I believe there’s a new understanding in our collective consciousness about love. I start seeing it all around me: we are done with shallow relationships and toxic connections.
We are learning about our shadows and those of others. We are aware of our childhood wounds, our attachment styles, and our nervous systems.
All around me, I see people getting more conscious and opening their eyes to a new form of partnership. A form that is rooted in mutual understanding and growth, not just chemistry.
More than physical attraction
I used to think that chemistry was the number one starter for a good relationship. I was always looking for that spark and intense attraction. The rest I would figure out later, but that initial spark was mandatory for me.
And in a way, I still want that, but I also know there should be so much more than that.
I might even conclude now that that intense physical attraction is actually a red flag, especially if you have childhood trauma. After all, we often fall in love with partners who represent our parents, and especially the validation that they never gave us as kids.
Subconsciously, we are looking to reproduce that type of love. So that this time we can finally be seen and we can heal what we were missing as children.
Relationships are catalysts for growth
I’ve learned a great deal from my previous relationships. I used to fall for wounded men because I thought I could heal them with my love.
My fearful-avoidant attachment style played a huge role in this. Deep down, I wanted real love and true connection, but I was also terrified of it.
Terrified to lose it when it would finally show up.
So I sabotaged good relationships before I became too attached (my avoidant side), and fell in love with guys who would never commit to me (my anxious side).
Because deep in my shadows, I didn’t want to commit to them either. Falling for unavailable men was a ‘safe’ exit strategy, and it took me a long time to admit that to myself.
The healthy relationship
I think the point of any (especially hard) relationship is to help you grow. To help you see the inner child in you that was never seen, and give them that hug they so desperately need.
Once we realize that our relationships are a projection of ourselves, we can finally choose to heal from within first. Never put that burden on a partner; you are only responsible for yourself.
And once you’ve healed that wounded part of you, you will also understand what a healthy relationship looks like. And it has nothing to do with that intense chemistry and everything with being compatible and showing up for each other.
Green flags that somebody is ready for a healthy relationship
Most people have to go through an inner journey before they can be a good long-term partner. Some do that with current partners by their side, but most have a period of solitude before reaching that version of themselves.
And once they are ready, here are 8 undeniable green flags:
1. They take responsibility for their inner world
According to Jung, each Soul goes through a process of Individuation. It’s where you find your repressed shadows and let them come to the light. Your fragmented parts have to integrate into one whole being.
An Individuated person doesn’t blame their past, their exes, or their parents, but accepts that everything was needed to become their authentic Self.
They also understand their own projections and triggers and how they affect their partner. They take responsibility for their actions and reactions.
2. They can tolerate emotional discomfort
Nothing is more frustrating than a partner who constantly shuts down and runs away when things become uncomfortable. You cannot build a sustainable relationship with somebody who always wants to escape.
A healthy partner stays present when you share your feelings, even if they don’t like to hear them. They don’t ghost you after a hard conversation and can stay with you through the tension.
They are willing to repair and take a look inside themselves as well when there is conflict.
3. They are aware of their shadows
We all have shadows, and nobody is perfect. A person who understands their shadows can recognize them when they come up and work on them.
They don’t pretend to be ‘all light’ and are aware their partner has shadows as well. The goal is not to punish our dark side, but to integrate it.
A healthy partner has worked on themselves and admits insecurity, jealousy, or envy without becoming defensive. They also understand that their partner sometimes slips and doesn’t punish them for that.
4. They don’t need you to complete them
This is a hard one, especially in anxious-avoidant relationships. Many people are very codependent on their partner. They feel like they wouldn’t be complete without them and do everything to make the other one stay.
Or, on the opposite side of that spectrum is the avoidant who thinks they don’t need anybody and they can do everything alone.
The truth is in the middle: we need interdependence. We should be whole by ourselves with our own lives and passions, so we can share that with a partner and build something bigger together.
5. They choose love over their ego
Jung stated we all have four core archetypes: The Persona (the mask you wear for social approval), The Self (the authentic you), The Shadow (the suppressed parts of you), and the Anima/Animus (the inner feminine and masculine).
Many people in this world operate from the Persona, just because we need external validation so much.
But a healthy partner operates from the Self and is not attached to the other masks. They don’t care about preserving their ego or pride, but always choose love instead.
6. They can regulate their nervous system
Most of our triggers and conflicts come from an unregulated nervous system. One partner feels inadequate or fearful and lashes out. Their nervous system is trying to protect them from perceived danger.
But a healthy partner found ways to regulate their nervous system and knows that all triggers are teachers. They are aware of their body before they react and know how to calm down.
They also have compassion for their partner’s nervous system, but don’t become martyrs in the meantime. They choose regulated partners for themselves as well.
7. They celebrate you
A healthy long-term partner celebrates your successes and your path to becoming whole. They don’t make you dependent on them and encourage you to work on yourself, even if that’s uncomfortable.
They see a relationship as an expansion of themselves and are genuinely happy to see you thrive. Your happiness is their happiness.
A healthy partner doesn’t compete with you and encourages you to become the best version of yourself (without becoming controlling).
8. They are willing to repair
No relationship can be healthy if one partner is not willing to repair. Every relationship will have conflict and discussions, but it becomes toxic if there is constant fighting and no improvement in communication.
A healthy partner wants to resolve conflict and understand the other one deeply, not just get their way.
This means they can apologize and don’t weaponize vulnerability later. They will change their behavior if that is necessary for the relationship to grow.
You attract what you send out
If you read this list and are wondering where you will find people like that, the first step is to look within. The Universe responds to vibration, not to what you want.
If you become a healthy partner, you will attract a healthy partner. That doesn’t mean you will never meet toxic people again. But if you are aware of what safe love should feel like, you will walk away earlier from a person who is not good for you.
And safe love feels like a warm bath. It nourishes you and calms you and makes you feel safe and secure. It doesn’t put your nervous system on edge, but regulates it.
Physical attraction is also important
There is no mention of physical attraction in these 8 signs, but I think that is also an important factor in a long-term relationship. We need that bodily connection, and conscious sex is the best form of sex (I personally think).
A healthy partner worships your body and treats it like something sacred. There is so much beauty in having a fully aware physical attraction to someone and devoting yourself to that.
We often dismiss this desire in long-term relationships, but without it, you will just become best friends.
Take care of your own body before you give it to somebody else. The relationship with yourself is as important.
The ultimate green flag
No relationship will work if there is no commitment to growth. All the other green flags can be achieved, but the first requirement is conscious awareness.
If somebody doesn’t want to grow in and for the relationship, they won’t be a healthy partner. Love cannot be stagnant; it’s a moving energy in constant search for deepening.
And remember, nobody is perfect — we are all learning in this life. But if they are committed to becoming whole with you (not through you), then you can grow into a healthy, long-term partnership.
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This is poignant and so intuitive! Commitment to growth is a gold standard, and I think we aren't as intentional about this as we need to be (as adults). The green flag I keep coming back to in relationships is someone who can hear “that hurt me” without immediately needing to defend themselves.
You can be imperfect, have bad days, get things wrong, and still be a good partner. What matters is what happens after the inevitable stuff goes sideways.
Can we talk about it? Can you own your part? Can I do the same? Can we intentionally change something afterwards? Without that, we aren't going anywhere good.
I’ve been thinking about a past relationship a lot lately. This article reminded me to not romanticise the past and to be honest about the reality of the relationship. He never had the willingness to repair every time had a conflict. Thanks for the reminder!