I believe that we choose to come to Earth to learn some lessons, and this might include becoming (or being in love with someone who is) avoidant-attached.
Attachment styles are rooted in childhood, and whether you are anxious or avoidant, these are powerful lessons that are tough to overcome. But there is a lot of growth in having an insecure attachment style.
You probably feel everything much more deeply, which could be a blessing or a curse.
The sensitivity of avoidants
Avoidants were usually very sensitive children and felt everything profoundly. But their circumstances made them have to retreat into themselves, because their sensitivity was not appreciated.
I speak from personal experience here, as I was a very sensitive girl with a parent who was often extremely angry. I learned that feeling everything so deeply was hurting me even more, so I figured out a way to protect myself.
But this came with a cost. I had built thick walls around myself to protect myself from any emotion, but that also included the good ones.
It turned me into an adult with a Fearful Avoidant attachment style: I was craving deep love, but also very afraid of it.
When the avoidant starts healing
When I was 32 years old and with a trail of broken hearts behind me (my own as well as those of others), I met someone whom I call one of my soulmates. He was the ultimate mirror to the parts of myself I didn’t want to face.
I believe the Universe brings certain souls together to help each other grow, and that is why those connections are so intense. These types of soulmates often stir up emotions we didn’t even know existed, and bring out a pain that’s almost unbearable to face.
But it’s exactly in that pain where we can meet ourselves. And when that happens to an avoidant, that is often the start of their healing journey.
When is the avoidant ready for love?
As a former avoidant myself, I know how hard it is to love people like us. We push people with good intentions away and attract the hard ones who represent our childhood wounds.
This is because there is something unhealed in us. When a secure partner is standing in front of us and we haven’t worked on ourselves yet, we don’t know how to receive that love.
But an avoidant who is aware of their own patterns can actively heal themselves. It’s all a matter of recognizing their triggers and the will to change them.
Signs the avoidant is changing
It all starts with awareness. It’s when the ego softens, and the soul starts to take over.
Here are 6 signs the avoidant is healing:
1. They stop needing to control the connection
The ego releases the need for control when it starts trusting the unconscious. An aware avoidant knows that the soul is the ultimate guide, and their need for control is just the ego trying to protect them.
They have learned to create emotional safety for themselves, and they no longer need distance to feel safe.
You can recognize this because they will stay with the discomfort instead of withdrawing. Emotional closeness still feels scary, but at least they don’t walk away from it.
2. They acknowledge their fear of love
It’s very hard for an avoidant to change when they are not even aware they are avoidant. But once they are, they will also acknowledge that there is deep-rooted fear for love in them.
They start to recognize that their distance stems from this fear, and not because they are not interested. And by admitting the fear, it becomes lighter instantly. Their shadow is ready to be taken to the light, and you can tell because they become more vulnerable and open up to their partner.
However, their partner still needs to be aligned, and sometimes disinterest signals unalignment.
3. Feeling becomes more present than thinking
When the avoidant is healing, they shift from analyzing emotions to feeling them. Avoidants are experts in dissecting their own emotions and putting everything in neat boxes.
But when they are aware, these emotions start running through the body. They might cry more or become more sensitive again.
They start to share more about their inner world and express tenderness without feeling shame. This marks the reactivation of the heart chakra.
4. They take accountability
Avoidants are master deflectors. They often blame others for having feelings or being too sensitive. But deep inside, the avoidant feels the same sensitivity; they were just always punished for it.
An aware avoidant takes responsibility for their actions and apologizes when they react out of line.
They actively take a look at their own patterns and want to heal. Self-responsibility is a massive marker that someone is healing (not just for avoidants, by the way).
You can recognize this because they bring up issues again and don’t try to hide them. And they stay emotionally available after talking through it.
5. They choose connection over independence
Independence is the avoidant’s middle name, and they often wear it proudly. Many avoidants don’t let anybody change that because it’s where they feel the safest.
But an avoidant who is healing knows that connection ultimately is more important than independence. They no longer idolize isolation as safety.
There comes a moment in the avoidant’s life when they see everybody around them building connections, except them. That’s when they often start questioning their own behavior and want to change.
6. Love wins even when it feels risky
Carl Jung says that the greatest act of courage is loving despite the possibility of loss. And all insecure attachment styles are actually a fear of abandonment or rejection.
Avoidants are secretly afraid to lose somebody when they finally choose to love them. So to avoid that, they avoid love altogether.
A healing avoidant knows that real love isn’t risk-free, but they still choose to try it. We never know what is going to happen to the people we love, but the fact that we are allowed to love them is already a gift.
You know that an avoidant is changing when they choose love instead of retreating into defense mechanisms.
The vibration of an avoidant who is on a healing journey
It’s not easy to heal your attachment style, but the first step is awareness. If we are not aware of why we avoid love, we can never address it either. For me, shadow work was the ultimate tool to become aware of my own patterns. I even created my own shadow journal now, based on all the things that really helped me.
An avoidant probably heals in small doses and often feels the need to retreat again. But little by little, they send a signal to the Universe: “I am ready now.”
And the Universe always responds to vibration. Nobody will feel safe for an avoidant if they don’t feel safe in themselves first.
You simply cannot love somebody out of their traumas.
What happens after an avoidant heals themselves?
It may take years for an avoidant to truly heal, but it is possible. I have been avoidant for 32 years of my life without realizing it, and now, at age 38, my attachment tests finally come back as secure.
But the true test comes when you are in a relationship with someone. However, the avoidant who has healed now attracts a different type of partner. Whereas before they magnetized towards anxious people, now they realize that that dynamic is probably very toxic.
If you are anxious and you read this, please be aware that it’s very unlikely that a healed avoidant stays with you, simply because they attract secure partners now.
Are you anxiously attached?
All you can do when you are anxious is also heal yourself. Don’t wait for somebody else to change. Healing together with your avoidant partner creates a very strong bond. It’s not all on them; you also have an insecure attachment style for a reason.
My shadow work journal is a great tool for anxious people as well because it exposes both sides of the story.
It is available as a digital download or as a print journal, in case you are interested in checking it out.
I am a big fan of self-awareness, and that awareness brought me back to the sensitive girl I have been hiding all this time. After all, we can only heal ourselves, never the other person.
“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.”
— Eden Ahbez
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