When The Avoidant Meets The Right One

This will happen

I am reluctant to write this article, but I feel it needs to be put out there. I have been fearful-avoidant attached most of my life, and I am very aware of the stress I have caused to some of my partners.

Avoidants are often pictured as the evil force in an otherwise beautiful relationship. They are the reason that things don’t work out and take most of the blame, according to a lot of online content.

And that is often the case; avoidants are very hard partners to be with. I have been avoidant, and I have dated avoidants, and the push-pull is exhausting.

Meeting the right One

The truth is, avoidants crave love as much as anyone else; they are just terrified of it. But when somebody with an avoidant attachment style partners up with a person who is not right for them, their avoidance gets even worse.

I can personally attest to this because it happened to me as well. I always knew there was somebody out there who would not feel like I was being tricked into a partnership.

And there was.

I met him six years ago, after a 3-year relationship where I had been extremely avoidant.

Why do we have certain attachment styles?

We develop our attachment style mostly in childhood, where our parents/caretakers should be the example of unconditional love. But when love gets conditional, the child learns to behave a certain way to receive that love.

For avoidant people, this means they created a defense mechanism to protect their heart. They learned that love is not safe and that they can only rely on themselves.

So when a partner shows up in their adult life, they still feel the need to protect themselves for love. It’s their inner shadow saying: “Love will be painful, don’t let yourself get hurt”.

It’s a long and hard journey to understand those patterns in yourself, but the right partner will make you face all your fears.

What does ‘the right one’ mean?

When I am talking about the right partner, I don’t mean it’s some magical person who suddenly heals the avoidant. Quite the opposite.