Why The Dark Night of The Soul Is The Best Thing That Can Happen In Your Life
The power of a spiritual depression that will transform you
The Dark Night of the Soul is a term coined by St. John Of The Cross during the 16th Century. It describes the lowest period in a Soul’s lifetime and is often confused with depression. There is a big difference, though: the Dark Night is a spiritual depression meant to wake you up to a point where there is no return anymore.
This is the moment life as you know it completely crumbles away underneath your feet. Everything you believe in suddenly seems futile. You were told your whole life that external things would bring happiness. But the more external desires you fulfill, the further happiness seems away from you. You did everything society demanded of you — you got a good job, a nice partner, a house, maybe some kids. You are a good citizen, helping others and bringing money in for your company and family.
You have friends around you who you hang out with often, you take nice vacations, and life is generally pretty good to you.
How come you’re not happy?
Waking up to your own unhappiness
Once you realize you’re the opposite of being happy, everything around you seems like the ultimate burden. Even doing and buying whatever you want doesn’t excite you anymore. What’s going on?
I know so many people who are depressed without even knowing it. This is not limited to people who are living the mundane society life, but also to those who have built their supposed dream life somewhere else. They escaped the rat race of society, live in a beautiful house, are financially free, have a loving partner and friends around them, and still, they are not happy.
Depression doesn’t seem to spare those who seem to have it all.
It happened to me as well. I was traveling the world, living in the most beautiful houses, sailing the seas, and seeing the most incredible places some can only dream of. I didn’t have a full-time job with all the stresses that come with that, but I worked seasonally and only occasionally to finance my lifestyle.
I was very lucky as well — I often got the best deals, and things always seemed to work out for me. I often praised myself as the luckiest girl alive to be able to experience all of this.
Not my authentic Self
There was one thing missing from my life, though.
Me.
I had taken on a persona to cope with the pain I had left behind in my own country. I wore the mask of the happy backpacker girl who seemed fearless and fun. I presented myself as an extrovert who loved partying and traveling. I slept in hostels and made friends with everybody around me. Only to move on as quickly as I had known them.
That was exactly the problem, however: I couldn’t be myself around them, so I traveled fast before they would find out. I wasn’t doing this consciously, though. I thought it was just who I am. I loved the thrill of finding new places and meeting new people.
Now, after I went through my Dark Night of the Soul, I realized I have always been an introvert. I never felt like I belonged anywhere, so I made myself into somebody I thought people appreciated. And I was so good at it that I even believed it myself.
The Dark Night of the Soul is a blessing
I have had minor depressions before in my 20s, but nothing compared to how I felt during the Dark Night of the Soul. My whole existence crumbled to pieces, and I was left completely empty. I remember lying flat on the floor in my kitchen one day because I felt so incredibly alone and broken that I couldn’t even move anymore.
The Dark Night presented itself to me after an intense break-up when I was 33 years old. I had changed my whole life around to be with this person and had crossed many of my own boundaries during our time together. When the relationship failed, I felt like the ultimate failure myself. I had no idea where I should go or what I should do with my life, as I had lost my backpacker identity completely as well. Who was I if I didn’t even know myself??
I know now that I was having an existential crisis, which is a vital part of the Dark Night of the Soul. This is also what differentiates it from a ‘normal’ depression, which can happen because of hormonal imbalances.
“An existential crisis encompasses overwhelming feelings of dread, anxiety, confusion, dissatisfaction, etc., around the deeper questions of life, such as who you are, what happens after we die, and the general meaning of life.” — Mind Body Green
A Dark Night of the Soul is the period where you’re stripped completely empty of everything you thought you were. And this is necessary because only then can you meet your authentic Self. If nothing is left anymore, only your pure Soul stays. After that, you can rebuild yourself into who you truly are.
More than just a night
The Dark Night lasts much longer than just one night, as the name might indicate. For me, it was a period of more than two years. I had to slowly get to the core of my issues and how they shaped me. Peeling more layers every time I thought I’d healed.
It was a period of introspection and a lot of meditation and yoga. I quit drinking and dating and looked at my childhood in depth. I also took plant medicine because I felt like some issues I just couldn’t reach alone.
And slowly, piece by piece, I found myself again. I embraced my introverted side and respected my boundaries more. I learned to say no without needing an excuse. I dropped my people-pleasing tendency just to be liked by others. I dared to say my truth. Better yet, I was proud to say my truth.
My eyes opened to the matrix life most of us tend to be stuck in. We have been conditioned since childhood that we need to become someone in order to succeed. I started to realize that humans are mostly living on autopilot — following the path that society demands of us.
This already starts in kindergarten, where kids are told they have a disorder when they have ADHD or autism. We all need to comply with the general rules of learning in school from books and theory, but so many children don’t thrive this way.
And it continues in college and even in our jobs and relationships: we all need to follow orders to ‘succeed’ in society.
The blessing of the Dark Night
The Dark Night of the Soul strips you of all these external controls. All your conditioning and trying to fit in doesn’t make sense anymore. Who even cares to fit in if fitting in is exactly the issue here?
Your unique Self and perspective on the world show up during the Dark Night. It doesn’t come easily, though — you will have to do a lot of inner work to really see the truth about the lie you’ve been living for so long.
But once you’ve truly dared to look in the mirror, an immense sense of surrender comes along. You will understand that everything happens for a reason and that even the hardest times of your life are helping you grow.
You will learn to accept every situation as it is and not try to change anything. After all, you know you cannot change anything once it has happened. All you can do is accept it, learn from it, and move on.
This ultimate surrender to the flow of life is your reward after going through a Dark Night. You’ll care less about what people think of you and more about just being yourself. Because you’ll realize you are good enough exactly the way you are right now.
Trusting your intuition
Another reason why the Dark Night of the Soul is the best thing to ever happen to you is the fact that your intuition becomes the driving force of your life.
When something feels off, you’ll feel it and act on it. You tune in with your body and protect yourself from toxic people and situations. Where once you wanted everybody to like you, now you know exactly who to stay away from.
We are all born with our personal superpower intuition. But over the years, you have learned to silence it. This is what happens automatically by following society’s rules. Your intuition is always trying to get your attention, but you numbed it.
There is one question to ask yourself if you wonder if your intuition is working.
Do you feel at peace?
If you’re generally not, it means somewhere along the way you’ve silenced your inner voice. After all, its only job is to help you make the right decisions in your life. And if you’re constantly walking in the wrong direction, the result is that you’re never at peace.
Not always red wine and roses
This doesn’t mean, however, that if you’ve been through the Dark Night and re-awakened your intuition, life will always be happy.
It’s not.
Life is all about balance, and we can never be 100% happy. If you were always happy, you wouldn’t even know it because you don’t know how it feels to be sad.
And that’s the beauty of experiencing a Dark Night of the Soul — you feel so incredibly sad during that period that every step forward is better than before.
Building yourself up after the Dark Night is what does make you happy. Because you can finally be your authentic Self and cut loose from the grip of performance.
You can make decisions that help your Soul’s journey. You learn to detach from situations you have no control over. And you can connect to the beauty and wonder that is around you all the time.
Don’t give up
If you’re experiencing a Dark Night of the Soul now, don’t give up. I know it feels like nothing in life has value anymore, but this is all part of it. Embrace the pain and let the emotions flow through.
Spend time alone in nature and in solitude, and actively avoid your go-to distraction. Whether it’s drinking, sex, eating, work, shopping, binge-watching, or whatever you normally do to distract yourself, now is the time to work through your issues.
Your Soul will thank you for it.
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