The world works in mysterious ways. We will never find out how somebody else’s mind works. The only thing you can figure out is yourself, and even that is a very hard thing to do for most people.
When you are, or have been, in a relationship with somebody who is avoidant attached, you are probably searching everywhere for answers.
Why couldn’t they let your love in? Why were they so hard to get close to? Why did they just discard you like that?
The truth will be somewhere in the middle, but I am speaking from my own experience in this article. I am a former fearful-avoidant, and I know exactly what effect I used to have on people.
I hope to give you some insights into how our brains work through this post.
Attachment styles are not the enemy
Since I can remember, I have always believed in the One. I don’t believe the One is perfect, nor do I believe there is only one One. I think the right people enter your life at the right moment.
And also exit at the right moment.
This human life is meant to make our Souls grow, and we grow the most in the biggest pain. It’s unfortunate, but this is generally how it works.
When I was 21 years old, I tried to be with somebody who was dismissive-avoidant, and it was very hard. I had no idea about attachment styles back then, and all I did was blame that guy for having commitment issues. I didn’t look at myself and what my role in the relationship was. I behaved very anxiously during that experience.
Now, 17 years later, I know exactly what was going on, since I am on the other side of the spectrum now. I think the experience of trying to be with him made me more avoidant afterwards; I did not want to allow myself to get hurt so much again.
But the truth was: He was just not that into me. And he did me a favor by pushing me away.
The fear of being alone
Our society is built around finding a partner. We feel like we failed if we haven’t found somebody, and most of us are settling for less. Yes, relationships take work, but being with the wrong person is worse.
I was single for a long time and never understood the girls who dreamt of princess weddings. Of course, I also had the fantasy of meeting my forever partner, but I was never afraid to be alone. Lonely, yes — but alone, no.
I actually loved being independent. It made me able to travel the world from a young age, thrive alone as a woman, and not depend on anyone else for my happiness.
Was my attachment style part of this? Sure. There was a time I was actually grateful to be avoidantly attached. Nobody could come close enough to hurt me. I was 100% responsible for my own life.