10 Signs Your Ego Is Ruining Your Happiness

And how to stop it

Six years ago, I wrote in my diary:

“When will be the time that I can feel like I truly belong somewhere?”

It was three years after I had left my home country for the third time, in search of the perfect place with the perfect people. And one year before the pandemic hit. I was working on a sailing boat in Belize, living the ultimate free traveler life.

Waking up to dolphins jumping around our catamaran during a magnificent sunrise. I was scuba diving and sailing around little paradise islands. I did everything I wanted to do, saw 1000s of amazing things that some people can only dream about. I didn’t have any worries about money or responsibilities.

And still, I felt like something was missing.

Our ego isn’t the enemy

Our egos have been getting a lot of negative energy lately. As we become more aware of ourselves and start looking more inward, we regularly hear and read that our ego is to blame for all the negative things happening to us. The ultimate goal in spiritual teachings is often ‘to let go of your ego’.

I also wanted to dissolve my ego at the beginning of my quest to find meaning in life. I tried to always act out of love and light. Tried to make sure that everybody liked me. Always see the positive side of something, and not face my fears and shadows.

I meditated daily, trying to let go of my ego. But I also secretly judged people who were not on a spiritual path. Felt better than people around me, because “they were not there yet”.

It made me feel good for a while. It made me feel like I was finally on the right track. But something inside of me was still unhappy. I was still searching for more. I was constantly chasing paranormal experiences to find meaning. To get to the ultimate truth of being human.

But then I got a revelation: I realised I would always be looking for something more — something better — because I was always running away from myself. I moved from place to place, because I never felt happy within myself. I absorbed spiritual teachings because I didn’t look in the only place where I would find it: myself.

Our Ego Is Not All That Bad

I realised our egos should not take all the blame. We have an ego because it is part of being human. We just have to learn to be friends with it. Our ego also saves us from harm, protecting us from potentially dangerous situations. Without our egos, we wouldn’t have achieved all the incredible things we did as a human species.

It directs us into becoming better people, and helps us to improve ourselves daily. If we didn’t have an ego, we would just be eating, mating, and sleeping. Because nothing would drive us to become better. It’s one of the reasons why humans have evolved, and animals haven’t.

But it’s true that our ego can take over our life very easily too. Once it becomes successful, it doesn’t know how to stop. It’s hard to be content without achieving more and more. At that point, your ego stands in the way of your happiness. Because there is always more to achieve, and our ego doesn’t know any limits.

So, at what point is your ego getting in your way of happiness? At what point is the balance between your heart and your ego totally out of control?

Here are some signs to look out for.

1. Only external things can bring you joy.

Happiness is found within yourself. And even though some external things can make you feel happy for a short period, it won’t last. It’s great to finally be able to buy that car that you’ve always wanted or to go on that well-deserved vacation. Or to score a date with that person you’ve been eyeing for a while. But once you have it, you still have the feeling that something is missing.

You’re always craving more. Or something different. That initial happy feeling coming from something external is not durable, and soon you’ll be looking for the next thing. That’s your ego trying to make you believe that you need material things to be happy.

But as cliché as it sounds, happiness is already inside of you.

2. Your status defines who you are.

Status is a powerful thing. Everybody wants people to look up to them, to be an inspiration for others. There is nothing wrong with status, as long as it doesn’t define who you are. Are you still yourself without your status? Can you still be happy if all that you achieved falls away?

A certain status needs constant work, and it can ruin you if that’s all you live for. Think about who you are: if it wasn’t for your status, can you still be comfortable just being you?

3. You are obsessed with earning money.

This falls in the same category as living for your status, but if you are obsessed with earning money, it’s probably your ego at play. Money makes us feel powerful; we believe that money can buy us dreams, and once we have it, everything will be great.

But the thing with money is that it’s addictive. The more you have, the more you want. What if it all disappears? Will you still be the same person? Your days revolve around earning more and more money, and you don’t realise that enough is enough.

There’s a reason the saying ‘money can’t buy you happiness’ is one of the most famous ones. Money can be great if you use it wisely, but don’t get obsessed with being rich.

There is no golden pot at the end of the rainbow… because you will never ever reach it.

4. You only think about the past or the future.

Your ego loves defining who you are. It’s either trying to tell you that you are a certain person because of the things that happened in your past, or it’s only focused on who you will become in the future. But all there ever is, is this present moment.

If you have the feeling that life is slipping by while you are waiting for things to improve, you are not really living in the now. There will always be tomorrow, and there will always be yesterday. But this moment right now will never return again.

Don’t let your ego make you forget how to pause in this moment, and just be happy now.

5. You don’t appreciate the little things.

Your ego will try to make you believe that nothing is ever going to be good enough. You want fireworks in all aspects of your life. You don’t hear the beautiful sound of the little bird in the morning anymore. You don’t appreciate a stranger smiling at you for no reason.

You forget how to be grateful for the simple fact of having a roof above your head. Your ego wants bigger and better, and it will never be enough. Stop and appreciate the little things a bit more. Gratefulness is a very powerful feeling.

6. You are constantly comparing yourself to others.

Does your best friend’s relationship always seem better than yours? Does your colleague always get a better promotion? Does your body always look fatter than those of your workout buddies?

We compare ourselves because our ego feels threatened and wants more validation. But guess what? You are good enough the way you are. Anybody telling you otherwise is just speaking from their own egos because they also compare themselves to you.

We all have unique qualities, and no one is the same or has the same story. So comparing yourself to another person is never going to make you succeed in life.

7. You are controlling and possessive.

Your ego wants everything. Even things that you can never own, like another human being. Or things that another person does. That human has nothing to do with you, and you can never ‘own’ anything around him or her. Or achieve exactly what they have achieved.

You become jealous and possessive. But you still cannot control him or her. That human will eventually do or say things that you don’t want, and it’s your ego that is trying to make you feel bad about it.

Let go of the thought that you want what somebody else has, or that everybody wants what you have. You will never be able to control it, so don’t let it define your life.

8. You take everything personally.

Is somebody not answering your messages even though they are online? A ticket vendor being rude to you? A driver screaming at you in traffic?

It’s not personal. Maybe they had a bad day, maybe their egos are ruling their lives as well.

Everything another person says or does comes from them. But it’s your reaction to it that makes it personal. And your ego thinks it’s so important that it will make you believe it has something to do with you. Your life will become a lot easier if you accept that not everything is always meant to be taken personally.

People just do things beyond your control, and there is nothing you can do about it.

9. You always blame others for bad things happening to you.

Did you miss the bus in the morning? — The driver must have been too early. Did you lose your job? — Your annoying co-workers must have something to do with it. Did your car break down? — Somebody must have sold you a piece of shit.

If you feel like you’re always the victim in a bad situation, it’s your ego trying not to face its own consequences. Maybe you missed the bus because you set your alarm too late. Maybe you lost your job because you were cutting corners. Maybe your car broke down because you haven’t serviced it for years. Or maybe indeed you got sold a piece of shit.

The truth is, there will always be bad things happening to you. Blaming others doesn’t stop that from happening. Instead, try to look at the good side of a situation or change what needs to be changed. Your ego will always try to look outside of itself to deal with something, but that will only make you more unhappy.

10. You are afraid of change.

Do you dream about quitting your job to travel, but never take the step? Or do you secretly hate your partner and wish you were single again? Do you wish you lived in a rural town, but can’t get out of the city because of “obligations”?

You are stuck in your comfort zone. Your ego loves being comfy, and despite you knowing that a situation needs to change, you won’t do it. You are afraid of the consequences when you finally change your life around. But there will be no growth if nothing ever changes, and you will feel more and more stuck and unhappy.

Set your ego aside and take the leap. If it all goes wrong, at least you’ve learned something.

Eventually, you will only regret the things you didn’t do.

Some things happen to you to help you grow.

Once I became aware of these egocentric behaviours and actively started to change them, my life became so much easier. I was able to let go of things and not overthink every single detail in my life. I finally found a place where I felt like I belonged because I felt at home within myself.

Some things just happen to you or maybe even for you, so all you can do is learn from them. Whenever you feel bad about something or overreact, just pause and ask yourself if this is an ego reaction or something genuine to be worried about. 9 out of 10 times, your ego feels like it’s starting to lose control, and that’s why you feel bad.

Don’t try to completely eliminate your ego, because it is part of who you are. You are good enough with all the parts inside of you that make you you. Your ego is just another piece of your authentic self, but don’t let it stop you from being happy!