How To Find Real Inner Peace
5 honest tips if you are truly ready to embrace it (and many are not)
The more I learn, the less I know.
Over the past six years, I have devoured spiritual and self-healing books, been on numerous psychedelic journeys, watched countless YouTube videos on trauma, and meditated for hours. I had profound insights and luckily was able to spend a lot of time alone in nature.
But having to function again in normal everyday society makes me wonder … what if all the inner work leads to nowhere? I am once again trying to fit into a mold that I tried so hard to break free from.
Healing in a high-functioning society
I have spent the last five years living in the desert in Mexico. These years were the most catalytic of my life, not only because the pandemic forced me to put the brakes on my nomadic lifestyle, but mostly because I had to face the darkness that had been surrounding me since I could remember.
I think many people come face-to-face with their shadow at least once in their lives. But when it shows up, you still have to welcome it into your house. I had the privilege of being surrounded by nature with no job or financial responsibilities when mine forced its way into my life. It gave me the chance to dive deep into the psyche of my being. Finally learning who I am.
It made me enter into a Dark Night of The Soul, which is basically another word for spiritual depression. My whole life, I had pretended to be someone I am not, and now I had to face that. I lost touch with everything that mattered to me before, and there were times when I just wanted to leave this world. But it also gave me the chance to start from zero again with newborn eyes to the beauty surrounding me.
And after those years inside the Dark Night of the Soul, I came to the conclusion that I don’t exist, but I am part of everything that surrounds me.
Coming back into normal life
I am very well aware of the luxury of being able to be in solitude while undergoing my Dark Night. I lived in a beautiful rent-free house with the ocean within walking distance of me. Some of my friends were undergoing similar journeys, so I had time and space to talk about my insights.
Without these circumstances, I would probably not have been ready to face the darkness. It’s a journey that requires immense dedication and devotion, diving deeper and deeper into the core of who you are. And many people simply don’t have time for that.
Most of us have to pay mortgages, raise kids, and navigate complicated relationships. How would you ever have time enough to heal yourself? No wonder that when the darkness shows up, you push it away. I don’t blame you.
But this is exactly the reason why people become depressed, burned out, get all sorts of diseases, and sometimes even commit suicide. The darkness is within, and it is going to show up no matter what.
Get out of your comfort zone
You might wonder if facing the darkness is worth it. Why make yourself feel even lower than you already are? You probably have found a way to make it comfortable to live your life this way now. Your situation is not ideal, but hey, it’s not that bad, right?
I see it all around me: people are just “okay”. Not happy, not sad. They learned to live with the choices they made and get comfy in their comfort zone. But you will never grow in your comfort zone.
When the darkness presents itself, embrace it. This is where you will learn the most. The darkness can come from a broken relationship, a loss you have to endure, a situation at work you can’t escape from, or simply a dark cloud hanging above your head all the time.
The truth is, you are not okay with what’s happening to you. You try to make peace with it, but it just comes back in another form. You make excuses for why things happen the way they do and hold on to beliefs you have built around your safety.
Inner peace is real
But safety is an illusion if you are not safe within yourself. For me, coming back home to the Netherlands made me aware that, yes, inner peace also exists there. I tried to run away from this country for over ten years, trying to find something outside of myself.
I can now finally say that I can live my life authentically. I can flow with life as it comes, and ride the wave of how it presents itself to me. Whatever happens, I know it passes, and it’s a lesson. Everything that triggers me is an invitation to take a moment in introspection to see what’s really going on.
After all, a trigger shows you where there is still hurt inside. When you learn to flow with your triggers, inner peace follows. You start to accept that hurt will always be part of your life. And so will happiness.
You can’t hold on to attachments anymore because you create none. The Buddha once said that all attachments are suffering, and this is true. You try to hold on to something that just wants to pass by.
“Attachment leads to suffering.” — Gautama Buddha
The world is a construct of your mind
Have you ever wondered why some people seem to have it all? They get the best jobs, the nicest houses, and their lives just seem amazing. But you can get any of those things, too. You just have to believe in it.
If you don’t believe you’re worthy of those things, they will not show up. The world around you responds to the thoughts inside you. If you think you’re broken, you will attract brokenness into your life.
You create your own reality because the world around you would not exist without you in it. You observe the world from the place you’re at. If you’re at peace, you will experience peace no matter what happens to you.
It’s not that happy people don’t experience pain. Life is all about balance, and where happiness enters, pain is also part of it. But peaceful people accept this constant changeability of life.
Sadly, most people learned to live so comfortably with pain that they don’t even want peace anymore. Attracting (and thus chasing) drama is a painful addiction that needs a lot of courage to let go of.
Are you ready to go through the withdrawal effects of your addiction before reaching peace?
Tips to reach inner peace
Inner peace doesn’t mean constant happiness. Our whole world is shaped around balance; it is simply impossible to always be happy. Inner peace means that you flow with whatever happens to you.
But how do you do that if everything around you feels like it’s against you? Here are some tips:
1. Know thyself
I think the first step to inner peace is to get to know yourself. Who are you really? What experiences have shaped you? What makes you happy? What makes you sad? And why?
And most of all, what triggers you? Whatever triggers you is a lesson to dive deeper. Journaling and reading self-help books can help you in this stage.
2. Meditation and mindfulness
I know it’s cliché, but meditation is essential for inner peace. You can finally see your thoughts passing by instead of engaging in them constantly. And in this stillness, profound insights occur.
Don’t give up if you think you can’t meditate. Nobody can in the beginning. Your head goes crazy with thoughts, and this is all normal. But if you’re consistent, you will experience moments of silence at some point.
Make time in your day to meditate (even just for 5 minutes), and you will see that it gets easier. For me, guided meditations on YouTube helped me a lot.
3. Practice minimalism
Materialistic stuff and things you don’t need just distract you. Besides that, they form another attachment that can worry you. If you possess a lot of things, chances are higher that you will eventually lose them. If you don’t get attached to things, you’ll suffer less.
Because we as humans naturally attach to stuff. Simplify your life (and your mind) by de-cluttering your house and getting rid of all the excess stuff.
4. Take care of yourself
Your body and your mind are implicitly connected. If you don’t take care of your health, you can’t take care of your mind either.
Eat healthy and take time to prepare your meals. Stop drinking alcohol excessively. Don’t smoke. Practice sports. Listen to your body when you are sick. Rest and have gratitude for your health.
Accept your body for what it is and don’t try to change it externally. Embrace getting older.
5. Go with the flow
This is why most people can’t feel inner peace. They don’t accept situations as they come and want to change the circumstances. They try to explain or justify why it has happened.
But sometimes things just happen… because. There is no explanation for it. You’re not being punished, you’re not the victim.
Things just happen.
For example, someone breaks into your house. This sucks. But you can’t change it. It already happened, and you lost some things (another reason to not have much stuff). It’s gone, and it will (most likely) not return.
You can dwell on this event forever and be angry and sad about it, but in the end, you will have to accept it. You create your own suffering by trying to find an explanation for it, or by soaking yourself in self-pity.
If you learn to go with the flow, you will also know that these things pass. Humans are extremely resilient, and you can overcome whatever happens to you.
Inner peace takes devotion
The main reason why many people don’t reach inner peace is that it takes devotion. You can’t expect to feel peaceful after one week of meditation. Monks spend years and years in monasteries and live a very sober life. And they are still learning every day.
Maybe that is the key to real inner peace: expect that you will be a lifelong student. Don’t desire inner peace because you’re focused on the final destination. Feel inner peace for where you’re at right now.
It’s not a badge you earn because you spent some time healing yourself. It’s a way of life, and this is an ongoing journey. Life takes you to unexpected places sometimes, and wherever a door closes, another one opens.
Embrace the darkness, and you will soon dwell in the light.
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