The Four Ingredients Humans Need When They Choose a Partner

The difference between what women vs what men need to commit to someone

The popular social media psychologist Sadia Khan is quickly gaining followers with her controversial approach to relationships.

With an online world full of a victim mentality towards people with relationship issues, she cuts to the chase and tells you that you are as much part of the story as the other.

• People pulling away from you? Look at yourself first to understand why they made that choice.

• Frustrated that you can’t get a person to love you? Perhaps you need to learn to love yourself first.

• Your partner doesn’t want to have sex with you? Where is your own fault in this?

Another social media psychology guru

I am not saying I agree with her content (much of it is very harsh), but there is some truth in her posts. Sadia Khan tells us what we are not ready to admit: that we need to take accountability for our own choices.

We all carry baggage; we all went through something that might have damaged us. It’s time to take your power back by facing your own truth first. You need to do your own work if you want a fulfilling relationship. Nobody else will do it for you.

That’s true for your whole life, by the way. Complaining about your job, house, country, partner, children, or anything else that bothers you — you are the one staying. Nobody asked you to put up with it.

And if you do need to stay, you were the one who chose it in the first place.

Maybe you made those choices when you had no idea about what you wanted yet, and thought it would all work out. And it sucks that it doesn’t.

But right now, you do have a choice: either stay and figure it out for yourself, or leave and don’t look back.

The three ingredients to commit to a relationship

Sadia came up with the three A’s (for women) and the three L’s (for men) that are required to have a good romantic relationship.

These are: Attraction, Adoration, and Admiration for women. And Lust, Labor, and Loyalty for men. Let me explain this.

The three A’s

For a woman to commit to a long-lasting relationship, she needs these three ingredients:

Attraction

A woman has to be physically Attracted to a man to even consider him. I know many women who choose a man based on his ‘father’ or ‘provider’ qualities, but this is a recipe for problems later on.

Attraction is vital to making a relationship fulfilling, and both men and women must continually work on keeping the attraction alive.

Adoration

A woman needs to feel Adored by a man. This enhances her femininity and makes her feel special, so she wants to stay with him.

According to Sadia, a man has to keep showing up for her to demonstrate she’s truly worth it for him. If he doesn’t adore her, she will be very likely to find that in another man and just keep her current partner as a back-up plan (her words, not mine).

Admiration

The third A is Admiration. This means a woman needs to admire her man. She will commit to him when she sees that he is healthy, financially stable, has his shit together, and can provide for her in the ways she needs.

This doesn’t mean he has to do all the work and carry her around like a princess. It just means that she feels safe in his presence and in his ability to take care of her, especially emotionally.

If a woman is into a guy because he needs help (which happens very often), and she thinks she can fix him, that will not lead to a fulfilling relationship.

What if one ingredient is missing?

If any of these compounds are missing, according to Sadia, a relationship will not last. If, for example, there is a high attraction towards each other, but a man is constantly drunk, broke, or aggressive (thus missing Admiration), a woman will not accept him as a good partner, and the relationship will turn toxic.

Or if a man adores a woman and puts her on a pedestal and is constantly chasing her, but there is no Attraction, it will feel like he is obsessed with her, and she will pull away.

Maybe a man is Admirable and stable, plus there is Attraction, but if he constantly looks at other women (Adoration for his own woman is missing), then the relationship will turn sour.

The three L’s

Men also need certain qualities in a woman to have a good relationship. According to Sadia, these are:

Lust

There has to be a certain form of Lust for a man to commit to a woman. It’s part of their DNA to feel sexual attraction to the female body (if they’re straight), and it’s why many men are so obsessed with sex.

If a man only chooses a woman because he is afraid to end up alone, or because he thinks she’s a good mother to his future children, but there is no lust at all, the relationship won’t last, or he will probably cheat.

Loyalty

A man needs to know his woman is Loyal to him. He needs reassurance that he is good enough, and she won’t walk away with somebody else. She needs to be emotionally stable to keep choosing him and not be a drama queen.

A woman showing loyalty is perceived as trustworthy, and the man will take her seriously. Of course, this loyalty should be mutual.

Labor

A man naturally likes to provide for his woman. This means he wants to do financial, emotional, or physical Labor to help her out. If a woman refuses any care from a man, he will likely think she doesn’t need him and that she is perfectly fine by herself.

This will make him insecure and eventually resentful. Sadia says a man has to be invested in a woman to make it worth staying. If she doesn’t receive any of his investment, the relationship will feel one-sided, and he will eventually leave.

The missing A

I can’t speak for any missing “L’s” because I am not a man, but I do find there is a missing “A” for women. I personally can be Attracted to a man, Admire him, and also feel Adored by him, but this still doesn’t mean I want a committed relationship.

For me, these three ingredients are indeed vital, but if there is not this fourth A, it still won’t work:

The fourth one is Alignment.

What I mean by Alignment is that I need to feel that our values match. I need to see that we are on a similar life journey and have been through some life lessons. I need to understand that a man is ready for a partnership and not still grieving his ex or constantly looking for a new woman.

We are Aligned if we have both done the work on our relationship triggers and are ready for a true partnership. Not because a man has a fantasy in his head about somebody I am not.

Alignment also means we have a similar life path. If a man is chasing status, materialism, and money, it won’t be a match for me.

Don’t settle for less

I swear by needing that Alignment to have a fulfilling relationship.

A lot of people settle for less because they are afraid to end up alone. And when their partners then pull away, they blame it all on them.

What I like about Sadia’s approach is that she provokes you to look in the mirror. Don’t become a victim. If somebody doesn’t want you, for whatever ‘A’ or ‘L’ might be missing, it’s time to look at why you chose this person in the first place.

You deserve somebody who is fully committed to you, and if they don’t, there is a reason for it. Accept the reason and look at what might have been missing from your side.

Believing in the One

There is also a lot I don’t like about Sadia’s posts. She is not very compassionate, believes a man should be ‘high value’ to deserve a woman, and that you need to become someone else in order to be chosen.

I don’t think we have to become anybody for the right person. You will just know it if you are meant for each other. And this has to be mutual (I can’t stress this enough). All of Sadia’s ingredients make sense, but don’t force them if they are not naturally there.

The perfect person doesn’t exist, but the perfect timing does. I believe there are multiple ‘Ones’ in our lives, and each brings its own lessons. Trust that whoever comes on your path is there for a reason. But don’t become a victim when things don’t work out.

Believe that some day everything will work out, and with the right person. You just need to love yourself first.

And you don’t need any ‘ingredients’ to explain that to you.

---

If you’re craving a deeper connection with yourself and feel ready to begin again, I highly recommend this course. If you’re ready for a reset this new year, this might be just what you need.¹

1. (There are affiliate links in this post, which means I earn a percentage of your purchase. I don’t promote anything I don’t use myself or that I don’t think will genuinely help you. Thank you for supporting my writing!)