It’s probably one of the most painful things to go through when it comes to romantic relationships: you finally meet your person, and everything clicks… but the timing just does not align. You feel a great connection with them, but life pulls you in opposite directions.
This can happen because you live in different countries, or because they are already taken, or they have other obligations right now. Or maybe they are on a different or difficult mental journey at the moment.
The trap of potential
It’s a trap many of us fall into: we see the potential of the person, but not the version they are right now.
If only they would move places, divorce, choose us fully, or accelerate their inner journey to catch up with us… Everything would be perfect.
But that’s a future scenario that might never arrive. And it’s incredibly painful to face that truth.
However, it’s no mistake that you met them, as every deep connection carries a lesson. The Universe didn’t make an error by matching you; it’s all meant to elevate you.
Special connections
I have met three men in my life who sparked a connection beyond what I could fully understand.
The first one came when I was 20 years old, freshly ready to start my University program. What followed was a year of push-pull (I know now that he was avoidant attached, and I was anxious), and we never figured it out together.
He became my first real heartbreak.
This relationship introduced me to the idea of soulmates. There was just something between us that I couldn’t comprehend. I kept searching for that same feeling for the next 12 years that followed.
Friends around me told me I should stop looking for that; after all, it was mostly a fairy tale in my head. But something inside of me knew: the right person does exist.
What makes somebody the right person?
I dated some other men during that period and finally settled with a guy who was never right for me. I became extremely avoidant in that relationship, even though I had no idea about attachment styles back then.
Without going into much detail about it, my soul was rejecting him by becoming avoidant, simply because we were not right for each other.
Then, three years after that relationship ended, I met somebody who was the right person. It was an incredibly challenging period, and our relationship did not last, but the connection was exactly what I had been looking for (and what I needed) all those years.
I knew it existed, and I knew I would find him at some point. I do believe in soulmates, but I also believe they come and go into our lives. Some are teachers, and some are keepers, but the connection is what counts.
What is this connection?
When we are born, we are a whole human being, full of wonder for the world. But our upbringing and society slowly start mending us. We become vulnerable, get hurt, get sick, lose ourselves, and get into survival mode.
This causes us to cut the connection with our inner Soul. But that soul is looking for wholeness all the time, and sometimes it finds it in another person.
The lost part of yourself gets reflected in that person, and you feel ‘home’. There is an incredible magnetic pull between two people like that, and it feels like you can’t escape it.
Carl Jung calls this type of magnetism the resonance through shared archetypes (your inner unintegrated parts). Both of you have had similar journeys and are now finding that familiar frequency in each other. It’s a projection of the lost inner masculine or feminine, the animus or anima.
When it is the wrong timing
Some people only arrive for a short time, so we don’t forget who we really are. They are transits on our journeys towards Individuation (a Jungian term). They push you forward with a punch, so you can do it yourself afterwards.
Sometimes we haven’t integrated our shadows yet, or they haven’t. The relationship then becomes based on fear and past wounds. The goal is to integrate yourself first. And when there is a mismatch in that inner growth, the timing becomes wrong.
Or sometimes external influences are just too hard to make the connection work right now. Those influences mirror unprocessed inner wounds and are something the individual needs to work on first before moving forward.
Each soul has to complete their own lessons before true alignment can arrive. And this is very painful to break free from.
Why the connection still happens
It might look like a cruel joke from the Universe: you finally meet your soulmate, and then you will have to let them go.
But it’s no mistake that you met them; they came to initiate something important in you. Maybe they reminded you of what true love feels like and gave you the power to move away from relationships that don’t align.
Or maybe they started your spiritual awakening process, which is a powerful transformational period meant to elevate your consciousness.
Perhaps they came to remind you of your worth and what you don’t want. Not all soul connections are a romantic love story, but rather a nudge towards what you do deserve.
The shadow side of soul connections
An interesting pattern that I noticed in my own soul connections is that there is always a shadow side that needs to be brought to the light. Whether it is abandonment or rejection wounds, or your own toxic behaviour, something needs to be addressed.
The soul chooses exactly the right person for you to expose that shadow. It’s a harsh wake-up call that no one is coming to save you but yourself. And you cannot save anyone but yourself, either.
Sometimes the break-up is what activates that initiation. And then it can feel like the right person, but the wrong timing. So yes, it was the right person, but also the one meant to break you.
Is reconnection possible?
Can the timing become right at some point? I think so. This can happen when both souls move towards self-responsibility and inner wholeness. They stop projecting onto each other and have better emotional regulation.
The Universe will send you signs when you’re supposed to be with someone, and also when you don’t.
The most important marker of a possible reconnection is organic flow instead of a forced and triggering relationship.
Often, the reconnection comes after an inner journey that you have already been through. That’s why the right person and the wrong timing is so painful: deep in your heart, you know you are not aligned (yet).
What to do in the meantime?
A lot of people get stuck after experiencing such a strong connection. They don’t understand why it failed and have a hard time letting go. It cost me seven (!) years to fully get over that first soul connection, despite us only being (somewhat) together for one year.
But after the second soulmate break-up, I discovered shadow work. This was such an eye-opener to my own projections and why things happened the way they did.
I became a fan of the work of Carl Jung, and every time I get stuck, I know it’s just a projection of myself. When we learn to see every person as a mirror towards ourselves, it’s such a helpful way to understand things clearly and develop empathy (for yourself and for the other one).
If you are interested in shadow work for relationships, I wrote a journal about that, based on Carl Jung’s teachings.
The painful truth
It’s such a hard reality when two souls are aligned in essence but not in evolution. If somebody is on the wrong timing with you, all you can do is let them go on their journey.
I tried waiting for them, and others have waited for me, but we can’t force somebody to meet us where we are at if they are not there yet.
And sometimes they are where you are at, but the external circumstances just don’t allow it (at the moment). That might be even more painful because you know what you could have had would be so beautiful… but there is no ‘could’ in that situation.
The only thing you need to do is accept that every connection comes into your life for a reason. It is not the wrong time; it’s a preparation for what is right.
Whether that is them at a later stage, or perhaps somebody else who is the right person with the right timing.
Surrender and trust, and believe that the Universe makes no mistakes.
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I appreciate that you’ve put words to the tension between a deep connection and the reality of what two people can offer each other at a particular point in their lives. I’ve learned that it’s possible to have a very real connection with someone and still not have a relationship that can work in the life you’re living. That feeling can make you want to keep looking for the future where everything finally lines up, but you can’t build a relationship around who someone might become, or around circumstances you hope will change. Sometimes loving someone means accepting what’s true now, even when what you feel between you is very real.