Why do we feel so much pressure to find a partner, especially as a woman? We think we’ve failed if we have not settled down by our mid-thirties, are not raising a family, or have not been asked to marry at least once in our lives. We get asked questions about why we are still single at 40 years old. Or why we haven’t found a new partner yet years after a breakup or divorce.

Being alone as a woman often gets frowned upon. Especially in male-dominated cultures where women heavily rely on men. Women are told they are weak and vulnerable and need the protection of males.

But throughout all of history, women have broken free from the shackles of that type of society. Countless men have tried to suppress feminine power in various ways, but women have always come out stronger.

“The great problem of our time is that we do not understand what is happening to the world. We seek reason, but we must seek the soul — and the soul is feminine.” — Carl Jung

The witches were burnt because men couldn’t handle their wisdom. Female bodies in the Middle East are being covered in burqas, mainly to not provoke men. All over the world, women have been, and continue to be, seen as less.

But the Wise Woman archetype has never been defeated. So why is it still so hard (and in some places even dangerous) to be alone as a woman?

The power of solitude

According to Jung, the path to Individuation (the full embodiment of the Self) includes a period of solitude. In this time, we can do deep inner work, come back fully to ourselves and to our essence.

It’s where we meet our shadows and learn about who we are, without relying on somebody else. This period is not easy. After all, we are so wired for connection that we will always long for that.

But when we fully embrace that aloneness, a magnetic force greater than anything arises.

I am not talking about the moments you are waiting for the next partner, and you feel lonely. I mean that deliberate decision to take time off from dating, from sex, and from being in a relationship.

The gift of being solitary

When you are forced into solitude because your partner breaks up with you or because you can’t seem to find love, know that this is the first step to a profound inner power. Here you will find the time to break away from societal norms and delve deep into your own psyche.

Being solitary is the gift of purification to release old patterns. It’s a moment to discover your creativity, wisdom, and intuition.

For me, this period came after a tough breakup with one of my soulmates. I had never loved someone so deeply, and never felt a pain so profound when it was over. Especially because he was the ultimate mirror.

I knew I had to go deep inside myself this time, and not take the easy way out and immediately find someone new.

Two years of solitude

It was the first time in my life that I had no interest whatsoever in any other man. I am usually a person who likes male attention, but this time I was repelling it.

No man dared to come close to me, and even if they tried, I was genuinely not interested. I was on such a profound inner journey that I needed all that time for myself.

I started doing shadow work and discovered parts of myself that I had repressed for a very long time. I held my inner child and saw clearly where that deep desire for (external) validation came from.

Nature was my biggest friend in that period. Whenever I felt like I couldn’t handle it anymore, I would take my mountain bike and find a place to meditate in nature. Mother Earth never let me down.

My solitude from men lasted for a good two years.

The turn-around

And then, something interesting started happening. Many people sense a rare magnetism around women who walk alone. I wasn’t doing anything in particular, but men were drawn to me out of nowhere.

There is something curious about magnetism: it comes when your frequency starts aligning with who you truly are, not when you seek external validation.

After all, everything is energy, and energy has its own invisible rules. When my frequency changed to no longer needing anyone to be happy, I started pulling men in who subconsciously felt that.

This is the paradox: when a woman no longer needs connection, she becomes more magnetic.

Projection vs. attraction

Jung says this: projection pulls us towards people (especially when we need to learn lessons), but individuation refines who we attract. We no longer send out the signal of codependency, where we rely on somebody else to feel fulfilled.

Instead, healthy independence creates a field for deeper connection. A solitary woman will draw partners in who match her depth because she has already faced her shadow.

Anybody else who is looking for external validation will naturally be repelled by her. And others feel that. Those types of women carry a magnetic auric field around them, and people will be drawn to that.

When soulmates show up

Without inner work, love quickly becomes toxic and chaotic. After all, we often project onto our partners what we fail to see in ourselves. But when you have a period of solitude, you have no one to project onto but yourself.

You will start seeing that everybody is a reflection of you, and that every trigger carries a deep lesson. And once you have mastered that, relationships become something else.

You start drawing people in from resonance, and not from a place of fear or lack. And this is an incredible power to have.

That is the moment soulmates show up. They are literally being drawn into your field. Wherever you are on your inner journey, they will reflect that back at you (and those can be tough lessons as well!).

You cannot fake magnetism

There is no shortcut to achieving this type of magnetism. Women who have walked alone embody a deep clarity, depth, and mystery. And this mystery cannot be faked. It comes from inner alignment, and you can only achieve that when you have done the work.

People often confuse magnetism with manipulation, but true magnetism is far from manipulation. A magnetic woman embodies authenticity and presence, and a manipulative woman merely tries to always get what she wants.

A manipulative woman cannot be alone; after all, she needs constant external validation. And solitude does the opposite: it strips you of all illusions and awakens inner authority.

Are you alone right now?

Aloneness is very different from loneliness. Feeling lonely is a horrible feeling, and I have been there many times as well. But being alone by choice is completely different.

If you are alone right now, take this time as your initiation into yourself. Meet your inner child, your shadows, and your true femininity. It’s not a punishment; it’s the start of your journey back to yourself. And this journey is so sacred.

Connect with nature — Mother Earth will never let you be lonely. There is so much wisdom and growth in solitude; surrender to it, and stop looking for a partner for a while.

When does a soulmate come?

Your soulmate will be attracted to you when the time is right. They are probably also doing their own solitary journey right now to prepare for you.

I know how hard it is to wait for that moment. I had been waiting for six years, always hoping the next guy might finally be it. But now, looking back on it, I was never ready.

I met men who were mirrors to my own behavior and who brought new lessons every time. And once you see that, the power is unreal.

Real connections

Now that I know who I truly am, I don’t settle for less any longer. My solitude has taught me that I don’t need anyone to be happy. I need my own integrity and authenticity.

The truth is, the more whole we become within ourselves, the more profound our connections with others will be. Solitude makes us tap into those powerful connections because we recognize them in others as well.

You will realize that we are all connected, no matter if it’s physically or spiritually. You stop searching outside and will find within what you’ve always been looking for.

When the wise woman awakens within you, the need for approval dissolves, and in its place rises a deep knowing: you are already the one you were waiting for.

And exactly when we stop searching and waiting is when the right person will show up.

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I used to be the biggest supporter of coincidence. You wouldn’t have been able to convince me that some things in life are pre-planned. I laughed at people who thought we had soulmates and that everything happens for a reason.

But this mindset got extremely challenged when I entered a spiritual awakening six years ago. I, the down-to-earth backpacker from the most down-to-earth country in the world (the Netherlands), got pushed into this spiritual bullshit.

Not because I was looking for it, but because that was destined for me.

Rejecting the process

In the beginning, I didn’t want to have anything to do with spiritual stuff. When I lived in Australia when I was 22 years old, my shared house was full of people who were doing woo-woo shit, and I could only laugh at them.

What were these people thinking?!

But a part of me also got intrigued. Was there something I didn’t see? Did they have access to knowledge unavailable to me? Why were they so connected? How come they could talk about all these things I had no idea about?

Now, more than 15 years after that time in Australia, I am also one of them. And I finally understand it.

Nothing happens by coincidence

Before I got into a spiritual awakening, I was mostly angry. At society, at my job, at my social life, at my inability to find a partner, at my family. I felt like nobody really understood who I really was, including myself.

Then, I met somebody who can only be described as a soulmate. He completely turned my life upside down. Not because of him, but because of the unexplainable things surrounding our relationship.

I had never felt so connected to anyone. It was like his emotions became part of me, and I couldn’t control how I felt anymore.

We had an energetic connection that is still very hard to explain.

The breakup was my catalyst

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If you’re going through a spiritual awakening, your world has been turned upside down. Suddenly, nothing makes sense anymore. Nobody seems to get what you’re going through, not even yourself.

You experience moments of complete bliss and peace, and you realize that is what you have been missing your whole life. But you also experience stages of anger, grief, and despair. Everything in your life that made you you doesn’t apply anymore.

You probably went through a big life transition:  a break-up, a midlife crisis, the loss of a loved one, the birth of a child, etc. Or maybe you had a spontaneous awakening, which can overwhelm you even more. Whatever caused your sudden wake-up from our performance-driven society, nothing in your life is what it seems anymore.

There are some common stages of a spiritual awakening that many people seem to go through. It manifests differently for everybody, but generally, we all reach the ‘surrender’ stage at some point.

But what happens after that?

Arriving at the final stage?

I thought I had passed all the stages the moment I felt a calm inner peace that just generally stuck with me. It felt like the Universe had my back, and I learned to appreciate everything that came to me and was going to come, whether good or bad.

I sensed that everything happened for a reason, and I just had to learn the lesson in it. It had taken me more than five years to reach that point, and I had done a lot of inner work during those years.

I was faced with many deep-rooted fears and shadows about myself and my childhood that spiraled me into a Dark Night of the Soul. This is the moment that you lose complete sense of who you are (or were), and you have to start from zero again. Everything you thought applied to you suddenly becomes an illusion.

When you get out of the Dark Night, your eyes literally open to a new world. You start to see beauty all around you, get connected much more to Mother Earth and your Higher Self, and you’re actively breaking your conditioned patterns.

For me, this stage was wonderful. I finally felt better after the dark moments I had before, and I was very focused on learning everything about this whole spiritual awakening thing.

The Void Stage of a Spiritual Awakening

Since I felt that I was approaching the peaceful stages, I felt really good about myself. I totally understood what people meant by reaching inner peace. It felt exactly like that.

So it struck me as a complete surprise that after a few months of that blissful stage, I got catapulted back into the darkness. It was different than the Dark Night, though. It was just emptiness.

I didn’t feel bad or depressed. I didn’t cry for hours on end, and I didn’t feel anger. I just felt… nothing.

It was very confusing. Where did that blissful feeling suddenly go? I didn’t feel called to do more inner work, and I didn’t want to meditate or take plant medicine anymore. I had no motivation to do anything whatsoever.

However, I did realize something was missing. I just couldn’t put my finger on it.

Procrastinating and lack of motivation

After coming out of the Dark Night of the Soul, I had a lot of motivation to get to know myself. Even though I still procrastinated at work (something I have been doing all my life), I did have the drive to do other things. Especially teachings that brought me more understanding of who I was.

But during the Void Stage, I felt overwhelmed by all the things that I still don’t know. There were so many lessons and so many more spiritual tools to use; when was I ever going to be done?

It completely brought me into a freeze state. I literally could not make myself do anything. I knew I had to make money — my bank account was lowering every day. But I just could not rack up the energy to do it.

My own business was another stressor. I realized I had to put more energy into it to make it thrive, yet I could not make myself spend time on it. The prospect of making it bigger than myself scared the shit out of me. What if it suddenly becomes successful and I have to put all my time into it?

The Universe is preparing you

But now I know exactly why I was in the Void Stage for so long. The Universe was preparing me to be of service.

To be of service? What does that even mean?

A spiritual awakening doesn’t happen just for you. It happens for everyone else as well. You get into a spiritual awakening because something bigger is planned for you. Up till now, you may have lived your life away from your purpose.

And that is exactly why you are getting into the Void Stage. You have passed most of the stages of a spiritual awakening, but you know there is more. The Void Stage is there to make you so annoyed with yourself and your inability to do something useful that at some point you will burst from frustration.

And that is the moment you can actively change your habits. Nobody else is going to do it for you. You feel this way about yourself because you have skills and talents that can help others,  yet you probably don’t do anything with them.

Your purpose is waiting for you

I am not saying you should be a people pleaser and always be there for everyone when they want you to. Actually, it is the opposite. It’s time to choose yourself. You have to figure out your skills and your talents, and how they can help others (or our Earth).

It’s nice to be liked by everyone, but it’s not what you came here to do. Only your authentic Self can really be of service. You choose your own path, and you decide who you want to be in this life.

If you’re in the Void stage, don’t underestimate this part. After all, if you had really reached the final stage of a spiritual awakening, you wouldn’t feel this empty. You would feel good about yourself, because you’re doing what you need to do.

Your purpose can only be something that is in service to others. It doesn’t matter if it’s people, nature, or animals,  but  it’s always something that is bigger than you.

How to get out of the Void Stage?

Your purpose should scare you, and it should make you feel uncomfortable. Only in those moments can we grow. Staying in your little bubble of comfort is easy, but it will not get you out of the Void Stage.

Try to figure out your Magnum Opus. Accept that you are in this stage for a reason, and it’s slowing you down to collect the energy to do something big.

Enjoy the Void stage right now because before you know it, you will long for these moments of emptiness again. Your life will be overflowing with all the purposeful work you will have to commit to (and you will love it!).

You will know when you’re ready. You will know when it’s time to get up. In the meantime, embrace everything that life throws your way, even if that’s feeling a void right now.

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Avoidant people seem to be highly independent. They don’t need anyone else to be successful in life (at least, they think). So when a person enters their life who requires constant reassurance, this most likely annoys the avoidant at some point.

As a former fearful-avoidant myself, I hate it when people rely on me to feel good about themselves. I want you to feel good without me as well.

I am very autonomous, and like that part of myself, so I would want the same for my partner. So when they require my constant approval or attention, I often get annoyed.

The mirror of connection

It’s funny that many avoidants attract anxious people, especially for that reason. Why do we magnetically connect to our opposites that ultimately annoy us all the time?

It’s because every relationship serves as a mirror.

We attract others to learn lessons about ourselves. The lesson an avoidant-anxious couple teaches each other is very necessary. After all, the anxious person needs to learn to be more autonomous and self-reliant. And the avoidant needs to learn that emotional connection isn’t scary and that it’s okay to depend on others sometimes.

Two avoidants together will not invoke the same lessons. They most likely end the connection when intimacy comes too close, and there is no one to hold it together. Two anxious people together won’t work either, because there is so much dependence on each other that it becomes toxic fast.

Why does annoyance happen?

Annoyance from an avoidant is not random. It is a signal of an energetic mismatch between your frequency and their nervous system’s needs.

The avoidant nervous system feels good when they have space. They learned as a kid that it is not safe to rely on people close to them, so their body found a way to regulate alone.

When an anxious partner comes close and triggers their intimacy wounds, their default is to retreat from it all altogether. The constant need for reassurance activates their core trauma of losing autonomy.

The frequency of an anxious person signals they need the avoidant. The avoidant reacts to this by pushing away — we don’t want to be needed; we want to be loved.

Signs the avoidant is getting annoyed with you

You probably start sensing the avoidant’s annoyance at some point. I have also been in relationships with avoidants, and to me, it’s very clear when this plays up. And I walk away from that almost instantly.

I also recognize it in myself when this happens, and all I can do is honor it. Staying with an avoidant who is annoyed with you is not going to serve either of you.

Here are some signs and reasons why their annoyance kicks in:

1. Energetic withdrawal

You feel a sudden drop in warmth or engagement. They might reply with short messages or not follow up on your questions. The more you try to engage, the more they pull away.

This is because their aura retracts to conserve energy. You, trying to get close to them, signal to their system that you want something from them. And they can’t give that to you, so they seek space.

Even scientifically, this is measured as a drop in oxytocin during interaction. Their body literally warns them about you.

2. Subtle irritation in body language

They might start sighing when you speak, turn their body away from you, or get irritated when they reply. Maybe they ridicule you or use an overload of sarcasm in their responses.

When you try to get physically close, they literally freeze or walk away from you. This is due to an overload in their nervous system, saying “too much incoming energy!” All they want is not to engage with you to start feeling better.

They are most likely not aware of this, and due to severe inner frustration, their body seeks space to reduce intrusion from you.

3. Increased need for alone time

You start noticing that they decline invitations more often. They might skip social gatherings where you used to see each other. They don’t reach out to make plans with you, either.

Suddenly, they have a lot of work to do or need to rest. This is not because they don’t like you; it’s because, energetically, they are drained from the need for connection from you.

Alone time helps avoidants to regulate cortisol and restore a sense of autonomy. After all, that’s what they learned as a kid, so that’s what they trust in.

4. Defensiveness over small things

When an avoidant’s wound is triggered, they overreact to everything you ask for. You sense that no matter what you say, it lands wrong. It’s almost like they are searching for an excuse to be angry with you.

And in a way, they are. Their nervous system is in hypervigilance mode. Everything inside of them screams they need space.

They feel trapped in every sense, which amplifies their irritations. When you keep engaging, it will just get worse and worse.

5. Emotional flattening

Blunting of emotions is a common general stress response. The prefrontal cortex disengages to conserve energy. This is a survival mechanism kicking in. They are so incredibly uncomfortable that they show no emotions at all anymore at some point.

They put up their walls, and it’s impossible to penetrate them. You feel like there is a different person in front of you and wonder what you did wrong. But the more you try to soothe them, the worse it gets.

They require emotional distance from you, and the only way to do that is to flatten their own emotions in the hope you will stop interacting.

What to do when you sense annoyance

The avoidant doesn’t get annoyed with you because they dislike you. They get annoyed because their nervous system is overwhelmed. The only thing you can do for them is to give them space (without getting resentful).

Don’t ask them to text you or regularly check in with you. The space they require also means space from texting. I know this is hard when you really like someone, but the only way for an avoidant to regulate is to be alone.

They will come back if they are ready. In the meantime, focus on your own joy and give them short answers when they reach out. This signals that you won’t need much of them immediately when they return.

Don’t get angry in the silence; see it as a neutral zone where both of your energies can reset. If you are anxious, you need to learn to be happy alone. This is your moment to practice that.

It will always be an energetic mismatch if you don’t evolve from your part. The Universe will keep you apart if both partners don’t learn their lessons.

Is there a purpose in the avoidant’s behavior?

To be fair, I think it’s very hard to make an anxious-avoidant couple succeed. After all, they attracted each other to learn lessons, probably not to stay together forever.

An aware avoidant heals better in a secure relationship, and so does the anxious one. With a secure partner, the avoidant gets space and time to work on themselves slowly, whereas an anxious person probably demands too much attention from them all the time.

The goal is to heal both attachment styles in those types of couples. The avoidant’s purpose on Earth is to dissolve their hard boundaries while keeping their autonomy, and that of the anxious is to cultivate self-sourced security.

Avoidants came here to learn self-trust, and you may be unconsciously interrupting that process. If their body is in constant annoyance with you around, they need to honor that and trust their rejection for you.

In that case, you will have to let them go on their way and learn your own lessons.

Does the ‘One’ cause annoyance?

I’ve written in my previous articles that I believe the avoidant needs to find the right person. When they do, their avoidant tendencies are less activated, and they actively want to work on themselves.

In my personal experience, when I met the right person (at that time), I had almost no annoyances with him. It surprised me, because all I had ever known in other relationships was to get irritated at some point.

In fact, I became more anxious in that relationship. I got afraid of losing him or was hyper-aware that he might get annoyed with me.

We triggered each other for sure, but this was different from annoyance. I think the Universe made us meet to overcome those deep wounds and learn to be our own best selves, regardless of the other person.

Avoidants are catalysts for growth

Avoidants trigger others to find emotional security within themselves, rather than searching for external validation. That is probably why you attracted them. You need to learn your own lessons.

The avoidant’s annoyance is not a personal rejection, but a call to recalibrate.

Their pulling away pushes partners to self-regulate, mature emotionally, and develop their own resources. Avoidants are not bad people; they just need to learn how to receive grounded love. And only a healthy partner can give them that type of love.

The lesson for the avoidant is that safety can exist in connection, and that intimacy does not mean losing oneself.

The lesson for their partners is to become emotionally stable within, so that the relationship becomes a choice and not a need.

That is the true love both partners are looking for.

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My Anxious & Avoidant Shadow Work Journal is a great first step to becoming aware of your own attachment issues, so you can start healing.

It is available as a digital download or as a print journal, in case you are interested in learning about yourself through shadow work, which was the only thing that actually worked for me

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You do not have to do everything alone on this Earth, even if it sometimes feels like that. There is always a greater force guiding you somehow. I never believed in this until I sank to the bottom of my heart, literally lying flat on my kitchen floor because I felt so broken.

It happened after a tough break-up that exposed all my childhood wounds. I had deeply fallen in love with someone representing my core issues, and the knowledge of that had shattered me.

How could I have experienced such a deep connection with someone who ultimately broke me? It turned out, though, that he didn’t break me at all.

He brought me back to myself.

The Universe doesn’t play games

Sometimes in your life, you meet people who change everything. But not before you are ready. Your Soul has to reach a certain maturity to deal with it. Because those people are no easy feat.

They mirror you completely. They expose all your wounds. They break you down, so you have no other choice but to go inwards.

That happened to me on that kitchen floor. I felt like I had lost everything I thought I was. I didn’t enjoy traveling anymore, plus I had stopped drinking and partying, and I was surrounded by the wrong friends.

Losing that person was the ultimate act that tipped my bucket.

Are you ready to face your shadows?

But right there on that floor, something curious happened. I felt like I had lost my identity and didn’t know where to go or what to do. But the Universe then whispered: “Now you can build yourself up again”.

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It used to be quite hard for me to let things go. I always wanted to manage what was happening in my life and control how I could get a different outcome if I didn’t like it. And if things didn’t go as planned, I was often looking for something else to blame it on.

I couldn’t accept situations as they were and got frustrated when things didn’t go my way. Now I know that this was because I needed that external control as an attempt to gain control over my mind.

My mind was always on, always looking for the next stimulation. But what I really needed was trust.

Chaotic childhood

I grew up in a challenging household, with a parent who had their own control issues. I promised myself as a kid that I would never let anybody rule my life when I grew up, and I vowed I would do things my way as soon as I could move out.

It was funny that I pictured myself as a liberated backpacker roaming the world freely, but deep inside, I couldn’t truly let go. I searched for experiences that would challenge me, because it gave me a purpose that I could “conquer” those.

Travel taught me that life is just some fleeting moments all patched together, and you can’t really plan for anything. I used to love that part of always being on the move; you never knew what was gonna happen next.

Inner frustration

But when bad things happened, I wasn’t able to embrace those also. For example, one time in Vietnam, two guys on a motorbike passing by stole my bag, and I lost everything inside.

I got desperate, trying to run after them, but obviously, they were much faster than I was. The next few days, I went to the police station all the time, asking them to help me find my bag, which was a hopeless situation.

For the rest of the trip, I stayed frustrated and angry with the Vietnamese people that they “did this to me”. I distrusted every person on the street and told everybody that the Vietnamese are not welcoming.

Spiritual awakening

I have countless other examples, but it comes down to the fact that I was living a very free life, but my mind wasn’t very free. Until I arrived in Mexico and met somebody who shook my world apart.

Nothing about that situation was controllable, and after we broke up, I had lost all sense of who I was. There literally was nothing left to control anymore.

And what happened next was the most transformative period of my life. I gave up on trying to change things. I got into a spiritual awakening and felt more connected to something bigger than ever before.

So, I surrendered myself completely to the Universe.

The Universe has your back

I was so lost that there was nothing else to hold on to anymore. But what followed were little moments of absolute Oneness. I was so in awe of nature and how everything is connected, despite being so immersed in my sadness at the same time.

I forgot who I was completely sometimes. There was no “I” anymore.

And even though those moments lasted only seconds in the beginning, they gave me a sense of trust. I realized that everything happens for a reason.

No matter how deep you sink, the Universe is there to guide you. And it will make it better for you if you allow it.

The mindset shift that changes everything

I promised myself that if I got out of that dark depression, I would keep trusting. I would never forget that the hardest things make us grow the most.

And that mindset shift has been my savior. If you believe that everything happens to make you grow, your life will be 100 times easier.

You don’t get into challenging situations to be punished; you get into them to learn to trust. Trust that there is a higher reason behind it.

It’s how every religion in the world works. There is something bigger than you guiding you. You are not alone on this planet.

Some more examples

After I cemented that belief in my brain, I still got into hard situations. Life doesn’t suddenly stop challenging you just because you believe.

But what does stop is the victim mentality.

When I got kidnapped and scammed for 2,000 USD in the Dominican Republic, I refused to let it ruin my vacation. I trusted that the money would end up correctly, either with somebody who needed it more than me, or back to me somehow.
- It got back in my bank account four months later.

When my motorhome/tinyhouse, which I rebuilt myself, was robbed in Mexico, I was shocked and hurt. But I trusted that there was a higher plan behind it.
- It gave me the final push to move out of a toxic environment, and now I am living my dream life in Spain.

When I tore two nerves in my shoulder and couldn’t lift my arm for months on end, I trusted that my body was asking for rest for a reason.
- I discovered the root of my other health problems and was able to reverse the damage and become much healthier in general.

Your thoughts are extremely powerful

If there is anything I have learned in my life, it’s that your thoughts shape your reality. If you believe bad things are going to happen, they will. If you believe you are a victim, you will be.

And if you believe good things will happen, you will attract those. It doesn’t mean that bad stuff doesn’t enter anymore; it just means you can divert your thoughts into trusting that everything has a higher purpose.

This has nothing to do with toxic positivity and everything to do with the willingness to learn. Of course, you can be sad and frustrated about certain situations, but if you trust the outcome, your life will always change for the better.

How to use this mindset?

When you find yourself in a challenging situation, pause and take a step back. Sit with the pain and the frustration, but don’t dwell on it. Think of the best possible outcome after that situation has passed.

For example, if your heart gets broken, tend to the pain, but don’t try to reverse the situation. It is there for a reason. Believe that whatever comes next is exactly what you need.

Or if you get fired and are angry about why this had to happen to you, instead, be happy that you get to have new opportunities. Maybe you would have never gotten out of that job otherwise.

If you learn to shift your mindset into acceptance, every single thing will become easier.

You will become a much better version of yourself

The side effect of this mindset shift is that you will become the best version of yourself, simply because you trust life. You trust that there is indeed something bigger guiding you.

Because what you believe becomes truth. I am not just saying this because it works for me. There are many studies about this same thing that all come to one conclusion:

Our thoughts shape our reality.

Believe this for yourself and start seeing the results. I promise you that life will become 100 times easier.

If you’re craving a deeper connection with yourself and feel ready to take your power back, I highly recommend this course. If you’re ready for a reset, this might be just what you need.

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It’s probably one of the most painful things to go through when it comes to romantic relationships: you finally meet your person, and everything clicks… but the timing just does not align. You feel a great connection with them, but life pulls you in opposite directions.

This can happen because you live in different countries, or because they are already taken, or they have other obligations right now. Or maybe they are on a different or difficult mental journey at the moment.

The trap of potential

It’s a trap many of us fall into: we see the potential of the person, but not the version they are right now.

If only they would move places, divorce, choose us fully, or accelerate their inner journey to catch up with us… Everything would be perfect.

But that’s a future scenario that might never arrive. And it’s incredibly painful to face that truth.

However, it’s no mistake that you met them, as every deep connection carries a lesson. The Universe didn’t make an error by matching you; it’s all meant to elevate you.

Special connections

I have met three men in my life who sparked a connection beyond what I could fully understand.

The first one came when I was 20 years old, freshly ready to start my University program. What followed was a year of push-pull (I know now that he was avoidant attached, and I was anxious), and we never figured it out together.

He became my first real heartbreak.

This relationship introduced me to the idea of soulmates. There was just something between us that I couldn’t comprehend. I kept searching for that same feeling for the next 12 years that followed.

Friends around me told me I should stop looking for that; after all, it was mostly a fairy tale in my head. But something inside of me knew: the right person does exist.

What makes somebody the right person?

I dated some other men during that period and finally settled with a guy who was never right for me. I became extremely avoidant in that relationship, even though I had no idea about attachment styles back then.

Without going into much detail about it, my soul was rejecting him by becoming avoidant, simply because we were not right for each other.

Then, three years after that relationship ended, I met somebody who was the right person. It was an incredibly challenging period, and our relationship did not last, but the connection was exactly what I had been looking for (and what I needed) all those years.

I knew it existed, and I knew I would find him at some point. I do believe in soulmates, but I also believe they come and go into our lives. Some are teachers, and some are keepers, but the connection is what counts.

What is this connection?

When we are born, we are a whole human being, full of wonder for the world. But our upbringing and society slowly start mending us. We become vulnerable, get hurt, get sick, lose ourselves, and get into survival mode.

This causes us to cut the connection with our inner Soul. But that soul is looking for wholeness all the time, and sometimes it finds it in another person.

The lost part of yourself gets reflected in that person, and you feel ‘home’. There is an incredible magnetic pull between two people like that, and it feels like you can’t escape it.

Carl Jung calls this type of magnetism the resonance through shared archetypes (your inner unintegrated parts). Both of you have had similar journeys and are now finding that familiar frequency in each other. It’s a projection of the lost inner masculine or feminine, the animus or anima.

When it is the wrong timing

Some people only arrive for a short time, so we don’t forget who we really are. They are transits on our journeys towards Individuation (a Jungian term). They push you forward with a punch, so you can do it yourself afterwards.

Sometimes we haven’t integrated our shadows yet, or they haven’t. The relationship then becomes based on fear and past wounds. The goal is to integrate yourself first. And when there is a mismatch in that inner growth, the timing becomes wrong.

Or sometimes external influences are just too hard to make the connection work right now. Those influences mirror unprocessed inner wounds and are something the individual needs to work on first before moving forward.

Each soul has to complete their own lessons before true alignment can arrive. And this is very painful to break free from.

Why the connection still happens

It might look like a cruel joke from the Universe: you finally meet your soulmate, and then you will have to let them go.

But it’s no mistake that you met them; they came to initiate something important in you. Maybe they reminded you of what true love feels like and gave you the power to move away from relationships that don’t align.

Or maybe they started your spiritual awakening process, which is a powerful transformational period meant to elevate your consciousness.

Perhaps they came to remind you of your worth and what you don’t want. Not all soul connections are a romantic love story, but rather a nudge towards what you do deserve.

The shadow side of soul connections

An interesting pattern that I noticed in my own soul connections is that there is always a shadow side that needs to be brought to the light. Whether it is abandonment or rejection wounds, or your own toxic behaviour, something needs to be addressed.

The soul chooses exactly the right person for you to expose that shadow. It’s a harsh wake-up call that no one is coming to save you but yourself. And you cannot save anyone but yourself, either.

Sometimes the break-up is what activates that initiation. And then it can feel like the right person, but the wrong timing. So yes, it was the right person, but also the one meant to break you.

Is reconnection possible?

Can the timing become right at some point? I think so. This can happen when both souls move towards self-responsibility and inner wholeness. They stop projecting onto each other and have better emotional regulation.

The Universe will send you signs when you’re supposed to be with someone, and also when you don’t.

The most important marker of a possible reconnection is organic flow instead of a forced and triggering relationship.

Often, the reconnection comes after an inner journey that you have already been through. That’s why the right person and the wrong timing is so painful: deep in your heart, you know you are not aligned (yet).

What to do in the meantime?

A lot of people get stuck after experiencing such a strong connection. They don’t understand why it failed and have a hard time letting go. It cost me seven (!) years to fully get over that first soul connection, despite us only being (somewhat) together for one year.

But after the second soulmate break-up, I discovered shadow work. This was such an eye-opener to my own projections and why things happened the way they did.

I became a fan of the work of Carl Jung, and every time I get stuck, I know it’s just a projection of myself. When we learn to see every person as a mirror towards ourselves, it’s such a helpful way to understand things clearly and develop empathy (for yourself and for the other one).

If you are interested in shadow work for relationships, I wrote a journal about that, based on Carl Jung’s teachings.

The painful truth

It’s such a hard reality when two souls are aligned in essence but not in evolution. If somebody is on the wrong timing with you, all you can do is let them go on their journey.

I tried waiting for them, and others have waited for me, but we can’t force somebody to meet us where we are at if they are not there yet.

And sometimes they are where you are at, but the external circumstances just don’t allow it (at the moment). That might be even more painful because you know what you could have had would be so beautiful… but there is no ‘could’ in that situation.

The only thing you need to do is accept that every connection comes into your life for a reason. It is not the wrong time; it’s a preparation for what is right.

Whether that is them at a later stage, or perhaps somebody else who is the right person with the right timing.

Surrender and trust, and believe that the Universe makes no mistakes.

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The world works in mysterious ways. We will never find out how somebody else’s mind works. The only thing you can figure out is yourself, and even that is a very hard thing to do for most people.

When you are, or have been, in a relationship with somebody who is avoidant attached, you are probably searching everywhere for answers.

Why couldn’t they let your love in? Why were they so hard to get close to? Why did they just discard you like that?

The truth will be somewhere in the middle, but I am speaking from my own experience in this article. I am a former fearful-avoidant, and I know exactly what effect I used to have on people.

I hope to give you some insights into how our brains work through this post.

Attachment styles are not the enemy

Since I can remember, I have always believed in the One. I don’t believe the One is perfect, nor do I believe there is only one One. I think the right people enter your life at the right moment.

And also exit at the right moment.

This human life is meant to make our Souls grow, and we grow the most in the biggest pain. It’s unfortunate, but this is generally how it works.

When I was 21 years old, I tried to be with somebody who was dismissive-avoidant, and it was very hard. I had no idea about attachment styles back then, and all I did was blame that guy for having commitment issues. I didn’t look at myself and what my role in the relationship was. I behaved very anxiously during that experience.

Now, 17 years later, I know exactly what was going on, since I am on the other side of the spectrum now. I think the experience of trying to be with him made me more avoidant afterwards; I did not want to allow myself to get hurt so much again.

But the truth was: He was just not that into me. And he did me a favor by pushing me away.

The fear of being alone

Our society is built around finding a partner. We feel like we failed if we haven’t found somebody, and most of us are settling for less. Yes, relationships take work, but being with the wrong person is worse.

I was single for a long time and never understood the girls who dreamt of princess weddings. Of course, I also had the fantasy of meeting my forever partner, but I was never afraid to be alone. Lonely, yes — but alone, no.

I actually loved being independent. It made me able to travel the world from a young age, thrive alone as a woman, and not depend on anyone else for my happiness.

Was my attachment style part of this? Sure. There was a time I was actually grateful to be avoidantly attached. Nobody could come close enough to hurt me. I was 100% responsible for my own life.

My first committed relationship

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My whole life, I have encountered so-called ‘spiritual people’ on my journey. I was intrigued by them and wondered what they knew that I didn’t. I couldn’t understand the paranormal experiences they went through.

Part of me found it all bullshit; they repelled me as much as they sparked my curiosity. No matter where I went in the world and which places I chose as my new home, I always got faced with these truth seekers and enlightened souls. I must have attracted them for some reason.

To be honest, they scared me. I didn’t want to believe that there is more in this world than what I could perceive with my own eyes. I never had mystical experiences or truth revelations; why are they the ‘chosen ones’ that get to go deeper than what lies on the surface?

Mystical experiences

Surely, I have tried psychedelics and felt ecstatic as well. Sometimes those substances gave me glimpses of what goes beyond our physical world, but I knew those were just the effects of the drugs. They couldn’t fool me.

Until six years ago, when I moved to Mexico. I have always been different from the rest. I always rebelled against society and couldn’t fit in the mold they designed for me.

I traveled for ten years, seeking a place where I belonged. I tried to work a normal job in Amsterdam for a while too, but it slowly ate away at my whole spirit until I could no longer pretend that I would ever fit in. So I left my country (The Netherlands) again in search of what I now know was inside of me all along.

What is a spiritual awakening?

I had never even heard of the term spiritual awakening until my brother pointed out to me: “I think you are going through an awakening”. I shrugged and didn’t pay much attention to it, knowing that he was keen on watching a lot of YouTube videos.

But something funny happened in the months to come. I was losing my backpacker identity completely and could not fit in with the travelers anymore either. I felt lost again and had the desire to really get to know myself. Who the hell was I?? I Googled ‘spiritual awakening‘, and everything became clear.

Fast forward two years later, after going through the Dark Night of the Soul, I am totally aware of the power of a spiritual awakening. And with that came awareness of why I previously got so repelled by most of the ‘spiritual people’. Many of them weren’t truly awakened; they were using it merely to make themselves feel better than others.

10 Signs Your Spiritual Awakening Is Real

So how do you know if you went through a true spiritual awakening or have just fallen victim to another identity escape?

1. You have a sincere desire to help others

Really helping others can only happen when you have first helped yourself. How can you give advice on going through a severe depression or dark night of the soul, if you haven’t been there yourself?

You have to first focus on your own self-love before you can help others. This means spending time NOT helping others. Many “awakened” people make it their duty to give others (unsolicited) advice, just because it gives them the identity of the healer.

This is not truly helping others; it just distracts you from healing your own wounds.

2. You feel the extreme need to protect Mother Earth

If you are truly awakened, you can feel the pain our nature is going through. Hurting her means hurting yourself.

So how can you be awakened if you still have the need to always buy things? Or to drive in huge cars that are super polluting? Or to take airplanes to every corner of the world every week or month? Or to cut down precious trees to build your massive home? Or to renew your wardrobe every season?

A real spiritual awakening would show you that these things directly link to damaging our Earth, and your Soul would hurt if you take part in it.

3. You trust your intuition

Trusting your intuition is not at all easy or straightforward, and it’s extremely hard to distinguish intuition from fear. But after a real awakening, you have learned that your intuition is always right if you learn to listen to its voice. Follow your own truth and don’t follow the common good, even though that would be a lot easier.

Being awakened means you will have to fight for your opinion, because most people will think the opposite. It’s so easy to doubt yourself and disappear in the masses, but your gut feeling will tell you if something is off. Trust that intuition and don’t let others convince you that it’s not right.

4. You can be happy alone

Our whole lives, we have been conditioned to find happiness outside of ourselves. First, you need to get your high school diploma, then study something that will give you a promising career, find the love of your life, get married, and have babies. And at the same time, you need your own beautiful house, be successful, and also have a lot of friends.

No wonder we get super anxious when we are completely alone with none of these external achievements. But exactly in that space of being alone, you will learn how to be happy with just yourself. The way you truly are, with everything else stripped away.

This will most likely feel like a complete and utter loneliness, and that is exactly what a true spiritual awakening teaches you. Sit with yourself and learn how to be completely happy alone. Not just for a few hours, but plan days or even weeks without the need to constantly connect to anyone.

5. You can reach your Higher Self

If you are somewhat familiar with meditation and other forms of inner work, you have probably encountered your higher self (or God/Spirit/Universe/Source) at some point. This is so addictive to most people that they will try to find that state of mind all the time.

Drinking potion after potion, focusing on ritual after ritual, spending 1000s of dollars on retreats, crystal healings, sound meditation, natural medicine, light work, spirit guide readings, energy cleansing… the list goes on and on.

And I am not saying they are not a facilitator. But after a true awakening, you don’t need these external things to reach your Higher Self anymore. You simply know that it is always there with you, ready to guide you in times that you really need it.

You realise that you can’t achieve a permanent higher state, as our lower days are also part of life. It would be better to spend your money on things that help the collective instead of throwing it at all those self-proclaimed “gurus”.

6. You don’t force your awakening on others

I get it, you see the light, and you want everybody to know what you have been through. You completely change your appearance and bombard your social media with energy updates and enlightened advice.

You go around and tell all your friends to drink ayahuasca and join you on your quest to heal the world. But with a true spiritual awakening, you will naturally inspire people to follow your advice.

People don’t recognise from the outside if someone is awakened or not, but they will feel it. They will be drawn to you.

Forcing your awakening and telling everybody how woke you are is just another form of ego satisfaction. It gives you an identity, and that is exactly what you were meant to lose during your spiritual awakening.

7. You respect everyone’s journey

Not everybody will go through a spiritual awakening, and there is nothing wrong with that. Some people don’t need to wake up to feel happy and to contribute to a better world. If you look down on people who are “not there yet”, your ego has won.

If you feel better than those around you, that is anything but woke. A true awakening will reveal the interconnectedness between all life on Earth, whether awake or not. You accept that everyone is on their own path and they might never need to be or get where you are. Their role is different on this planet, and that is totally fine too.

8. You embrace your shadows

Life is not all love and light and blessings. There will be dark days and feelings of loss and loneliness. We can’t escape it or meditate away from it. In fact, the darker days probably make you grow the most.

During a true awakening, you learn to face and embrace your shadows. You want to find out where they came from, how they have developed, and what they can teach you. We all have a shadow side, and nobody is perfect.

Accept your own shadows, and you won’t get triggered so much by other people’s darkness.

9. You always act out of love

It’s easy to hate someone or blame the situation if something bad happens to you. But if you make love your first language, you will understand that that approach will give you the most inner peace.

Try not to judge others before knowing what they have been through. Even if people have done you wrong, forgive them and send love their way. They are obviously lacking it in their life, so it doesn’t help them to make them into an enemy.

Maybe those bad things happened to you because you needed to wake up. Once you can see gratitude in all of the difficult situations that life is throwing your way, you are truly awakened.

10. You are able to let go of money, power, and ego

A lot of “awakened” people have the need to share their lessons with the world. They start YouTube channels, build websites, and sell courses on how to be enlightened. They fail to see that they are just building another legacy for their ego.

Will you still feel enlightened when you lose that whole new spiritual identity?

When nobody would listen to your words and follow your advice? A truly awakened person doesn’t have the desire to tell the world how enlightened they are. They will simply share their teachings without wanting to be acknowledged for it, for whoever wants to listen to it.

We all are the Chosen Ones

Once you have had one mystical experience or vision, it’s so easy and tempting to shape your life around spirituality and awakening. But don’t fall victim to the addiction that is called Enlightenment.

You are not the Chosen One; we all are.

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Two years ago, I lost $2,000 USD in a scam. I had booked an apartment on an online booking platform (Booking), which turned out to be published by scammers. My card got charged in a foreign currency that I didn’t know the exchange rate for. And because I entered my PIN the moment I was charged, when I was physically in the apartment, the bank couldn’t help me get it back.

Two thousand dollars is a lot of money for me. I had saved that money to enjoy a month of remote working in the Dominican Republic. And it was gone in a second.

Money is a major theme in my life. I am afraid to spend it. I have always lived on a budget, and I am always losing hours of my time to find the best deals just to save a few bucks. A part of me believes I will end up poor if I spend money.

So, as soon as I realized my account had been charged such a high amount, the previous version of me would have panicked. But the current version of me — the one who has done a lot of inner work —  took a deep breath and took a step back from the situation.

I told myself everything happens for a reason. Did it suck? Yes, big time. Would my life be in danger by losing this? No.

Inviting gratefulness

I started to invite gratefulness into my mind. At least I had this money. Many people can’t even lose that amount, because they simply don’t even have it. Especially in a country like the Dominican Republic, where people make an average of $340 USD a month.

I felt very grateful that nothing worse happened. I could have been raped, brutally robbed, and even killed. After all, I had gotten into a strange pimped-up car with two young tattooed guys who were supposed to bring me to the apartment (I know, stupid move). I was at their full disposal the moment their car door closed with me in the backseat.

Maybe the Universe had done me a favor for letting them take just $2,000 USD, instead of my body or my life. I would never know what could have happened if my card hadn’t worked, or if my bank had blocked the transaction. It was something to be grateful for.

The life lesson that everyone should follow

This story is a simple example of a big life lesson that will make living a lot easier for everyone.

Stop trying to control things.

Controlling a situation will only make it worse. You cannot control anything in life. Whether that’s being dumped, losing money, not landing the job you wanted, getting fired, losing a loved one … you simply can’t control it.

Life slips out of your hands when you try to control things. Alan Watts called this ‘trying to grip water’. Instead, let it flow the way it wants to. There is a silver lining in every situation that comes your way. Maybe something incredible happens because your worst fear came true.

The Universe never takes something from you without replacing it with something better.

But as long as you try to control the situation, you won’t have space for that better thing to enter.

I have countless examples of people I know who can’t let go of control. They try everything in their power to achieve what they think they want. Some are chasing that dream job, some are jumping through countless medical hoops to get pregnant, some are spending thousands of dollars and hours trying to get their business off the ground.

And the only result is more anxiety. More desire for that thing they are trying to achieve. In the meantime, they don’t see that everything happens at the perfect time.

How often do you hear people getting pregnant the moment they gave up? How many times have you heard a story that during somebody's greatest misery, their biggest blessing entered their life?

Flow with life

My boss, who took his house off the market because he got so frustrated, sold it for more than he was asking for a few months later (and then regretted it). My coworker, who was told she could only get pregnant with IVF, naturally conceived her second child a year after the painful procedure for her firstborn. My friend, who got suddenly fired from her dream job, started her own business and is now making six figures.

It’s not easy to let go of control. After all, it makes you feel safe to think you are behind the steering wheel.

It made me feel safe not to spend money, but the anxiety of losing it was always present. And then I lost it all.

The Universe has a funny way of teaching us things that will make us grow. Whatever you desire outside yourself is a recipe for failure. Because the truth is, when you achieve that actual thing, you will realize that it isn’t bringing you the happiness you desired.

Instead, allow life to bring you everything you need at the exact right time. If you can’t find the perfect partner, stop the chase and use this time to work on yourself. If you get fired, take an honest look at why it happened and start to improve that part of yourself first. And if there is really nothing you did wrong, be grateful to not have that toxic job anymore.

If you get dumped, accept it and learn from the heartbreak. If your business keeps failing, maybe it’s time to try a completely different path or work for a company again for a while.

You don’t need what you think you need

My whole life, I’ve tried to control my spending. Losing so much money in a stupid scam made me take an honest look at my financial life. What was the real lesson behind this situation?

Of course, it goes deeper for me than just losing that money. For me, money equals freedom.

I’ve been traveling the world for the last 15 years and have never earned more than 15K a year. I am 38 years old, have seen 50+ countries, have lived on sailing yachts, spent nights in million-dollar homes, and never had a full-time job for more than one year since my mid-twenties.

Why did I think I needed to save all my money? The Universe was already gifting me all these incredible experiences without even having money in the first place.

Life has always provided me with whatever I wanted, naturally. When I started to get greedy and kept the money that I did have for myself, this lesson happened.

Money is energy and should flow. I stopped the flow by trying to keep it safe.

Embrace your biggest fear

So the Universe forced the money out of me. And I couldn’t have done anything to control it. In fact, control would have made the situation worse. I would have spent the rest of my vacation trying to get the money back. I would have been pissed at the Dominican Republic for ‘ruining’ my month away. I would have made angry phone calls to my bank to rectify the situation, making me feel even more out of control.

But instead, I made a conscious effort to be grateful. Grateful for even having the opportunity to spend a month in a beautiful country. Grateful for having had that money in my bank account in the first place. Grateful for still being alive and not traumatized by all the worse things that could have happened to me in that apartment.

And especially grateful for not trying to control the situation, like a previous version of me would have done. Who knows what good will come out of it eventually? Maybe that money saved a person’s life in the Dominican Republic.

But as long as I’m trying to control it, new doors can’t be opened.

Control is a protection mechanism

I’m not saying you should let go of all the reins and never take action anymore. Conscious effort is different than control.

But wanting to control situations that are out of your hands is an inner core wound. Probably, in your younger years, it didn’t feel safe to just let life happen. So you promised yourself you wouldn’t accept that as an adult. You never want to feel that insecurity anymore, and you want to protect yourself from things happening to you.

But what if everything happens for you?

My money fear doesn’t come from being poor. My fear stems from an emotional money wound that I had deep inside of me, from the way my family handled money and how my mum was completely financially dependent on my dad. I wanted to save all my money so that I didn’t have to depend on anyone ever.

That is where more inner work needs to be done for me.

How to let things flow?

It’s easier said than done to let things flow. But I promise you that life will get so much easier when you do. Many surprises will come your way that you wouldn’t have dreamt of.

It might not be the thing you wanted so badly, but it’s the thing you needed. Try to see a lesson in every situation, and don’t force things. Practice letting go with meditation and mindfulness, and be present in the current moment.

Nothing in the future will make you happy. Life happens right now. Breathe in, breathe out, and let go of control.

If you’re craving a deeper connection with yourself and feel ready to begin again, I highly recommend this course*. If you’re longing for a reset, this might be just what you need.

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*I earn a percentage if you purchase this course, which makes me keep doing what I love: to write more articles! I don’t recommend anything that I don’t genuinely believe in. Thanks so much in advance for supporting me :)

I believe that before we come to Earth, significant moments that will happen in our lives are already planned. If this sounds crazy to you, bear with me. I also believed for a very long time that everything is a coincidence and there is no ‘higher power’ orchestrating our lives.

But too many unexplainable things happened to me to keep believing that thought. And, to be honest, believing that there is a Universe guiding us made my life so much easier and more pleasant.

Now I know that everything happens for a reason. Everything that has an impact on us is meant to make us grow.

Relationships are our ultimate mirrors

As soon as we are born, we are part of a relationship. If it’s not with your own parents, it’s with the people who take care of us. These early relationship experiences shape how we will love as adults.

If our childhood relationships were chaotic, we will subconsciously search for that in our romantic partners as well. These types of relationships can be extremely challenging because they are meant to make us grow.

They are meant to expose us to our early attachment wounds, so we can heal our own patterns. Often, those relationships are karmic and come to help us release old stuff.

The key is to learn from them and to let go when the time is right.

When the old Self dies

Those relationships are no coincidence. You signed a contract with that Soul before you came to Earth. You were going to meet them at some point, no matter what. The Universe made your paths cross, and all your previous decisions led up to that (the ‘Butterfly Effect’).

And when you meet, there is an incredible force at play that can’t keep you away from them. That is because we attract the same people as the frequency we send out.

When you are meant to learn some lessons, those lessons will come with those challenging relationships.

The result is that your old Self starts to die.

This is a sacred process. Everything you thought you once knew starts to fade away. You are being stripped of the old version of you to let the new one come in.

Your soul is preparing you

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I believe that we choose to come to Earth to learn some lessons, and this might include becoming (or being in love with someone who is) avoidant-attached.

Attachment styles are rooted in childhood, and whether you are anxious or avoidant, these are powerful lessons that are tough to overcome. But there is a lot of growth in having an insecure attachment style.

You probably feel everything much more deeply, which could be a blessing or a curse.

The sensitivity of avoidants

Avoidants were usually very sensitive children and felt everything profoundly. But their circumstances made them have to retreat into themselves, because their sensitivity was not appreciated.

I speak from personal experience here, as I was a very sensitive girl with a parent who was often extremely angry. I learned that feeling everything so deeply was hurting me even more, so I figured out a way to protect myself.

But this came with a cost. I had built thick walls around myself to protect myself from any emotion, but that also included the good ones.

It turned me into an adult with a Fearful Avoidant attachment style: I was craving deep love, but also very afraid of it.

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When the avoidant starts healing

When I was 32 years old and with a trail of broken hearts behind me (my own as well as those of others), I met someone whom I call one of my soulmates. He was the ultimate mirror to the parts of myself I didn’t want to face.

I believe the Universe brings certain souls together to help each other grow, and that is why those connections are so intense. These types of soulmates often stir up emotions we didn’t even know existed, and bring out a pain that’s almost unbearable to face.

But it’s exactly in that pain where we can meet ourselves. And when that happens to an avoidant, that is often the start of their healing journey.

When is the avoidant ready for love?

As a former avoidant myself, I know how hard it is to love people like us. We push people with good intentions away and attract the hard ones who represent our childhood wounds.

This is because there is something unhealed in us. When a secure partner is standing in front of us and we haven’t worked on ourselves yet, we don’t know how to receive that love.

But an avoidant who is aware of their own patterns can actively heal themselves. It’s all a matter of recognizing their triggers and the will to change them.

Signs the avoidant is changing

It all starts with awareness. It’s when the ego softens, and the soul starts to take over.

Here are 6 signs the avoidant is healing:

1. They stop needing to control the connection

The ego releases the need for control when it starts trusting the unconscious. An aware avoidant knows that the soul is the ultimate guide, and their need for control is just the ego trying to protect them.

They have learned to create emotional safety for themselves, and they no longer need distance to feel safe.

You can recognize this because they will stay with the discomfort instead of withdrawing. Emotional closeness still feels scary, but at least they don’t walk away from it.

2. They acknowledge their fear of love

It’s very hard for an avoidant to change when they are not even aware they are avoidant. But once they are, they will also acknowledge that there is deep-rooted fear for love in them.

They start to recognize that their distance stems from this fear, and not because they are not interested. And by admitting the fear, it becomes lighter instantly. Their shadow is ready to be taken to the light, and you can tell because they become more vulnerable and open up to their partner.

However, their partner still needs to be aligned, and sometimes disinterest signals unalignment.

3. Feeling becomes more present than thinking

When the avoidant is healing, they shift from analyzing emotions to feeling them. Avoidants are experts in dissecting their own emotions and putting everything in neat boxes.

But when they are aware, these emotions start running through the body. They might cry more or become more sensitive again.

They start to share more about their inner world and express tenderness without feeling shame. This marks the reactivation of the heart chakra.

4. They take accountability

Avoidants are master deflectors. They often blame others for having feelings or being too sensitive. But deep inside, the avoidant feels the same sensitivity; they were just always punished for it.

An aware avoidant takes responsibility for their actions and apologizes when they react out of line.

They actively take a look at their own patterns and want to heal. Self-responsibility is a massive marker that someone is healing (not just for avoidants, by the way).

You can recognize this because they bring up issues again and don’t try to hide them. And they stay emotionally available after talking through it.

5. They choose connection over independence

Independence is the avoidant’s middle name, and they often wear it proudly. Many avoidants don’t let anybody change that because it’s where they feel the safest.

But an avoidant who is healing knows that connection ultimately is more important than independence. They no longer idolize isolation as safety.

There comes a moment in the avoidant’s life when they see everybody around them building connections, except them. That’s when they often start questioning their own behavior and want to change.

6. Love wins even when it feels risky

Carl Jung says that the greatest act of courage is loving despite the possibility of loss. And all insecure attachment styles are actually a fear of abandonment or rejection.

Avoidants are secretly afraid to lose somebody when they finally choose to love them. So to avoid that, they avoid love altogether.

A healing avoidant knows that real love isn’t risk-free, but they still choose to try it. We never know what is going to happen to the people we love, but the fact that we are allowed to love them is already a gift.

You know that an avoidant is changing when they choose love instead of retreating into defense mechanisms.

The vibration of an avoidant who is on a healing journey

It’s not easy to heal your attachment style, but the first step is awareness. If we are not aware of why we avoid love, we can never address it either. For me, shadow work was the ultimate tool to become aware of my own patterns. I even created my own shadow journal now, based on all the things that really helped me.

An avoidant probably heals in small doses and often feels the need to retreat again. But little by little, they send a signal to the Universe: “I am ready now.”

And the Universe always responds to vibration. Nobody will feel safe for an avoidant if they don’t feel safe in themselves first.

You simply cannot love somebody out of their traumas.

What happens after an avoidant heals themselves?

It may take years for an avoidant to truly heal, but it is possible. I have been avoidant for 32 years of my life without realizing it, and now, at age 38, my attachment tests finally come back as secure.

But the true test comes when you are in a relationship with someone. However, the avoidant who has healed now attracts a different type of partner. Whereas before they magnetized towards anxious people, now they realize that that dynamic is probably very toxic.

If you are anxious and you read this, please be aware that it’s very unlikely that a healed avoidant stays with you, simply because they attract secure partners now.

Are you anxiously attached?

All you can do when you are anxious is also heal yourself. Don’t wait for somebody else to change. Healing together with your avoidant partner creates a very strong bond. It’s not all on them; you also have an insecure attachment style for a reason.

My shadow work journal is a great tool for anxious people as well because it exposes both sides of the story.

It is available as a digital download or as a print journal, in case you are interested in checking it out.

I am a big fan of self-awareness, and that awareness brought me back to the sensitive girl I have been hiding all this time. After all, we can only heal ourselves, never the other person.

“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.”
 — Eden Ahbez

This article might resonate with you as well:

The “Particle Theory” is something that has been sitting in my mind since I can remember. Maybe it was put there by the Universe, as information that I had to share with the world at some point.

I never felt called to write about it, though, as I don’t consider myself spiritually advanced or enlightened by any means. I have a lot of things to learn on the spiritual path, and the more I read/watch/consume, the more I realize I know nothing.

It overwhelms me sometimes. Will there ever be a moment when I have learned enough to understand life? Will humans ever be able to truly understand life? There are so many great teachers and spiritual leaders out there, some who have spent years and years in silent meditation, or a lifetime of research about consciousness and how the mind works.

Every day since my own spiritual transformation, I am in awe of the number of things we just don’t know. I am in awe of the teachings that plant medicine has given me so far. I am in awe of the thousands of secrets that ancient constructions and indigenous cultures hold for us.

Is all religion the same?

The more I learn about different religions, the more I realize how incredibly similar they are. It all comes down to putting the things we can’t understand into a compelling story. A story that can provide a guide to many people on how to navigate this complicated thing called Life.

Religions are born between people but exist on a much higher plane. It is no coincidence that many religions have a prophet (whether that be a person or a spirit) and an ascension. Is this information that has been shared from a place outside of ourselves?

Or are we all holding that same prophet inside our mind, body, and Soul? Are we trying to explain something with external reasoning, while the answers are inside each of us all along?

The Spiritual Particle Theory

First things first: The Particle Theory I am about to share already exists in scientific models, called “Particle Theory of Matter”. I don’t know if the “spiritual” Particle Theory I am writing here is my personal theory or somebody else’s, or maybe even Universal’s. It might have been written by somebody else already that I did not know about (if so, please let me know in the comments!).

The Particle Theory is some piece of information that has been inside my brain since I can remember. I’ve shared it with some close friends before, and they all said it could make total sense to explain the purpose of life. I don’t know what is moving me to share it now, since I consider myself a complete novice on these types of things.

But if this is information that was put in my mind by something greater than myself, who am I to keep it hidden? I am not writing this because I think I am enlightened or want recognition or something like that; to the contrary, actually. But it might resonate with just one reader and give meaning to their life.

So let’s get to it.

Our Souls consist of many different particles

The Particle Theory is based on the idea that every Soul living on this planet is made up of an X amount of particles. Let’s say for humans this is 1000 particles, just for the sake of illustrating how it works.

The moment the Soul is born into a human body is the moment that these 1000 particles metabolize. These pieces come from different realms, previous lives, their parents, animals, and plants.

So one newborn baby could, for example, have 300 particles given by their parents. Then another 300 particles from previous humans who lived on Earth over different centuries. Plus 100 particles from spirits and other ‘beings’ in Universes we don’t even know about. And then 100 particles from a specific sort of animal or plant, and finally 200 empty particles that serve as a blank slate.

The actual amount of the various particles varies for each living being. A mouse might have only 100 particles in total, for example.

The percentages of each type of particle are different for each human as well. For example, if one particular baby has 100 “dog” particles, it means he received these 100 particles from different dogs that lived before him. There is a high chance he will love dogs and resonate a lot with them. Somebody with only 20 dog particles might not be interested in dogs at all.

If the baby has been given very traumatic particles from previous lives (whether from humans, animals, or plants), this person might have to deal with a lot of diseases and mental health issues. If their parents have a lot of unprocessed emotions, this will show up in the baby too as they receive some of their parents’ particles.

Maybe some babies are born with a lot of “previous life” particles, which could explain why some people remember their past lives.

Or if the baby has a high amount of “plant” particles, they might feel called to protect nature and could be more introverted.

Our human purpose explained with the Particle Theory

Humans have always been trying to understand life.

What is the purpose of it all? Why are we born and then die? What happens before and after living? There must be a reason for being alive, right?

The Particle Theory can explain this. Since every human is born with those (imaginary) 1000 particles, a lot of these particles are out of sync. I like to call them red and green particles. Red means there is trauma stored in them that wants to be resolved (negative particles),  and green means they are healthy particles and positive. Of course, it’s not so black-and-white, but just to give an example.

Green particles are compassionate, empathetic, generous, caring, and generally loving. Red particles are anxious, greedy, toxic, destructive, and egocentric.

This could explain why there are positive and negative humans. We all know those people who just suck the energy out of you, and their only goal is to take, take, take. These people might have a lot of red particles stored in them.

And then there are positive people  who are giving, protecting the Earth, holding space for others, and feel really nice to be around. They have a big amount of green particles.

So what then is our purpose with all this?

As humans, our purpose is to transform our red particles into green.

We can do this because every human can be an alchemist. We hold the power to understand our red (traumatized) particles, give them love and attention, and make them better.

The red particles inside ourselves are not always ours to begin with, but it’s our duty to transform them. And sometimes even our original green particles can turn red because of things happening to us throughout our lives. Things that traumatize us.

It’s our purpose to alchemize them  because if we don’t, the moment we die, these particles get released again. If we have 80% red particles at that moment, this would mean that those particles all come back onto our planet being red. Meaning more trauma and more work to transform for the next person.

If we release 80% green particles, we directly give tools to the next person (who could be our own personal incarnation again) to make the remaining red particles better.

The Ascension of humanity

If you are somewhat spiritual, you probably heard of the notion that We Are All One. How does this work with the Particle Theory?

What if humanity in itself is just one entity? We could be all separate humans but part of that bigger entity. Maybe only humanity as a whole can ascend. And Ascension only happens when there are 100% green particles.

This might be the same ascension that nearly every religion speaks about. Whether you call it Heaven, Nirvana, Samadhi, Jannah, Zion, Valhalla, Paradise, or Garden of Eden — it’s all the same.

However, we never reach that state if not all of humanity ascends. Our particles just keep coming back over and over again, until we alchemize them into green and thus positive.

Our only job as humans is to transform our given particles. To give love to everyone and everything around us. To not damage the Earth (she is part of the Ascension!). To not hurt other living things, like animals and plants.

Love can heal everything.

During all my psychedelic healing ceremonies, there was always one answer: LOVE. With a lack of love, we spiral into negativity and do bad things. With an abundance of love, we thrive, shine, and feel happy.

So if love is so powerful, it also has the power to transform our red particles. You just have to acknowledge them, embrace them, and heal them. Healing can be done with therapy, plant medicine, inner child work, shadow work, psychedelics, etc.

There comes a moment when the majority of your particles tip over the edge from red to green, and that is the moment you start to feel amazing. That is that blissful state so many ‘enlightened’ people talk about.

Because that might be the reward for following your purpose. As long as you keep your red particles red, or worse, make your green particles red (by lying, deceiving, stealing, and hurting others/yourself), you will feel bad about yourself.

The duality in our humanness

No amount of money, status, or power will make you feel good if your red particles overrule, meaning you will never reach that state of bliss.

But the sad truth is that humans with an overload of red particles don’t recognize this. They are so lost in achieving external things that they fail to follow their purpose. Many of them die unhappy, releasing 1000s of red particles into the atmosphere again.

The next person who receives those particles has even more work to do to transform them. Could this be the reason that our planet is slowly dying? Is it harder for every generation to transform its red particles? Resulting in the destruction of all the beauty around us?

The paradox of duality

Some might say that duality needs to exist in our world. That we need dark in order to see light. That we need murderers, psychopaths, and rapists in order to see the good that exists on the other side.

I am not sure how to answer this. All I see is that we as humanity are living further and further away from what really matters. We take more from the Earth than she can handle, and eventually we will kill ourselves with this mentality.

We don’t live in sync with nature like indigenous tribes used to do. We don’t listen to our wise elderly anymore;  instead, we put them into nursing homes to let them fade away.

If you ask me, there is something significantly wrong with the way we live our lives. Maybe it’s because we as humans generally have more red particles nowadays.

How can we transform?

All the hurt on this planet is caused by others doing harm to others. People with a lot of trauma might become narcissists, hurting many around them. And most trauma is caused by people around you. You don’t inflict trauma on yourself; it happened to you at some point. Or you incarnated it from all those red particles that were released before you were born. Whatever the reason for your amount of red particles, you only have one job: transform them.

I personally think that we just have to live by one principle: respect yourself and those around you. If you lie, steal, kill, cheat, or manipulate…  that is not respect. That will eventually come back to you. You might even come back as that exact same person you hurt in your next life (or at least, receive their particles).

Instead, if we give love and respect to those around us (even the ones who hurt us), we slowly transform our red particles into the green. This includes respecting yourself: if you hate yourself for whatever reason, your red particles cannot transform.

Hating yourself can manifest itself in excessive drinking/drugs, lack of physical activity, eating bad foods, and not giving attention to your mental health. Your body is your closest ally — start by respecting that first. Love yourself before you try to heal others. Understand your trauma and triggers and go back to them.

That is how we can heal. That is alchemy.

If you liked this post, this article might resonate with you as well:

I have lived most of my life trying to escape. When I was 16 years old, I knew: I was never going to stay in the Netherlands (my home country). When I turned 19, I packed my bags and moved to the USA. What followed were 15 years of going in and out of multiple countries. Sometimes back home, sometimes to the other side of the world.

I was always ready to move on, to start somewhere new. I made friends easily, and I said goodbye just as easily (hello, avoidant attachment style!).

What I didn’t know back then was that I was running away from myself. The pain that had gripped me in the Netherlands just ran with me.

So, of course, I had to meet somebody who would make me face myself.

You are calling certain experiences into your life

I wish I knew back then that everything that caused me harm was not to punish me. It was to hold up a mirror. Once you realize that every experience is a way to make you grow, everything starts making so much more sense.

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Imagine this: you meet somebody who ticks all your boxes. Their energy is magnetic, and around them you feel like you are home. All you want is to be with them, and thinking of a life without them is almost unbearable.

You light up around them, your nervous system relaxes, and you think they are the most wonderful person ever.

There is just one little detail: they don’t want to receive your love. They keep pushing you away, keep telling you reasons why you are not compatible.

This is a painful dynamic to be in because you are sure they would be so wonderful if they just opened up.

But there is a reason they don’t.

Love is a frequency

Love is a living energy stream that comes from a higher source. You feel it flow through you, but it blocks at the receiver you are sending it to. This might be because their heart center is closed. Maybe they have unhealed trauma they need to conquer before allowing love in.

Or maybe their love frequency is simply different from yours. You can see all the potential, but if the frequencies don’t match, it cannot come into fruition.

The Universe has a reason for this. When love is present on both sides, it naturally flows between both parties. The fact that it is blocked in one of them means it’s not resonating right now.

The frequency of love always attracts the same frequency. When somebody is sending out a different signal than yours, there will be a mismatch.

Soul contracts and pre-birth agreements

I believe our souls sign contracts before we come to Earth. This is to make us grow and to learn lessons. Sometimes we meet somebody who is only here to teach us that. Not to receive our love.

When this happens to you, there is a karmic imbalance in your own life. After all, if your love frequency were pure, it would attract the same pureness. But your vibration is most likely overwhelming…  too giving, or too attached.

The response of the other person has to be to push you away. There is no other way. You need to discover the parts of yourself that make somebody reject you (and you not listening to that rejection).

Rejection is not bad. It’s redirection. The person who rejects you does not vibrate on your love level, whatever that is right now.

Why somebody might not be ready for your love

There are a million reasons why somebody is not ready to let love in. One might be because they are still in preparation mode. The Universe is still preparing them to receive love, and you are interfering with that process.

Or maybe their life on Earth has caused them significant damage. They might have learned that love isn’t safe, and they need to feel that safety inside first. Trust that inner healing will also come to them, without your help.

If you force them to love you, that’s the opposite of safety. No matter how well you mean it.

I know it’s very hard to let somebody go, especially when you see clearly where their wounds are. But it’s not your responsibility. In fact, you are taking their autonomy away, which allows them to heal themselves.

You are basically saying: “You are not capable of helping yourself, so I will step in and be your savior.”

Do you see why this is not going to work?

The higher plane is preventing love

The Universe helps everyone at their own pace. Don’t force that process upon somebody. You are literally manifesting for them not to heal, because you believe your love is enough.

But it will never be enough. They need to love themselves first. Trust that the Universe will help them with that. If they constantly lean on you for validation, you are taking it away to let it come from within.

If somebody is not ready for love with you, there is a reason for that. There is an energetic misalignment between you, and you cannot change that.

Maybe this person is not meant to have a partner right now, because they are working on a business project that is going to change the planet.

Or maybe they need to bring children into the world that you cannot give them (or the other way around).

Perhaps you are not the right one for them, and the Universe is preventing it from working out between you.

Please stop interfering with somebody’s soul plan. You are not part of it right now for a reason.

The mirror principle

Nothing is random. The fact that you fell in love with somebody who does not want your love is a mirror. You attracted that mirror for a reason. Their inability to love you reflects your own hidden blocks to receiving.

Do you love yourself enough to accept that? Or do you need somebody to constantly validate your love? Why is it so hard to accept that somebody does not want you? That is where you need to search for love, not in the other person.

Carl Jung says the same:

“Projection is one of the commonest psychic phenomena… Everything that is unconscious in ourselves we discover in our neighbour, and we treat him accordingly.” — Carl Jung

When love works, it works. The mirror is reflecting back the same love you are sending out. Their rejection means you are rejecting yourself, especially if you try to convince them otherwise.

The illusion of rejection

The paradox here is that rejection is an illusion. The energy of love is never lost. Love doesn’t diminish when it’s unreturned; it just changes form.

If you give love to somebody who is bouncing it away, it bounces back to you. You are the one ready for that love, not them.

Because if they were ready, it would flow through them and magnify in partnership. That type of love is what you should strive for. Not an endless stream of love directed at them without reciprocation.

Open yourself to your own love… your soul is apparently screaming for it. They are just the mirror showing you that.

Maybe you are manipulating your own purpose by pursuing them, and something much better is waiting for you. But it will never come when you don’t close this door first.

The Universe is constantly giving you signs

I have a friend who believes love can heal everything, and she keeps the door open for her “partner” (who has been rejecting her on and off for many years already).

But the healing starts with trusting the Universe. If there are constant blockages, there is a reason for it.

Maybe the best love you can give them is to let them go. If you lose yourself in loving someone, that is not love. That is martyrdom. You are suffocating them with your love.

You didn’t come into this world to sacrifice yourself. You came here to embody love, not deplete yourself completely. Because when love is healthy and reciprocated, it will grow both people.

Love is abundant between a healthy couple, not a constant drain out of your own cup.

Redirect your love to what is ready

Some people just have an incredible amount of love to give (and I admire them greatly). But I see them crumble under the closed doors of the receiver.

Your love is meant to be welcomed. Redirect it to something else. Maybe towards a pet or by starting a community project. If you are one of those people who just love endlessly, don’t waste it on somebody who pushes you away.

Take this chance to upgrade your own love frequency. Where love is received, it will be amplified. And the Universe will reward you.

Remember that you are love, not just a giver of love. When your whole being radiates love, the right people will be attracted to that. You literally call them into your frequency.

You are not here to save somebody

When you see someone’s potential, it’s very hard to walk away. But this is exactly what it is: potential. You are not here to make them see that potential.

Actually, it’s quite entitled to think that way. They subconsciously feel that you are sorry for them and want to save them. But they don’t need you to get saved. They can save themselves if both of you trust the Universe.

By thinking of them in that way, you are contributing to the cycle of needing to be saved. Your thoughts affect them directly because everything is energy.

Instead, think about how they will know themselves what is good for them. And trust their decisions. When that doesn’t include you, accept that. Praise them for listening to their intuition, instead of trying to change it.

The Universe will reward you as well; all you need to do is surrender.

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If you need some help after being rejected, this article could be your next read:

A spiritual awakening is a real phenomenon: you suddenly see through the veil of society and can’t continue living your old life any longer. You realize that our present humanity is very far removed from what really matters: to love and let love.

But if you think that a spiritual awakening is all love and light, you couldn’t be further from the truth.

If you enter into this stage of your life, nothing will ever be the same again. Is this good? After all, according to most ‘awakened’ people, a spiritual awakening is the best thing that could ever happen to you.

But a real spiritual awakening wakes you up to the harsh reality that most people are living very far removed from their authentic Soul, including yourself.

It makes you aware that many of us are always looking for something better and can never really be at peace. That a lot of people hurt each other, whether consciously or unconsciously.

A real spiritual awakening is hard work. You have to dedicate a lot of time to get to know yourself and your shadows. It’s really easy to close your eyes again and fall back into your old (toxic) patterns.

It’s actually not fun at all to see how everybody around you is mostly living on autopilot. How we are all mainly chasing money and power.

Why did the Universe want to show you this?

The good news is that it is indeed all worth it in the end. You entered into this awakening to grow as a human being and to be a better person to others.

That said, a spiritual awakening can also make you really confused.

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The negative side effects of a spiritual awakening

Nobody really talks about the bad side effects of a spiritual awakening, but they are as real as the whole process of waking up itself. Having entered into a spiritual awakening myself six years ago, I encountered (and still do) the following bad side effects during my process:

1. You become boring

This might be the most persistent negative part of being spiritually awakened: people perceive you as boring. Whereas before you used to love going out and socializing, now you prefer to meditate in nature and learn about the secrets of life.

You still try to have fun and let loose sometimes, but it just doesn’t resonate with you anymore. You find the conversations shallow, and you drift further and further away from your friends.

They comment on how boring you became; you never want to do anything fun anymore! And now that you think about it yourself, you are actually pretty boring.

What happened to the extroverted, funny person you once were?

A spiritual awakening makes you listen to your soul and your purpose in life. And for most people, that is not partying and getting drunk all the time. You might resist this fact in the beginning, but at some point, you conclude that you’ve lost that part of yourself.

It’s up to you to see that as a good or a bad thing.

2. You doubt yourself even more

When you first start learning about your spiritual awakening, everything is amazing. You feel so lucky that you could get out of the matrix, and that you are growing so much. You seek other spiritual friends and make wonderful connections.

But it wouldn’t be a spiritual awakening if you start doubting yourself again at some point.

Who are you? Why are you here? What is the meaning of life?

This might make you lose trust in your progress, and you try to be your old self again. You’ll soon find out, though, that you don’t resonate with either version of yourself anymore— not your old one, but not your new one either.

An awakening is notorious for making you always doubt everything over and over again.

3. You get confused about real spirituality

What is being spiritual anyway? Is it to believe in God? To become Buddhist? To dedicate yourself to yoga and meditation? To endlessly pursue inner healing?

Real spirituality can’t be put into a box.

Being spiritual is different for everybody. You might get confused about what the ultimate truth is. Who holds the real secrets of the Universe?

You compare religions with each other. You might become obsessed with Taoism, follow Alan Watts’ words, or become a monk for a while. You buy ‘spiritual’ items, like tarot cards, crystals, or incense sticks.

But it all ends up making you more confused. What if it’s all made up, and we are just a bunch of sheep trying to make sense of it all? Never coming to any conclusion?

Being confused is a not-so-fun part of going through a spiritual awakening.

4. You lose friends

If you enter into a spiritual awakening, you will get more and more removed from the people that you call your friends. You want to stay away from gossip, and only deep conversations get you excited.

Especially if you are the only one in your circle who sees how toxic our society really is, it might be very hard to explain that to them. They are still convinced that they should make a lot of money and that a powerful career reflects success in their life. Or they are conditioned to follow the general fear mentality we mostly live in right now.

It’s very hard to stay friends with people who you don’t resonate with anymore.

And they probably think that you are into some woo-woo shit and it’s just a phase in your life.

It’s a sad side effect that you will lose some of your lifelong friends after you get more spiritual. It’s okay though; people come and go into our lives, and sometimes you just have to say goodbye if your friends are not good for your personal growth anymore.

5. You follow the wrong gurus

This is a trap that many spiritual seekers fall into:  you follow the wrong gurus. Many “enlightened” people claim to have special healing powers, and can’t wait to show you how it’s done.

As a newly-made spiritual person, you believe everything. These people are so radiant! And their life is like a dream! They have so many followers; they must do something good with their lives, right?

You get obsessed with their YouTube channels and buy every course they recommend. After all, you are the one who needs guidance, and you feel like everybody around you knows more than you. Even the wrong people.

However, the sad truth is that there are many sharks in the spiritual world. They might actually have some sort of wisdom, but this doesn’t mean that they are better than you.

Be aware of any guru or healer who claims they can heal you. They are probably the ones who need the most healing themselves. Spiritual narcissism is a real thing, and you should know about this.

6. You lose a lot of money

Following the previous bad side effect of an awakening: you most likely lose a lot of money when you reluctantly set foot into the spiritual world.

This is because you probably believe all the crap that people try to sell you at first.

Whether it is their “blessed” tarot deck, or that mega-expensive online course that promises you'll get enlightened. Or maybe because you get obsessed with spiritual healing events, like breathwork sessions, cacao ceremonies, or plant medicine/psychedelics retreats.

Don’t get me wrong, though — these ceremonies could be really helpful. In fact, I am a big fan myself of this type of healing.

But there is a difference between paying a fair price for these things to cover the costs, or having to put down thousands of dollars to attend a retreat with a ‘Channeler’ who claims he/she should get paid top-dollar for their services since “money is energy that should flow”.

7. You think you have arrived

Another bad side effect of a spiritual awakening is falling into the trap of new-age spirituality. New age spirituality is using your new status as a spiritual person to not face your issues.

You think you have seen the light, and you have arrived. You entered the 5D, saw some visions, became enlightened, and now the work is done.

But this is actually where the real work begins. How “enlightened” are you to realize that enlightenment was always inside of you?

There is always more to learn about yourself and your shadows. You will never ever stop growing and evolving.

8. You become entitled

This is a dangerous side effect of being spiritually awakened: you feel better than others. You think you have gifts that others don’t have. Or that you deserve to get what belongs to you.

You look down on people who “are not there yet”. You and your new friends are so awake! You use the Law of Attraction to manifest all you feel entitled to. You tell people that they create their own reality, and all they need to do is change their thoughts. After all, they chose their own life, right?

It’s very common to fall into this negative side effect of a spiritual awakening (and it happened to me as well!). But despite the fact that you have woken up to the toxicity of our matrix society, that doesn’t mean that you deserve more than others.

Or that you should close your eyes to a lot of misery that people have to endure. They didn’t choose to be born into a war-ridden country or be locked up in a basement to be sexually abused.

To really realize you became entitled is a true sign of growth.

Nobody chooses to have bad things happen to them. If anything, you should feel heightened compassion for everybody around you. Especially the people who are less lucky than you.

Because ultimately, a spiritual awakening teaches you that We are all One.

9. You think you need to heal others

This is a bad trait of many spiritual people that I have encountered so many times. And truth be told, I also fell into this trap.

I thought I learned so many lessons about life and the Universe that others would want to learn the same. I diagnosed people with which problem they had and thought it would help them to know about this.

You feel the urge to make it your mission to wake others up as well.

After all, you do feel different. And maybe you really do see what the issue with somebody else is, and how they could improve their lives. But who are you to knock them off their feet with your truth if they are not ready for it?

Everybody is on their own journey at their own pace. You cannot heal anybody else but yourself.

People will naturally come to you if they feel like they want help and if you inspire them.

10. You wish you never entered this stage in your life

After getting aware of all these negative side effects, what the hell is the purpose of getting into a spiritual awakening anyway?

Especially if you have been a victim of the toxic spirituality circles, you might want to turn your back on spirituality completely. Why did you have to enter this journey that is so full of fake people?

If everybody is so awakened as they claim to be, why is there still so much misery in the world? If only you could go back to the fun times you had before, where you didn’t have to navigate this confusing awakening bullshit.

The good thing about a spiritual awakening

Fortunately, there is also a silver lining in entering into an awakening. It’s true that you get more peaceful and happier in general. You stop searching for external validation, and you just trust the pace of life. You learn that your intuition is always guiding you.

You feel more secure about who you are, and you can genuinely enjoy the beautiful things on this amazing planet. You learn to trust in your skills, and might completely change your career around into something that really fulfills you.

A spiritual awakening definitely isn’t all unicorns and yoga, but if you are genuine about your process and your intentions, you do reach a state of higher consciousness that can inspire and truly help others.

And that, I think, is the real purpose of a spiritual awakening: let everyone be on their own journey, and have empathy for the thousands of people who fight every day for their lives.

If you’re craving a deeper connection with yourself and feel ready to begin again, I highly recommend this course. If you’re longing for a reset, this might be just what you need.

Have you ever heard about ayahuasca, the psychedelic plant that brings you straight to your core wounds? If you have not, let me give you a bit of an introduction.

Ayahuasca (called Yage in Colombia) is a psychoactive plant used by indigenous tribes in the Amazon for centuries. This powerful plant medicine was originally only used by shamans (or Taitas in Colombia) to heal members of their tribe. Healing can be on a physical, spiritual, or mental level.

The shamans also used it to predict the future or get information from the past during visions.

Ayahuasca is a brew that consists of two different plants: the ayahuasca vine and the chacruna leaves. These plants only grow in the jungles of Peru, Colombia, Ecuador, and Brazil. Only the combination of the two plants will allow your brain to materialize the DMT, which is one of the main psychedelic compounds of ayahuasca.

Both DMT and beta-carbolines (which are the other psychoactive ingredient in the brew) are supposed to increase brain health and reduce stress.

Modern-day use of ayahuasca

Ayahuasca retreats nowadays are gaining popularity all over the world because they’re known to be a fast-track method for mental healing. It can act as ten years of therapy in a single session. Ayahuasca can cure addictions, depression, anxiety, stress, traumas, and generally improve mental health.

According to a study, as explained by VeryWellMind:

The findings show that ayahuasca users tend to eat healthier, engage in more physical activity, suffer from fewer chronic diseases, and experience better overall well-being.

Nearly all (99.8%) of the participants who used ayahuasca during the study reported being happier and healthier after the ceremony.

Hearing the ayahuasca call

I had been intrigued by ayahuasca for a while already. I have used other psychedelics before (like peyote, magic mushrooms, and DMT) to get a better insight into who I am and how I can improve myself. They have certainly helped, but none of them were as profound as my 6-day ayahuasca experience in the jungle of Colombia.

Traditionally, you are supposed to be ‘called’ by ayahuasca. She (ayahuasca is feminine) has different ways to do this. For example, reading this article just might be your call!

I heard my call when more and more people started telling me about their experiences. In the beginning, it sounded crazy to me — who the heck signs up voluntarily to get catapulted deep inside all your mental issues?! But the more I researched it, the more curious I got.

At some point, I couldn’t resist anymore and tried a one-night ceremony in Mexico, which turned out to be nothing compared to what I was about to experience in Colombia.

Traveling to the Amazon in Colombia

I always knew I wanted to do ayahuasca in the place where it grows, the Amazon. I chose Colombia as my destination because that country had been on my bucket list for a while already, and it was easy to reach from Mexico, where I lived at that time.

And sure enough, after my experience, I am so happy I did. I really understand now how vital it is to choose a real shaman for your ayahuasca retreat, and also to preferably do it where it comes from.

So I flew to Bogota and took a 17-hour bus ride to Mocoa, a small city in the heart of Putumayo. Mocoa is the entry point to this part of the Colombian Amazon.

Note: in Colombia, a shaman is called a Taita, and ayahuasca is called Yage, so I will interchangeably use the different terms throughout this article.

What you need to know before drinking ayahuasca

Yage is no joke. It is incredibly important to use it in a ceremonial way with a Taita who has years of experience with this plant medicine. After all, you are going deep inside your mind and potentially your traumas;  you need someone to look after you.

It is common to vomit or have diarrhea during ceremonies, which they call purging. It sounds horrible, but it actually feels like you are releasing a lot of bad energy out of you. And this is exactly what Yage does: it helps you to release things that are stuck inside of you.

Yage is different for everybody; some people experience pure bliss and happiness, and others have a very dark and deep journey. It all depends on where your issues are and what needs your current attention.

You normally set an intention before a ceremony, but ultimately, Yage will choose what she wants to show you. No matter what happens to you during your trip,  it will be what you need to know at that moment.

Three ayahuasca ceremonies in six days

I chose to do three ceremonies because I heard that only one is normally not that profound. The first time you drink ayahuasca, it travels through your body and uses this first night to get to know you. It’s not uncommon to have quite a shallow experience for newbies.

A Yage ceremony should take place in nature around a fire where everybody who participates gathers. In my group, there were about five foreigners and the rest were Colombians who came to the Taita’s house for healing. The ceremony was held on the land of the shaman under a thatched roof, which is called a maloca. We also had an area with hammocks to chill if you needed a break from the others.

A Taita is deeply respected by the whole village, and all the Taitas in that area know each other as well. They help each other with their rituals, so during my ceremonies, we always had three shamans in total.

I won’t go into all the details here after I drank my first cup since it’s quite personal. But I basically got put back into my mum’s uterus a few weeks before I was supposed to be born. It felt incredibly safe and warm, and I did not want to come out. I felt the unconditional love from a mother towards her child, which made me think about how special it is that this type of love exists.

I told my baby-self that I should never doubt my decisions and my lifestyle, and that the world can be scary but also immensely beautiful. We as humans are put on this Earth to experience it to the fullest. It is quite a miracle that we have feelings and touch and emotions and can fall in love with each other!

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Nearly my whole life, I have been dealing with a fearful-avoidant attachment style, in myself as well as in others. It was always hard for me to truly connect with others or let love in. And once I got into a relationship, I pushed it away and was longing for my freedom.

I had done numerous assessments, talked to past partners, and recognized myself completely as being avoidantly attached.

But what exactly is an avoidant attachment style? And is it always connected to a certain upbringing or childhood? Do you need to heal your attachment wounds? Or perhaps your body is just trying to warn you about something that is not aligned with you?

Avoidant attachment develops in children who do not experience sensitive responses from a parent or caregiver to their needs or distress. Children with avoidant attachment may become very independent, both physically and emotionally. — Medical News today

According to the main narrative, your attachment style is configured in your childhood years. If your parent was absent, did not emotionally engage, or was overly critical, you most likely developed an avoidant attachment style. There are other attachment styles too, but for the sake of this article, I will only discuss the avoidant one.

The role of spirituality in attachment styles

If you are somewhat spiritual (like me), you probably believe in the idea that everything happens for a reason and everything is perfect the way it is. That means that you developed this avoidant attachment style with a deeper meaning behind it.

After all, nothing happens by coincidence. What if your avoidance actually means you can sense on a deeper level that somebody is not aligned with you? That is a superpower!

With all the partners I was avoidant with, I subconsciously knew that they were not the ones I was looking for. However, I was conditioned to believe it was my attachment style that I needed to heal, not change my partner.

Because at some point, I met somebody who felt completely aligned with me, and my attachment issues were suddenly not so important anymore. Of course, I still felt those avoidant tendencies, but I wanted to be with this person so deeply that I actively tried to address my attachment wounds.

I believe that the Universe brought me and him together at the right time, and despite it being incredibly painful, it was also incredibly healing. We didn’t stay together, but I knew that this person was the right one for me at that particular time in my life.

And I was not avoiding anything.

Compatibility and avoidance

Since that relationship, I have learned a lot about myself and even consider myself safely attached now. When I do online attachment tests, ‘secure’ is what comes out. After all, I am able to open up, show emotional vulnerability, and attach in a normal way to people. That is to say… to friends.

With friends, there is a much broader window to make it easier to attach to (however, if you are completely avoidant, you also won’t attach to friends). You don’t need to build your life around a friend and most likely won’t spend most of your time with them either. Your friend doesn’t expect things from you that a partner would.

But if you are with the wrong partner, this would have significant implications for your daily life. No wonder your body is signaling to avoid this person — you are just not compatible enough.

I believe, however, that if you are with the right partner, you will want to actively work on your avoidance. Simply because now you are ready for it.

The conditioning of finding love

Our society is glorifying a certain way of life. We need to find our mate at a fairly young age, get married, buy a house, and have children. Have a steady income, pay your taxes, and contribute to the greater good by simply complying with this narrative.

No wonder we get anxious when our lives don’t follow this path. We think we miss out on finding a life partner and ultimately settle for less when time seems to be running out. We ignore the signals of our bodies that this person is not right for us, and then blame it on attachment style.

What if you are just not ready yet to meet your forever partner? Maybe your life has all these amazing things in store for you, but you are so focused on partnering up that you completely miss the bigger picture.

In the meantime, you are getting constantly triggered and re-traumatized by the partners you settled for, and are being told you have to heal your (or their) attachment style.

And even though I do believe that your attachment should be secure in the end, maybe the person who is triggering your avoidant behavior is simply not the right one for you at this moment.

Opening up to the right people

Since I can remember, I have always walked a different path than what society demanded of me. I solo traveled the world since I was 19, never had a stable job or income, don’t have big savings, and don’t own a house or have a partner or kids.

And somehow, I always knew I was going to find the right person at the right time. I am 38 years old now — a reason for many people to start panicking if they are still single.

But this panic is just another form of conditioning to what society wants and not letting the Universe decide what’s meant (or not) for you.

Maybe people with insecure attachment styles are just not ready yet for that forever partnership, no matter how much they want it. Because I believe when you are ready, you will work on your attachment automatically, because that partner is right for you. That person provokes opening up to and helps you uncover things about yourself that will make you grow.

A person who is constantly triggering you is not going to give you that secure feeling. It’s simply not an energetic match, and your body knows that before you do. It’s sending you all sorts of signs, and yet you keep thinking you need to heal your attachment style (or heal your partner if you are on the other side).

Avoidance or intuition?

Two years ago, I met somebody who was annoying me a lot. He was a great guy, wanted to be with me, and gave me a lot of secure love signals.

At first, I thought it was my avoidant attachment style again kicking in. As soon as somebody comes emotionally close, I tend to push them away, and I thought that was exactly what I was doing with him, too.

What is wrong with me? I thought I had healed enough to not let my avoidance bother me again and was ready to securely attach to somebody.

But the truth is, this person was irritating me more than they should have. Not because I have unresolved issues, but simply because my intuition knows better. The triggers came from a certain behavior he had that was not aligned with me. However, it wasn’t his behavior towards me; it was his behavior in general.

My body signaled to me that this person was not okay to be with, and boom, the doubts about myself came flooding in. Was this something I needed to heal within me, or just simply an acceptance that we were not right for each other?

I think the latter.

Healing by trusting yourself

When you are in a situation like this, you can choose to get help to work through your triggers, or you can simply trust yourself. Maybe real healing takes place when you honor your body when something does not feel right.

I am fully aware that triggers can also be a trauma response, and you need to address those at some point. But when you’ve done a significant amount of healing already and you are still getting triggered all the time … maybe invest in trusting yourself first.

Perhaps you are not in the right environment with this person to heal your attachment issues. Maybe by staying with them, things only get worse. After all, you are actively ignoring your body’s signs that something is not right. That doesn’t mean they are a bad person; it just means you need to focus on yourself in a different setting. Maybe even with a different person.

It’s probably the fear of not wanting to be alone that you don’t listen to your triggers. But if there is one thing I learned on my journey, it is that everything always works out exactly the way it’s supposed to.

Triggers are teachers?

The internet is so full nowadays of opinions about all sorts of things, including being avoidant or anxiously attached, and those things are all valid. I spent a big part of my adulthood deciphering my attachment style and trying to heal it. Those articles and resources were a big help.

I agree that most of the time, a trigger can be a great teacher, showing you exactly where you need more healing. An emotional trigger is often a projection of something you need to see (or don’t see) in yourself.

But, as I move through my love life and watch those of my friends, maybe there is nothing we need to heal right now. We just need to trust that the Universe knows what’s best for us, and that includes sending us signals through, perhaps, triggers.

Don’t choose to stay with a partner who is constantly irritating you and puts your nervous system in a permanent state of fight, flight, or freeze. Be okay with being alone and not knowing what will happen.

Maybe now you need to step away from this partner to give yourself time in solitude, and when the timing is right, you will meet again. Then both of you are different people and probably won’t trigger each other so much. And then the relationship can finally flourish and will feel right on all levels.

Or maybe you need to make space for a different partner that’s waiting out there for you and won’t annoy you in all these ways. By forcing yourself to stay in situations that are not meant for you, you are delaying what is.

What if you are not meant to find a partner at all and will live your best life being single? Perhaps your freedom will fulfill you in all the ways a partner never can.

Heal yourself

I am not a psychologist; I just speak from my own experience. I also believe that you can heal your attachment wounds within your current relationship container, as long as you really want to.

And as long as the relationship feels safe.

However, I believe as well that you will know it when you meet the right person, and the triggers won’t be so severe. Simply because you are ready to heal at that time.

That said, whatever happens or whatever you believe, just keep trusting your intuition, always.

My Anxious & Avoidant Shadow Work Journal is a great first step to becoming aware of your own attachment issues, so you can start healing.

It is available as a digital download or as a print journal, in case you are interested in learning about yourself through shadow work, which was the only thing that actually worked for me.

If you had asked me five years ago if I believed in destiny, I would have laughed at you. I was very down-to-earth, did not believe in any otherworldly forces, and thought everything was just a coincidence.

How arrogant to think that we, humans, mean something in our massive Universe! I thought we were just a grain of sand in the desert, not having any impact or predestined plan. Our whole existence, according to me, was just a funny play of evolution and the Big Bang that caused some cells to interact with each other and create life.

Nothing to feel special about, right? But I couldn’t be more wrong.

Big life events are meant to happen to you

Six years ago, I met someone who completely changed my life around. I feel like everything leading up to that made me meet him.

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The world nowadays is full of self-help advice, gurus, spiritual retreats, immersive mental health programs, you name it. It might make you think something is wrong with you when you don’t embark on some kind of healing path.

Or, if you are on a healing path already, all these options might overwhelm you. When is it ever going to be enough? Will there be a time when the inner work is done, and you can just be?

Learning the lessons

I have been walking the self-discovery path for six years now, and it has completely changed me. People who know me from the outside might not see this, but my inner landscape has turned around 180 degrees.

The truth, however, is that I didn’t even realize how unhappy I was before embarking on this journey. I thought I had my life together, was traveling the world, and living in freedom.

But I kept getting into relationships that weren’t healthy, kept running away from my responsibilities, and was always chasing the next thing. When I reached that next thing, though, the new next thing was already waiting.

I was looking for external happiness because I couldn’t find it within. The lessons kept presenting themselves to me, but I was blind to them. I told myself I had no reason to feel unhappy, especially since I was living such a perfect life.

But inside my mind, something was dying. My Soul was screaming at me to do something,  and yet I kept silencing it. Looking back on it now, I had been unhappy for a long time already because I had lost the connection to my Soul.

Entering the Dark Night of the Soul

The biggest catalyst for embarking on my healing path was another failed relationship. Not just any relationship, though; he was the ultimate mirror.

Our break-up brought me to my knees in getting to know myself. I had no idea how much I could get shattered by this experience. It made me realize how incredibly vulnerable I was. How nothing was left of myself to lean on.

It catapulted me into a Dark Night of the Soul, which is pretty much a spiritual depression. The curtains suddenly open, and nothing makes sense anymore.

This stage stripped me of all my beliefs and conditioning about myself, and it brought me into a deep desire for solitude. I started doing inner child work and shadow work, which were paramount for my change.

Embrace the calling

I’ll be honest with you: embarking on this path is far from easy. In fact, it’s probably the hardest thing you will ever do. I know tons of people who scratched the surface of healing work and think it’s enough. Or they are just too afraid to let themselves fall into the depths, which is totally understandable.

But there is a reason why the lessons keep presenting themselves to you.

You need to start learning.

Feeling lonely, rejected, anxious, depressed, overwhelmed, like you are never good enough, abandoned, constantly triggered… all these emotions are there to be seen.

And they will keep showing up in your life if you don’t address them. You can distract yourself as much as you want, but these feelings will always resurface again.

Live the life you are meant to live

You might think something is wrong with you for constantly having all these emotions. But the truth is, you don’t need to change who you are at all. You are good enough exactly the way you are. The problem is that you don’t know who you are.

You don’t know how to regulate your emotions. You don’t know how to choose for yourself or set healthy boundaries. You don’t know how to make choices that are good for you. And that is why the lessons keep coming back to you.

The good news is that you can learn all these things. You can learn how to deal with your triggers and what kind of growth they bring. You can learn to self-soothe and be in your body.

You can befriend your authentic Self and be at peace with who you truly are. The core of your suffering is your Soul being severed from your Self. But it will always keep trying to make its way back to you.

Embarking on the journey

Once you are ready to go deep into your psyche, be aware of the many traps out there. You are going to be extremely vulnerable, which makes you a target for fake gurus who just want your money.

Your intuition is your biggest friend here. When something feels off, acknowledge it. Your gut feeling is a powerful tool; don’t ignore it.

If you don’t know where to begin, I would suggest finding ways to practice self-love first. And simply acknowledging that something needs to change within is a powerful first step. You will find what resonates with you at some point.

You are never done learning

You might wonder when you’ll ever be done learning. But the beauty of embarking on an inner-self journey is that you get excited about never being done.

A whole new consciousness is waiting to be discovered, and there will never be a time when you know enough. Because the more you know, the more you realize you know nothing.

“Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance.” — Confucius

And that’s the best part about learning your lessons: your life suddenly starts to get meaning, and you couldn’t be more excited about it.

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