Nearly my whole life, I have been dealing with a fearful-avoidant attachment style, in myself as well as in others. It was always hard for me to truly connect with others or let love in. And once I got into a relationship, I pushed it away and was longing for my freedom.
I had done numerous assessments, talked to past partners, and recognized myself completely as being avoidantly attached.
But what exactly is an avoidant attachment style? And is it always connected to a certain upbringing or childhood? Do you need to heal your attachment wounds? Or perhaps your body is just trying to warn you about something that is not aligned with you?
Avoidant attachment develops in children who do not experience sensitive responses from a parent or caregiver to their needs or distress. Children with avoidant attachment may become very independent, both physically and emotionally. — Medical News today
According to the main narrative, your attachment style is configured in your childhood years. If your parent was absent, did not emotionally engage, or was overly critical, you most likely developed an avoidant attachment style. There are other attachment styles too, but for the sake of this article, I will only discuss the avoidant one.
The role of spirituality in attachment styles
If you are somewhat spiritual (like me), you probably believe in the idea that everything happens for a reason and everything is perfect the way it is. That means that you developed this avoidant attachment style with a deeper meaning behind it.
After all, nothing happens by coincidence. What if your avoidance actually means you can sense on a deeper level that somebody is not aligned with you? That is a superpower!
With all the partners I was avoidant with, I subconsciously knew that they were not the ones I was looking for. However, I was conditioned to believe it was my attachment style that I needed to heal, not change my partner.
Because at some point, I met somebody who felt completely aligned with me, and my attachment issues were suddenly not so important anymore. Of course, I still felt those avoidant tendencies, but I wanted to be with this person so deeply that I actively tried to address my attachment wounds.
I believe that the Universe brought me and him together at the right time, and despite it being incredibly painful, it was also incredibly healing. We didn’t stay together, but I knew that this person was the right one for me at that particular time in my life.
And I was not avoiding anything.
Compatibility and avoidance
Since that relationship, I have learned a lot about myself and even consider myself safely attached now. When I do online attachment tests, ‘secure’ is what comes out. After all, I am able to open up, show emotional vulnerability, and attach in a normal way to people. That is to say… to friends.
With friends, there is a much broader window to make it easier to attach to (however, if you are completely avoidant, you also won’t attach to friends). You don’t need to build your life around a friend and most likely won’t spend most of your time with them either. Your friend doesn’t expect things from you that a partner would.
But if you are with the wrong partner, this would have significant implications for your daily life. No wonder your body is signaling to avoid this person — you are just not compatible enough.
I believe, however, that if you are with the right partner, you will want to actively work on your avoidance. Simply because now you are ready for it.
The conditioning of finding love
Our society is glorifying a certain way of life. We need to find our mate at a fairly young age, get married, buy a house, and have children. Have a steady income, pay your taxes, and contribute to the greater good by simply complying with this narrative.
No wonder we get anxious when our lives don’t follow this path. We think we miss out on finding a life partner and ultimately settle for less when time seems to be running out. We ignore the signals of our bodies that this person is not right for us, and then blame it on attachment style.
What if you are just not ready yet to meet your forever partner? Maybe your life has all these amazing things in store for you, but you are so focused on partnering up that you completely miss the bigger picture.
In the meantime, you are getting constantly triggered and re-traumatized by the partners you settled for, and are being told you have to heal your (or their) attachment style.
And even though I do believe that your attachment should be secure in the end, maybe the person who is triggering your avoidant behavior is simply not the right one for you at this moment.
Opening up to the right people
Since I can remember, I have always walked a different path than what society demanded of me. I solo traveled the world since I was 19, never had a stable job or income, don’t have big savings, and don’t own a house or have a partner or kids.
And somehow, I always knew I was going to find the right person at the right time. I am 38 years old now — a reason for many people to start panicking if they are still single.
But this panic is just another form of conditioning to what society wants and not letting the Universe decide what’s meant (or not) for you.
Maybe people with insecure attachment styles are just not ready yet for that forever partnership, no matter how much they want it. Because I believe when you are ready, you will work on your attachment automatically, because that partner is right for you. That person provokes opening up to and helps you uncover things about yourself that will make you grow.
A person who is constantly triggering you is not going to give you that secure feeling. It’s simply not an energetic match, and your body knows that before you do. It’s sending you all sorts of signs, and yet you keep thinking you need to heal your attachment style (or heal your partner if you are on the other side).
Avoidance or intuition?
Two years ago, I met somebody who was annoying me a lot. He was a great guy, wanted to be with me, and gave me a lot of secure love signals.
At first, I thought it was my avoidant attachment style again kicking in. As soon as somebody comes emotionally close, I tend to push them away, and I thought that was exactly what I was doing with him, too.
What is wrong with me? I thought I had healed enough to not let my avoidance bother me again and was ready to securely attach to somebody.
But the truth is, this person was irritating me more than they should have. Not because I have unresolved issues, but simply because my intuition knows better. The triggers came from a certain behavior he had that was not aligned with me. However, it wasn’t his behavior towards me; it was his behavior in general.
My body signaled to me that this person was not okay to be with, and boom, the doubts about myself came flooding in. Was this something I needed to heal within me, or just simply an acceptance that we were not right for each other?
I think the latter.
Healing by trusting yourself
When you are in a situation like this, you can choose to get help to work through your triggers, or you can simply trust yourself. Maybe real healing takes place when you honor your body when something does not feel right.
I am fully aware that triggers can also be a trauma response, and you need to address those at some point. But when you’ve done a significant amount of healing already and you are still getting triggered all the time … maybe invest in trusting yourself first.
Perhaps you are not in the right environment with this person to heal your attachment issues. Maybe by staying with them, things only get worse. After all, you are actively ignoring your body’s signs that something is not right. That doesn’t mean they are a bad person; it just means you need to focus on yourself in a different setting. Maybe even with a different person.
It’s probably the fear of not wanting to be alone that you don’t listen to your triggers. But if there is one thing I learned on my journey, it is that everything always works out exactly the way it’s supposed to.
Triggers are teachers?
The internet is so full nowadays of opinions about all sorts of things, including being avoidant or anxiously attached, and those things are all valid. I spent a big part of my adulthood deciphering my attachment style and trying to heal it. Those articles and resources were a big help.
I agree that most of the time, a trigger can be a great teacher, showing you exactly where you need more healing. An emotional trigger is often a projection of something you need to see (or don’t see) in yourself.
But, as I move through my love life and watch those of my friends, maybe there is nothing we need to heal right now. We just need to trust that the Universe knows what’s best for us, and that includes sending us signals through, perhaps, triggers.
Don’t choose to stay with a partner who is constantly irritating you and puts your nervous system in a permanent state of fight, flight, or freeze. Be okay with being alone and not knowing what will happen.
Maybe now you need to step away from this partner to give yourself time in solitude, and when the timing is right, you will meet again. Then both of you are different people and probably won’t trigger each other so much. And then the relationship can finally flourish and will feel right on all levels.
Or maybe you need to make space for a different partner that’s waiting out there for you and won’t annoy you in all these ways. By forcing yourself to stay in situations that are not meant for you, you are delaying what is.
What if you are not meant to find a partner at all and will live your best life being single? Perhaps your freedom will fulfill you in all the ways a partner never can.
Heal yourself
I am not a psychologist; I just speak from my own experience. I also believe that you can heal your attachment wounds within your current relationship container, as long as you really want to.
And as long as the relationship feels safe.
However, I believe as well that you will know it when you meet the right person, and the triggers won’t be so severe. Simply because you are ready to heal at that time.
That said, whatever happens or whatever you believe, just keep trusting your intuition, always.
My Anxious & Avoidant Shadow Work Journal is a great first step to becoming aware of your own attachment issues, so you can start healing.
It is available as a digital download or as a print journal, in case you are interested in learning about yourself through shadow work, which was the only thing that actually worked for me.
I see myself in everything you say. I, too, have been always been independent travelling the world, attracting men that have questioned my need for healing, but also realised that deep down, at 40, I didn't want a proper relationship anyway (nor marriage or kids). I'm also spiritual so see the meaning in everything. So grateful for all the 'failed' relationships 💫