What a Forced Spiritual Awakening Feels Like
Grieving the person I once was
My path into spirituality was probably the most confusing period in my life. I didn’t want anything to do with ‘woo woo’ spiritual stuff and tried to stay far away from anything mystical. And I surely didn’t sign up to be ‘a spiritual person’.
And honestly, I don’t like the way we overuse the word ‘spiritual’ nowadays. Having a certain awareness is probably a better way to describe it.
The moment I realized I had no choice but to embrace that awareness fully, a whole new life opened up for me. I wouldn’t trade this experience for anything else, and I even feel so much gratitude now for my Dark Night of the Soul.
I wouldn’t be who I am today without peeling away all the layers of myself, which I am still in the process of doing. It’s a painful realization to discover that you are the center of your own hurt and contribute to that daily.
But you’re also the center of your own salvation.
The glimpse of awakening
A spiritual awakening is different for everyone, but in general, it’s meant to wake you up from the toxic life you’re living. Your Soul is craving for truth, and you can’t keep running away from yourself any longer.
(Or, actually, you can, and many people do.)
All the external distractions, all the emotional triggers, all the anxiety and insecurities … you are causing them to yourself. You can’t change what happens to you, but you can change how it’s affecting you. However, you have to do the work. And this is not an easy process.
Many people get a glimpse of that awareness in their lives, but choose to turn their backs on it again. It’s much easier to crawl back into the cocoon of your comfort zone, whether that involves drinking, drugs, smoking, excessive sex/porn, toxic relationships, unhealthy eating habits, or anything that you know is actually bad for you.
But you’re more powerful than you think. You can walk away from all of that and listen to your Soul’s voice. It starts as a whisper, but eventually becomes the driving force in your life. And it guides you towards what’s truly right for you.
You are not who you used to be
The journey to reach that stage has many ups and downs, with the biggest down being an existential crisis. This is the moment everything around you crumbles away, and you are left with just yourself and your lifetime of decisions. This is the ultimate test to see if you’re ready to transform.
This stage is already extremely hard as it is by itself, but it becomes even harder due to the external influences around you. Oftentimes, an inner transformation requires you to step away from toxic friendships and anybody else who doesn’t support your growth.
You start to realize that most people operate from their own hurt and are addicted to the same distractions as you once were. But you are not that person anymore.
So when they reach out to you and complain that “you aren’t who you used to be”, it feels like a dagger in your heart.
You are not who you used to be because that person wasn’t the real version of you. You are not who you used to be because you choose to live a healthy, sustainable life now. You are not who you used to be because you finally had the courage to step away from that version of yourself.
That should feel like an accomplishment, not like a dagger.
So why is it still so painful to hear those words?
No, I can’t just have fun again
During my lowest moments, I wish I never had to enter into this transformation bullshit. Why did I have to be the first one of my friends to go through that? Why did I have to be the first one to start questioning our alcohol and drug abuse? Why couldn’t I skip the night any longer and not think about tomorrow?
Why couldn’t I just have fun anymore?
What happened to the extroverted, social person I once was? Do you think it was nice for me to lose her? It was extremely confusing not to feel the desire to just have fun any longer. It was extremely painful to stay at home on Saturday nights, wishing I could be dancing the night away, but also knowing that wasn’t me anymore. It triggered my FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) incredibly.
Instead, I sat on my couch reading spiritual books and trying to understand the depths of my being. Instead, I woke up early to meditate, do yoga, and listen to the birds in my garden. Instead, I said no to alcohol and parties and focused on creating healthy habits.
Habits which, by the way, don’t come easy. It takes at least two months to change a habit, and then you still need to always be conscious about it. You still need to make the same decision over and over again to not step back into your comfort zone.
Transforming yourself is hard work.
Nobody understands you
But it was in those moments I felt most alive. It was in those moments that I could finally cry for myself — something I never allowed myself to do. It was in those moments that I felt One with everything and let Mother Nature flow through my veins.
I stripped myself of all my old beliefs and bad habits. I started to believe in my own healing. I dissected my insecurities and where they came from. I went back to my childhood and how it affected me. I finally understood my people-pleasing tendencies and why they have formed me into the person I am today.
I said goodbye to many friends, which caused me a few very lonely years. Meditation, yoga, journaling, and spirituality became my daily go-tos. It was the first time I finally felt at peace with who I was and didn’t try to change myself to be liked by others.
So when people told me to loosen up a little and just have fun again, I knew I had to stay true to myself. That doesn’t mean it’s nice to hear those things. I am fully aware that I should loosen up a little.
But I am also fully aware that everything comes at the right time. Maybe now is not the time for me to just have fun again. Maybe I have to think deeply right now. I probably should not loosen up a little at this moment.
Because maybe then I will lose myself again.
It doesn’t come easy
Nowadays, I often hear my friends say how disciplined I am in my practices. And that I am inspiring them to also step into their power. Those are the most beautiful things to tell somebody who is going through an inner transformation. Those words are so much more impactful than trying to look for the person who ‘still had fun’.
Because my version of fun is different right now.
My version of fun is having deep talks about the Universe and the mind and how we create our own reality. My version of fun is looking at the stars at night, wondering what on Earth we are really doing here and how we impact everything around us. My version of fun is truly connecting with others — not getting loose at parties and drinking the night away.
So, yes, I might be boring to most people, but I’d rather be boring than trying to fit myself into somebody I am not.
And I am here to tell you that you can do the same if you feel lost. You have the power to choose what’s right for you. If you are going through a dark period right now, know it’s difficult for a reason. The light doesn’t show up before going through the darkness.
But you have to go through it, not steer away from it. You have to actively keep changing your habits. You have to make decisions that are painful for you. And you have to make decisions that are painful for others.
Sometimes you have to let go of people in order to grow and let them grow. Just like you have to let go of the person you once were.
And then ‘just have fun again’ will suddenly have a whole different meaning.
Has this article helped you, and want to support my writing? I would be super grateful if you could Buy Me a Coffee. Thank you so much!