is pure Source awareness. Duality dissolves. At this stage, time collapses, and the soul begins operating as a galactic emissary. It is non-linear, existing simultaneously across realms.

The map is not linear. You might operate on level 400 on relationships, but still feel at level 150 job-wise. Often, you switch between levels as well throughout your life.

Your vibration creates your reality

The levels are not just emotional or psychological. Dr. Hawkins measured the actual frequencies of a person’s consciousness. He also claimed that people on higher levels counterbalance the negativity of those on lower levels.

Each level grants access to different dimensional realities. For example:

• Below 200: access to fear-based timelines and looping karmic experiences.

• 400s: access to mental manifestation and knowledge.

• 500s: access to timelines based on love, flow, and divine orchestration.

• 700+: access to Akashic records, galactic councils, non-dual states.

This means that you literally attract what your vibration sends out. Manifestation becomes real, and this is what many people mean when they talk about the Law of Attraction. You attract things on the same level as you are operating in.

How to discover your own level of consciousness

You might already know where you are based on this scale, but it’s still helpful to think of every thought and action separately. Ask yourself each time, does this act come from fear or from love?

Don’t forget to make peace with the lower levels as well. All Souls go through different levels in their many lifetimes, and we are all here to learn and grow. There should be no judgment towards those on lower levels, even towards yourself.

These lower frequencies serve a purpose in early human evolution, helping the soul experience contrast. Don’t fight it, but don’t stay stuck in it either.

Once you reach the green zone, you will start understanding that life is a constant journey. There is no point in fighting against reality. You just have to accept what happens to you and learn from it.

The spiritual awakening journey

The awakening journey often starts when you sink to the lowest levels. In my case, this happened after a break-up I had in Mexico. Codependency, grief, and fear overtook me.

I felt like a failure in life. Like I had no idea who I really was. What did I do to cause this deep pain in myself and others? Why wasn’t I worth it to be loved? How can I finally feel like I am truly good enough?

Many people experience these moments of despair. But not many ascend from it. They stay in the victim mentality and think they cannot change.

“Suffering is due to attachment and resistance, both of which can be let go.” — David Hawkins

But you can change. Everybody can become a better version of themselves. You just have to be aware of your behavior first. But this is a painful process, and many fall back into external distractions.

When does a spiritual awakening end?

Many people on the spiritual awakening journey get stuck on the Pride level. They think they reached the end and can now help others do the same. To be honest, I was there for a long time as well.

But this is totally the spiritual ego speaking. And the ‘spiritual healer world’ is full of them. They serve ancient plant medicine, clear your chakras, and tune your frequencies.

But a real spiritual awakening never ends. You keep peeling layers of yourself away and keep learning lessons. Be aware of anybody who says they can heal you — they cannot.

You can only heal yourself, and self-awareness is key. Hopefully, this map helps you identify on which level you are, and which one comes next. Trust the process and trust the Universe for giving you exactly what you need.

I am curious to know, where do you see yourself on the map right now?

If you’re craving a deeper connection with yourself and feel ready to begin again, I highly recommend this course. If you’re ready for a reset, this might be just what you need.

The popular social media psychologist Sadia Khan is quickly gaining followers with her controversial approach to relationships.

With an online world full of a victim mentality towards people with relationship issues, she cuts to the chase and tells you that you are as much part of the story as the other.

• People pulling away from you? Look at yourself first to understand why they made that choice.

• Frustrated that you can’t get a person to love you? Perhaps you need to learn to love yourself first.

• Your partner doesn’t want to have sex with you? Where is your own fault in this?

Another social media psychology guru

I am not saying I agree with her content (much of it is very harsh), but there is some truth in her posts. Sadia Khan tells us what we are not ready to admit: that we need to take accountability for our own choices.

We all carry baggage; we all went through something that might have damaged us. It’s time to take your power back by facing your own truth first. You need to do your own work if you want a fulfilling relationship. Nobody else will do it for you.

That’s true for your whole life, by the way. Complaining about your job, house, country, partner, children, or anything else that bothers you — you are the one staying. Nobody asked you to put up with it.

And if you do need to stay, you were the one who chose it in the first place.

Maybe you made those choices when you had no idea about what you wanted yet, and thought it would all work out. And it sucks that it doesn’t.

But right now, you do have a choice: either stay and figure it out for yourself, or leave and don’t look back.

The three ingredients to commit to a relationship

Sadia came up with the three A’s (for women) and the three L’s (for men) that are required to have a good romantic relationship.

These are: Attraction, Adoration, and Admiration for women. And Lust, Labor, and Loyalty for men. Let me explain this.

The three A’s

For a woman to commit to a long-lasting relationship, she needs these three ingredients:

Attraction

A woman has to be physically Attracted to a man to even consider him. I know many women who choose a man based on his ‘father’ or ‘provider’ qualities, but this is a recipe for problems later on.

Attraction is vital to making a relationship fulfilling, and both men and women must continually work on keeping the attraction alive.

Adoration

A woman needs to feel Adored by a man. This enhances her femininity and makes her feel special, so she wants to stay with him.

According to Sadia, a man has to keep showing up for her to demonstrate she’s truly worth it for him. If he doesn’t adore her, she will be very likely to find that in another man and just keep her current partner as a back-up plan (her words, not mine).

Admiration

The third A is Admiration. This means a woman needs to admire her man. She will commit to him when she sees that he is healthy, financially stable, has his shit together, and can provide for her in the ways she needs.

This doesn’t mean he has to do all the work and carry her around like a princess. It just means that she feels safe in his presence and in his ability to take care of her, especially emotionally.

If a woman is into a guy because he needs help (which happens very often), and she thinks she can fix him, that will not lead to a fulfilling relationship.

What if one ingredient is missing?

If any of these compounds are missing, according to Sadia, a relationship will not last. If, for example, there is a high attraction towards each other, but a man is constantly drunk, broke, or aggressive (thus missing Admiration), a woman will not accept him as a good partner, and the relationship will turn toxic.

Or if a man adores a woman and puts her on a pedestal and is constantly chasing her, but there is no Attraction, it will feel like he is obsessed with her, and she will pull away.

Maybe a man is Admirable and stable, plus there is Attraction, but if he constantly looks at other women (Adoration for his own woman is missing), then the relationship will turn sour.

The three L’s

Men also need certain qualities in a woman to have a good relationship. According to Sadia, these are:

Lust

There has to be a certain form of Lust for a man to commit to a woman. It’s part of their DNA to feel sexual attraction to the female body (if they’re straight), and it’s why many men are so obsessed with sex.

If a man only chooses a woman because he is afraid to end up alone, or because he thinks she’s a good mother to his future children, but there is no lust at all, the relationship won’t last, or he will probably cheat.

Loyalty

A man needs to know his woman is Loyal to him. He needs reassurance that he is good enough, and she won’t walk away with somebody else. She needs to be emotionally stable to keep choosing him and not be a drama queen.

A woman showing loyalty is perceived as trustworthy, and the man will take her seriously. Of course, this loyalty should be mutual.

Labor

A man naturally likes to provide for his woman. This means he wants to do financial, emotional, or physical Labor to help her out. If a woman refuses any care from a man, he will likely think she doesn’t need him and that she is perfectly fine by herself.

This will make him insecure and eventually resentful. Sadia says a man has to be invested in a woman to make it worth staying. If she doesn’t receive any of his investment, the relationship will feel one-sided, and he will eventually leave.

The missing A

I can’t speak for any missing “L’s” because I am not a man, but I do find there is a missing “A” for women. I personally can be Attracted to a man, Admire him, and also feel Adored by him, but this still doesn’t mean I want a committed relationship.

For me, these three ingredients are indeed vital, but if there is not this fourth A, it still won’t work:

The fourth one is Alignment.

What I mean by Alignment is that I need to feel that our values match. I need to see that we are on a similar life journey and have been through some life lessons. I need to understand that a man is ready for a partnership and not still grieving his ex or constantly looking for a new woman.

We are Aligned if we have both done the work on our relationship triggers and are ready for a true partnership. Not because a man has a fantasy in his head about somebody I am not.

Alignment also means we have a similar life path. If a man is chasing status, materialism, and money, it won’t be a match for me.

Don’t settle for less

I swear by needing that Alignment to have a fulfilling relationship.

A lot of people settle for less because they are afraid to end up alone. And when their partners then pull away, they blame it all on them.

What I like about Sadia’s approach is that she provokes you to look in the mirror. Don’t become a victim. If somebody doesn’t want you, for whatever ‘A’ or ‘L’ might be missing, it’s time to look at why you chose this person in the first place.

You deserve somebody who is fully committed to you, and if they don’t, there is a reason for it. Accept the reason and look at what might have been missing from your side.

Believing in the One

There is also a lot I don’t like about Sadia’s posts. She is not very compassionate, believes a man should be ‘high value’ to deserve a woman, and that you need to become someone else in order to be chosen.

I don’t think we have to become anybody for the right person. You will just know it if you are meant for each other. And this has to be mutual (I can’t stress this enough). All of Sadia’s ingredients make sense, but don’t force them if they are not naturally there.

The perfect person doesn’t exist, but the perfect timing does. I believe there are multiple ‘Ones’ in our lives, and each brings its own lessons. Trust that whoever comes on your path is there for a reason. But don’t become a victim when things don’t work out.

Believe that some day everything will work out, and with the right person. You just need to love yourself first.

And you don’t need any ‘ingredients’ to explain that to you.

If you’re craving a deeper connection with yourself and feel ready to begin again, I highly recommend this course. If you’re ready for a reset this new year, this might be just what you need.1

My path into spirituality was probably the most confusing period in my life. I didn’t want anything to do with ‘woo woo’ spiritual stuff and tried to stay far away from anything mystical. And I surely didn’t sign up to be ‘a spiritual person’.

And honestly, I don’t like the way we overuse the word ‘spiritual’ nowadays. Having a certain awareness is probably a better way to describe it.

The moment I realized I had no choice but to embrace that awareness fully, a whole new life opened up for me. I wouldn’t trade this experience for anything else, and I even feel so much gratitude now for my Dark Night of the Soul.

I wouldn’t be who I am today without peeling away all the layers of myself, which I am still in the process of doing. It’s a painful realization to discover that you are the center of your own hurt and contribute to that daily.

But you’re also the center of your own salvation.

The glimpse of awakening

A spiritual awakening is different for everyone, but in general, it’s meant to wake you up from the toxic life you’re living. Your Soul is craving for truth, and you can’t keep running away from yourself any longer.

(Or, actually, you can, and many people do.)

All the external distractions, all the emotional triggers, all the anxiety and insecurities … you are causing them to yourself. You can’t change what happens to you, but you can change how it’s affecting you. However, you have to do the work. And this is not an easy process.

Many people get a glimpse of that awareness in their lives, but choose to turn their backs on it again. It’s much easier to crawl back into the cocoon of your comfort zone, whether that involves drinking, drugs, smoking, excessive sex/porn, toxic relationships, unhealthy eating habits, or anything that you know is actually bad for you.

But you’re more powerful than you think. You can walk away from all of that and listen to your Soul’s voice. It starts as a whisper, but eventually becomes the driving force in your life. And it guides you towards what’s truly right for you.

You are not who you used to be

The journey to reach that stage has many ups and downs,  with the biggest down being an existential crisis. This is the moment everything around you crumbles away, and you are left with just yourself and your lifetime of decisions. This is the ultimate test to see if you’re ready to transform.

This stage is already extremely hard as it is by itself, but it becomes even harder due to the external influences around you. Oftentimes, an inner transformation requires you to step away from toxic friendships and anybody else who doesn’t support your growth.

You start to realize that most people operate from their own hurt and are addicted to the same distractions as you once were. But you are not that person anymore.

So when they reach out to you and complain that “you aren’t who you used to be”, it feels like a dagger in your heart.

You are not who you used to be because that person wasn’t the real version of you. You are not who you used to be because you choose to live a healthy, sustainable life now. You are not who you used to be because you finally had the courage to step away from that version of yourself.

That should feel like an accomplishment, not like a dagger.

So why is it still so painful to hear those words?

No, I can’t just have fun again

During my lowest moments, I wish I never had to enter into this transformation bullshit. Why did I have to be the first one of my friends to go through that? Why did I have to be the first one to start questioning our alcohol and drug abuse? Why couldn’t I skip the night any longer and not think about tomorrow?

Why couldn’t I just have fun anymore?

What happened to the extroverted, social person I once was? Do you think it was nice for me to lose her? It was extremely confusing not to feel the desire to just have fun any longer. It was extremely painful to stay at home on Saturday nights, wishing I could be dancing the night away, but also knowing that wasn’t me anymore. It triggered my FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) incredibly.

Instead, I sat on my couch reading spiritual books and trying to understand the depths of my being. Instead, I woke up early to meditate, do yoga, and listen to the birds in my garden. Instead, I said no to alcohol and parties and focused on creating healthy habits.

Habits which, by the way, don’t come easy. It takes at least two months to change a habit, and then you still need to always be conscious about it. You still need to make the same decision over and over again to not step back into your comfort zone.

Transforming yourself is hard work.

Nobody understands you

But it was in those moments I felt most alive. It was in those moments that I could finally cry for myself — something I never allowed myself to do. It was in those moments that I felt One with everything and let Mother Nature flow through my veins.

I stripped myself of all my old beliefs and bad habits. I started to believe in my own healing. I dissected my insecurities and where they came from. I went back to my childhood and how it affected me. I finally understood my people-pleasing tendencies and why they have formed me into the person I am today.

I said goodbye to many friends, which caused me a few very lonely years. Meditation, yoga, journaling, and spirituality became my daily go-tos. It was the first time I finally felt at peace with who I was and didn’t try to change myself to be liked by others.

So when people told me to loosen up a little and just have fun again, I knew I had to stay true to myself. That doesn’t mean it’s nice to hear those things. I am fully aware that I should loosen up a little.

But I am also fully aware that everything comes at the right time. Maybe now is not the time for me to just have fun again. Maybe I have to think deeply right now. I probably should not loosen up a little at this moment.

Because maybe then I will lose myself again.

It doesn’t come easy

Nowadays, I often hear my friends say how disciplined I am in my practices. And that I am inspiring them to also step into their power. Those are the most beautiful things to tell somebody who is going through an inner transformation. Those words are so much more impactful than trying to look for the person who ‘still had fun’.

Because my version of fun is different right now.

My version of fun is having deep talks about the Universe and the mind and how we create our own reality. My version of fun is looking at the stars at night, wondering what on Earth we are really doing here and how we impact everything around us. My version of fun is truly connecting with others — not getting loose at parties and drinking the night away.

So, yes, I might be boring to most people, but I’d rather be boring than trying to fit myself into somebody I am not.

And I am here to tell you that you can do the same if you feel lost. You have the power to choose what’s right for you. If you are going through a dark period right now, know it’s difficult for a reason. The light doesn’t show up before going through the darkness.

But you have to go through it, not steer away from it. You have to actively keep changing your habits. You have to make decisions that are painful for you. And you have to make decisions that are painful for others.

Sometimes you have to let go of people in order to grow and let them grow. Just like you have to let go of the person you once were.

And then ‘just have fun again’ will suddenly have a whole different meaning.

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For years, I have been struggling with forming intimate relationships. It didn’t matter if it was deep friendships or romantic partners — something always prevented me from creating the same bonds I saw developing all around me.

It’s not that I didn’t want to have deep connections; I just couldn’t do it. My pattern was always to meet many ‘friends’ quickly, but as soon as they got to know the real me, they pulled away (or so I thought).

It made it very easy for me to live a nomadic lifestyle because I didn’t get attached to others and could move to another country in a heartbeat. I had no trouble saying goodbye to people, and would easily give up whole friendships without ever missing anyone.

Avoidant attachment style

I had no idea that my behavior was linked to an avoidant attachment style, which had formed in my childhood (like all attachment styles typically do). I thought people didn’t like the real me, so I always put up a persona to fit in.

This worked great for a few months, but people would eventually realize that I wasn’t myself, and they’d pull away from me. It left me in confusion because I’d see all around me that other friends were getting closer instead of more distant. And I had no idea what I was doing wrong. After all, I was trying to behave exactly like them.

I helped them wherever I could, always showed up for everybody, and was overly friendly. I didn’t have personal boundaries and did everything to make sure people would perceive me as likable.

Turned out that was exactly the problem — you can only pretend for so long to be somebody you’re not.

If you wonder what your attachment style is, this test is the best I’ve found so far.

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Fearful avoidant or dismissive avoidant?

There are two types of avoidant attachment: dismissive (the most common one) and fearful. People with a dismissive avoidant attachment style have a strong desire to be independent and feel like they can’t rely on other people. They feel uncomfortable when others get emotionally close, and they tend to push their partners away.

Somebody with fearful avoidant (also called disorganized) attachment has a mix of both anxious and avoidant at the same time, which creates a push/pull dynamic in relationships. They sometimes want closeness and validation, and the next moment, they push people away. Their relationships are very chaotic.

I personally used to oscillate between the two. If I really like somebody, I get more fearful-avoidant and desire a connection, but it also scares me. But when I am not that into someone, my typical behavior is dismissive avoidance.

Distant in relationships

When I got into my first serious relationship when I was 27 years old, my avoidant attachment style showed up in full force. I still had no idea what it was at the time and blamed a lot on my partner. I almost felt like he tricked me into being in a relationship with him, and now I had to deal with all these unwanted issues.

It must have been very hard for my ex to be with me. The more he tried to be close to me, the further I pushed him away. I was dreaming of being single again and glorified my life as a solo traveler.

The truth, however, was that I did want emotional intimacy more than ever. I was jealous of the people who seemed so natural in forming strong relationships. The more I couldn’t do it, the more I got convinced that something must be wrong with me.

Signs you have an avoidant attachment style

Having an avoidant attachment style is not easy for the people around you. Independence was my middle name, and I was wearing it proudly.

Avoidant attachment develops in children who do not experience sensitive responses from a parent or caregiver to their needs or distress. Children with avoidant attachment may become very independent, both physically and emotionally. — Medical News Today

But the more independent I became, the more distant my relationships turned out to be. Relationships form because you bond over vulnerability and by sharing your deepest emotions. If you can’t do that, people naturally pull away at some point.

So, how does it really feel to have an avoidant attachment style? You might recognize these signs:

1. You don’t feel attached to anybody

Many spiritual teachings say that attachment is the core of all suffering. But humans are social beings, and we naturally attach to others. There is a big difference between codependency and attachment, but to form a deep bond with somebody, there has to be some sort of attachment involved.

If you are somebody who easily lets go and doesn’t miss others often, this could be the first sign of an avoidant attachment style.

2. You are extremely independent

It’s great to be self-sufficient and not overly dependent, but there is also a thing called hyper-independence. You think you can do everything alone, and you never need help. You even prefer not to ever ask for help — you think you can do it yourself better anyway.

I personally hated asking others for help because I didn’t want to be a burden to anyone. I preferred to pay somebody to help me rather than ask for a favor. Extreme independence often goes hand in hand with avoidant attachment.

3. You feel trapped in relationships

Even though you probably want to be in a relationship, they also make you feel trapped. You suddenly feel like things are expected of you, and you don’t like it. You might see your partner as clingy or asking for too much.

Relationships for me felt like a cage. I was longing for my freedom and would find ways to exclude my partner from my life. I needed a lot of alone time and did not like it at all when my partner surprised me with a visit when I thought I was going to be alone.

I felt like I was slowly suffocating in the relationship and was trying to find a way out all the time. The only thing that kept me sane was the dream of being single again.

4. Showing emotions makes you feel uncomfortable

I hated showing my emotions. They made me extremely insecure, and I did not want anybody to ever see me cry. At some point, I had so many suppressed emotions that I couldn’t even cry at all anymore.

Other people’s emotions also made me feel uncomfortable, as I didn’t know how to act around them. I couldn’t even handle my own emotions — what was I supposed to do with those of others?

People with an avoidant attachment style often have a hard time showing their feelings. They learned at a young age that it didn’t feel safe to express themselves, so they turned away from them.

5. You find ways to dislike your partner

If you are avoidant, commitment makes you want to run away. Subconsciously, it’s so scary to commit because you are sure you will get hurt. So, you will find ways to dislike your partner to justify your reason for breaking up.

You suddenly get irritated by the little things they do and keep calling them out on them. You look for a sign to tell yourself they are not the right partner for you. Most likely, you actively start doing certain things more of which you know your partner doesn’t like.

And then blame it on them that they don’t fit with your lifestyle.

6. You avoid making future plans

Avoidants are afraid to commit. It doesn’t matter if this is a relationship, a permanent place to live, a job, or a plan for the future.

Planning is the hardest thing ever for me. How can I know what I am going to do in a month?! Maybe something else comes up, and then I can’t change it anymore… I avoid making future plans at all costs because I want to keep all my options open.

This is a classic sign of avoidant attachment style.

7. People keep pulling away from you

I was afraid that people would reject me when I was my authentic Self, so I always tried to fit in with everybody. Because of this, people mostly perceived me as friendly and approachable. I tried my best to be liked and hid parts of myself that I knew others wouldn’t appreciate.

But I wanted to be accepted so badly that this “friendliness” turned into people-pleasing. And the more I pleased, the more resentment I felt when people would still pull away.

So in return, I detached even more from them — proving to myself that indeed it’s better to only rely on myself.

8. You’re deeply insecure

I falsely linked my independence with being secure about myself, but I couldn’t be more wrong. I was so independent, especially because I was too insecure to show the real me.

It was all rooted in a lack of knowing who I was. I was so used to pretending to fit in that I lost the connection to myself. This disconnection from my Soul turned out to be the biggest reason for my avoidant attachment style.

I kept running away — not just from others, but from who I truly was.

9. You feel like you can’t really trust others

There used to be a deep fear in me that others couldn’t be trusted. I was afraid I had to end up doing things by myself anyway, and people wouldn’t show up for me.

Actually, I only trusted myself for a long time. I knew what I had to do in my life and didn’t want to rely on anybody else. At some point, I even developed a sort of paranoia. When people did something nice to me, I thought there had to be an external reason behind it that I had to eventually pay the price for.

Trust issues are another sign of an avoidant attachment style.

How I changed my avoidant attachment style

When I finally became aware of my repeating relationship issues, it still wasn’t easy to change them. To be honest, it also felt kind of safe to be this avoidant.

But I was longing for real human connection and deep friendships, so I had to do something. The one thing that worked the most for me was shadow work. I got to recognize and accept parts of myself that I had hidden for so long.

It was not an easy journey at all, and on top of that, it was paralleled by a spiritual awakening and an intense break-up. I sank so deep that I was literally stripped bare of everything I thought I was.

If you are ready to change your attachment style, I highly recommend starting with shadow work. I just published my own shadow work journal, especially for people with Anxious and Avoidant Attachment styles.

The benefit of changing your attachment style

My relationships now are so much more satisfying, and I am not afraid to express my different opinions toward others anymore. If they don’t like me for that reason, it’s probably better that we are not friends anyway.

It’s so liberating to not have to people-please anymore and stand my ground in the way I live my life, whether others approve of it or not. Of course, I am still sometimes triggered, but I now embrace it because triggers teach me a lesson about myself.

I recognize attachment issues in others as well now, and I can protect myself from them. Seeing my avoidant attachment slowly change into secure has brought me so many benefits, and it finally feels like I can be my authentic self.

And when you can be your true self around others, that’s when deep bonds and intimacy form sustainably.

It took me 37 years to move from a fearful-avoidant to a secure attachment style, and what helped the most was shadow work. This type of work exposes you to your own wounds, so you can heal them. It’s confronting but necessary — after all, if you don’t really know yourself, you can’t help yourself either.

That’s why I wrote a shadow work journal, especially for attachment styles. Click here to download a free sample!

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Rejection and abandonment are two of the most difficult things to deal with as a human being. The way we connect to others revolves completely around these topics and determines in which category of attachment style you fall.

When your parents/caretakers showed up for you and you felt safe to be who you are as a child, you most likely developed a secure attachment style. Around 50% of our population has a secure attachment style, which will make having relationships in adult life much easier.

But what about the other 50% that are not secure? They either fall into anxious attachment, avoidant, or fearful/disorganized. All these styles have something to do with hypersensitivity to rejection or abandonment.

Anxious attachers fear abandonment and the loss of their partner’s love. Avoidant attachers never get too close or “connect,” says Firestone; they refuse to rely on romantic partners and often see those partners as “needy” if they require too much intimacy.

Estimates suggest that 20% of the population has anxious attachment, 25% is avoidant, and that combinations such as secure-anxious or anxious-avoidant make up 3–5%.

If you wonder which category you fall under, this test can tell you more.

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Recognizing Your Attachment Style

I used to be fearful-avoidant, but coming out of an intense relationship five years ago and having worked through my childhood issues, I find myself moving more toward secure attachment.

It’s definitely not easy to change your attachment style, because you keep falling back into old patterns. Besides that, you will probably date people with their own non-secure attachment styles, which can trigger a lot in you as well.

Having worked through my own patterns makes me see a lot of attachment issues in my friends as well. It’s heartbreaking to see them fall into the same traps over and over again, and I often wish I could help them protect themselves.

The truth, however, is that everybody moves at their own pace, and they won’t be ready until they are ready.

Choosing Yourself When Being Rejected

The biggest lesson I learned was to choose myself when somebody rejects me. I know how incredibly hard this is if you love someone and keep hoping things change. You entered this relationship with a bright future in mind, ready to build something wonderful together.

Letting go of that illusion is a very big part of showing up for yourself. The harsh truth is that that person is not choosing you. It doesn’t matter what the reason for that is — they don’t want you. This has nothing to do with you not being good enough, and everything with the choice of that person.

So how did I learn to show up for myself when facing rejection? Here are some tips:

1. Accept it

The first step is acceptance. Your partner doesn’t want you. Let that sink in. Cry about it. Scream about it. Be angry about it. But in the end, accept it.

There can be a million reasons why they don’t want you. Maybe they are struggling with themselves. Maybe you two are not a good match. Maybe they fell for somebody else. Maybe they don’t want to be in a relationship right now.

Whatever it is, please remember that it’s not only on you. Two people make up a relationship, and in a healthy partnership, you will be accepted for who you are. If, for whatever reason, your partner does not want to be with you, accept it.

2. Regulate your body and emotions

Rejection and abandonment cause a great deal of emotions and stress in your body and mind. You might get panic attacks, or perhaps you can’t function because of the pain inside you. Maybe you can’t stop crying, or you get completely emotionally numb.

Many people fall back into toxic behavior during this part. They drink/take drugs, run away, have a lot of sex, distract themselves with work, or any other external thing you grab onto to not feel their intense emotions.

Unfortunately, this is only a band-aid and will not help you in the long run. Your body is dysregulated; it needs your attention. Look into meditation and yoga, and find videos on YouTube about releasing emotions somatically.

3. Sit with the pain

Many people will immediately look for another partner or keep trying to win over their ex after rejection. But the pain is there for a reason. It wants you to be there for it.

You can only heal when you accept that pain and sit with it. If pain is pushed into the dark shadows, it will cause more havoc. Bring it to the light and embrace it. You are hurt, and that’s okay.

Ups and downs are part of life, and being down is only a reminder that positive days will come too.

4. Take distance

I totally get that you want to stay friends with your ex. You’ve seen the wonderful side of this person, and you’ve been through a lot together. You grasp onto the good memories and nice moments you had with them.

But your body and mind are hurting right now. They will keep hurting if you keep seeing that person. Every time you will be reminded of what you’re missing and will want that back.

There is no such thing as being friends with your ex right after a painful breakup. You got rejected — it’s time to take some distance from them and let them figure their own shit out.

Maybe you can be friends when you are truly over them, but in the beginning, it’s best to take space.

5. Get to know yourself

The good thing about taking distance is that you can focus on getting to know yourself. Why did this happen? Why did you fall for somebody who is not choosing you (and didn’t leave)? Who is the person really you got so attached to?

An ex can reveal a lot about your own shadows. I believe that every person is a mirror for you — what lessons did they bring you? Where do you need to work on yourself?

Why couldn’t you choose yourself when they clearly stated they didn’t want you? What part of you wished things were different, and why? What is your inner being trying to tell you?

Be open to the lessons coming from this experience, and go deep into your psyche to heal yourself.

6. Go back to your childhood

Your attachment style most likely comes from your childhood. You learn to form bonds (whether healthy or unhealthy) during these early years. If your parents didn’t love you unconditionally, or you often didn’t feel safe to express who you are,  this is where you have to go back to in order to change it.

Buying a shadow work journal helped me incredibly during this stage. It revealed so much about me and my family that I had no idea about. This can be a very challenging time because it will reveal a lot of pain.

A whole world will open up for you about why you became who you are and why you formed this attachment style. All your relational problems suddenly make sense, and this hurts.

It hurts like hell, and all you can do is sit with yourself and your inner child. This is another reason why you need to be alone — this is a time for introspection, not distraction.

7. Let go of the past

If you have gone back to your past, at some point, it’s also time to let it go. Your parents did the best they could in their own ways, and probably have their own attachment styles as well.

If you’ve done inner child work, you learned to embrace the hurt part of you, and you can move forward with healthy behavior. Any challenging part of your life (this doesn’t necessarily need to be your early childhood) comes to teach you something, and only once you learn the lessons can you let go.

But those lessons will keep coming back as long as you don’t learn from them. If you’ve done the inner work well, you can really let go of the past.

8. Have gratitude

Gratitude is one of the best healing tools out there. Be grateful for all the experiences in your life that made you into the person you are today. Without those challenges, you wouldn’t have gotten to know yourself on such a deep level.

And when you know yourself and are connected to your authentic Soul, you stop going back to toxic patterns. Whether that is being a people-pleaser or a loner/runner, or any other destructive behavior.

You accept yourself fully for who you are and stay away from people who don’t accept that version of you. You learn to completely trust your intuition, and that is the biggest gift of being human.

9. Practice self-love

Finally, practice self-love. It’s very likely you will sometimes go back to old behavior or fall for the wrong person again. Trust yourself when something does not feel right, and let go before going too deep.

When somebody triggers you, take a step back and ask yourself where it comes from. Is your body giving you signals that you are ignoring again?

Listen to yourself and love that part. What is the trigger trying to teach you about yourself? Triggers always show up because you need to learn something, not because the other person is doing something wrong.

Sometimes triggers are really just memories of the past, but sometimes they are messages. Learn to recognize the difference, and choose for yourself when in doubt.

Because only when we can truly love ourselves can we wholeheartedly love another.

Changing Your Attachment Style

If you constantly fall back into similar types of relationships and can’t figure out what you are doing wrong,  your attachment style can reveal a lot.

But the good news is that we can change it. I went from being a notorious avoidant to fearful/disorganized and am now on my way to secure.

When I was avoidant, and somebody came emotionally close, my first response was to shut down and be hyper-independent. I kept finding reasons for not having to commit. This had nothing to do with the partner and everything with myself.

As soon as I moved towards fearful/avoidant, I wanted emotional closeness so badly, but it also triggered me a lot. I got anxious when partners pulled away and I tried to change for them. Again, this has nothing to do with the partner and is all on me.

So please, when your partner rejects or abandons you, remember that it’s not (only) you. It’s how you show up for yourself, whether you allow yourself to get hurt again.

Walk away and surrender to the plan of the Universe. Somebody who is all-in with you might be waiting around the corner.

It took me 37 years to move from fearful-avoidant to secure, and what helped the most was shadow work. This type of work exposes you to your own wounds, so you can heal them. It’s confronting but necessary — after all, if you don’t really know yourself, you can’t help yourself either.

That’s why I wrote a shadow work journal, especially for attachment styles. Available on Amazon or Etsy.

Wanna try it out first? Click here to download a free sample!